PASS IT ALONG Photograph by Bob Gentry 8/5/99 A Thought for Today Deceiving those we love isn't worth it, the hangover lasts too long.   YEA! PETULA! Last chance to catch Petula Clark in "Sunset Blvd." She's in Austin, Texas tonight and wraps up her eighteen-month tour next week. PASS IT ALONG End of the week, and here's the stuff. SASKATCHEWAN From the frozen Tundra Handsome Harry writes: "Last year, Saskatchewan chose the official Saskatchewan license plate slogan which reads "Land of the Living Skies". A contest was held by the Edmonton Sun for people to send in their entries of what the Saskatchewan license plate should read. These were some of the entries": EAT OUR SLOGAN Saskatchewan - It's a Dry Cold Saskatchewan - Flat Out Great Saskatchewan - Eat Our Dust Saskatchewan - We're Getting Smartur! Saskatchewan - Cruise Control Heaven Saskatchewan - Land of the Leaving Saskatchewan - Meet You in Alberta Saskatchewan - A Place Where No Man Can Leap to His Death Saskatchewan - Manitoba's Evil Twin See Saskatchewan - Standing on a Chair You've Arrived in Saskatchewan. Sorry About That. Saskatchewan - Yours to Drive Through Saskatchewan - We Are All Related! Saskatchewan - Through the Straw Curtain The following are telltale signs that you've lived in Saskatchewan too long: 1. Losing sight of the horizon, for even a few seconds, leaves you with an 'icky' feeling of disorientation for the rest of the day. 2. You're confused when cars come equipped with options that would never be needed, such as curb feelers and turn signals and yet, obvious options like trailer hitches and air conditioning, are extras. 3. You actually understand, and perhaps can describe in detail, the necessity for geographical correction lines. 4. You rent off-season storage space for your snowmobile on a week-by-week basis. 5. You sort your laundry into three loads: greens; whites; and green & whites. 6. Your other vehicle is a Massey. 7. You've required a total of 40 stitches over the years for various lacerations suffered while doing the butterfly at wedding dances. 8. Every birthday you receive exactly the present you most desperately need: a new curling broom. 9. You can't understand why those American television networks never settle on a schedule, instead of shifting all their programs back and forth an hour every spring and fall. 10. While cleaning out your teenage son's closet, you're alarmed to discover tucked away in the back a foot-high stack of old "Western Producers". 11. You're on a first-name basis with the clerks at the Payless Shoe store in Minot. 12. You always know Christmas is near because stores stay open late TWO nights a week rather than one. 13. You question why they didn't call them the Cypress Mountains. 14. You catch yourself "getting down" to the radio jingles for post-emergent broad-leaf weed control. 15. You actually have enough ball caps to match every shirt you own, although you still insist on wearing only one so the others don't get dirty. 16. You overhear someone explain how he installed a counter binder on his combine's pulley-driven wheat flattener with a square head hydrostatic coupler, using a universal bushing degreaser, and you can't believe he left only 5 inches of clearance between the kernel rotor and the straw-feed regulator -- the idiot! 17. You understand, and become quite emotional, when some outsider doesn't know the difference between a farmer and a rancher. 18. When the bank teller asks for some form of identification, you point to the arm patch on your slow-pitch jacket. 19. You never realized you had a fear of heights until the day you made the mistake of peering down an open well. 20. Your pronunciation of "Saskatchewan" is down to 1 syllable: "Skatchw'n." 21. Once every 23 years you perform strange ritualistic dances in public places. (Riders win Grey Cup). OLD WORDS / NEW MEANINGS Coral writes: "It's yonks since you used anything I sent but this is fun and clever so you might have use for it."  To which I reply, At last, something clean enough to print! Love, Rod CORAL'S REDEFINITIONS Arbitrator \ar'-bi-tray'-ter\ : A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's Avoidable \uh-voy'-duh-buhl' \ : What a bullfighter tries to do Baloney \buh-lo'-nee' \ : Where some hemlines fall Bernadette \burn'-a-det' \ : The act of torching a mortgage Burglarize \bur'-gler-ize' \ : What a crook sees with Control \kon'-trol\ : A short, ugly inmate Counterfeiters \kown'-ter-fit'-ers\ : Workers who put together kitchen cabinets Eclipse \ee-klips' \ : What a Cockney barber does for a living Eyedropper \i'-drop-ur\ : A clumsy ophthalmologist Heroes \hee-rhos' \ : What a guy in a boat does Left Bank \left' bangk' \ : What the robber did when his bag was full of loot Misty \mis-tee' \ : How golfers create divots Paradox \par'-u-doks' \ : Two physicians Parasites \par'-ih-sites' \: What you see from the top of the EiffelTower Pharmacist \farm'-uh-sist \ : A helper on the farm Polarize \po'-lur-ize' \ : What penguins see with Primate \pri'-mate' \ : Removing your spouse from in front of the TV Relief \ree-leef' \ : What trees do in the spring Selfish \sel'-fish' \ : What the owner of a seafood store does Subdued \sub-dood' \ A guy who, like, works on one of those submarines, man Sudafed \sood'-a-fed' \ : Brought litigation against a government official THINGS YOU ALWAYS WANTED TO KNOW Margaret sent along this list of things you always wanted to know. OR DID YOU? If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. The human heart creates enough pressure while pumping to squirt blood 30 feet. Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. On average people fear spiders more than they do death. The strongest muscle in the body is the TONGUE. It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open. You can't kill yourself by holding your breath. Americans on the average eat 18 acres of pizza every day. Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie. Did you know that you are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider? Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do. In ancient Egypt, Priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes. A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out. The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. Polar bears are left-handed. The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds, that makes the catfish rank #1 for animal having the most taste buds. The flea can jump 350 times its body length, that is like a human jumping the length of a football field. A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. Some lions mate over 50 times a day. Butterflies taste with their feet. Elephants are the only animals that can't jump. (thankfully) An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. Starfishes haven't got brains. WHAT WOMEN THINK Nobody ever said getting inside a woman's head was easy, so Nicky attempts to explain it all to us. THOUGHTS FROM A TANGLED WEB So many men, so few who can afford me. God made us sisters; Prozac made us friends. If they don't have chocolate in heaven, I ain't going. At my age, I've seen it all, done it all, heard it all...I just can't remember it all. My Mother is a travel agent for guilt trips. Princess, having had sufficient experience with princes, seeks frog. Coffee, chocolate, men . . . Some things are just better rich. Don't treat me any differently than you would the Queen. If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen. Dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off. It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything. My husband could have had any women he pleased--he just couldn't please any! Guys have feelings too. But like...who cares? Next mood swing: 6 minutes. I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now. Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it. Of course I don't look busy...I did it right the first time. Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win. You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP. My husband is the head of the household, but I'm the neck (and the neck can turn the head anyway it wants it to move). I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people. How can I miss you if you won't go away? Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not. If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy. I run things at my house! (e.g. the vacuum cleaner, washing machine, iron, etc.) A TALL ONE This comes from the land where things are bigger and better, wider and taller and nearly always exaggerated via Cathie Kenefick. THE GOLDEN PHONE  It seems that a man in Topeka, Kansas, decided to write a book about churches around the world, but thought that the place to start, since he was American, would be the United States, and with that in mind, he decided to fly to San Francisco, and start working east from there. He goes to the very large Grace Cathedral in that city and begins taking photographs, etc., when he suddenly spots a golden telephone on a wall with a sign which reads $10,000 a minute. Intrigued, he seeks out the priest and asks about the phone and the sign. The priest advises him that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to Heaven and, if he wants to use it, he can talk directly to God. "Thank you very much", says he and continues on his way. His next stop is Clinton, Nebraska, and while attending a church there, notices that there is exactly the same type of phone, with exactly the same sign on it. Again, he seeks out the parish priest, asks the same question, and again is told that it is a direct line to God, etc. He thanks the priest and continues on his way. Next in Milwaukee and Chicago, two cities rather close together, he discovers exactly the same type of phone with exactly the same sign beside it; makes inquiries of the local priests and receives exactly the same answer. Again, he thanks them and moves on his way. Arriving in New York, he goes into the Cathedral of St. John, the Divine. The golden telephone is on the wall with the same sign reading$10,000.00 a minute. He checks with the Dean of the Cathedral, and gets exactly the same answer. Continuing on through many other states, he finds the same phone, same sign and gets the same answer, until, finally, he arrives in Texas. Upon entering Sanctuario Guadalupe Cathedral in Dallas, lo and behold, he sees the usual golden telephone with a sign. But THIS time, the sign reads "Calls 25 cents." By now fascinated, he gets hold of the Bishop and says to him, "Bishop, I have been in cities right across the country, and in each church I found this golden telephone, was told that it was a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to God, but, in all the other churches across the country, it was $10,000.00 a minute. Your sign reads .25 cents a call. Why?" The Bishop smiles benignly at him and says "Oh, my son, that's very easy to explain. You see, you're now in Texas and, of course, it's a local call from here." MEMORY TRICKS This comes from Rose. It figures. A ROSE IS A ROSE IS A ROSE Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?" "Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques: visualization, association, etc. It was great." "That's great! And what was the name of the clinic?" Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?" "You mean a rose?" "Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife, "Rose, what was the name of that memory clinic?" PAY THE$2.00 LadyBren gets 2000 Frequent Flyer miles for this one. UP, UP AND AWAY A lawyer and a young woman were sitting next to each other on a plane on a long flight from New York to Los Angeles. To pass the time, the lawyer asked the woman if she was interested in playing a game of chance. She begged off, saying she was more interested in praying her Rosary and taking a nap.  The lawyer insisted, explaining the game. "We take turns asking each other questions. If you can't answer, you give me $5. If I can't answer, I'll give you$5, and so on." Again, the woman said she was not interested. "Tell you what," the lawyer said, "if I can't get the answer right, I'll give you fifty dollars, but you still only have to give me five dollars." The woman rolled her eyes, and realizing that the lawyer would badger her for the rest of the flight, agreed to play the game. "I'll go first," said the lawyer. "What is the distance between the earth and the moon?" The woman didn't say a word. Instead, she took out her purse, reached in and handed the lawyer a five dollar bill.  "Okay, it's your turn. What's your question for me?" asked the lawyer. The woman asked this question: "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down a hill with four legs?" The lawyer made a perplexed face. He had no idea what the answer was. So as the woman returned to her Rosary, he got out his laptop, popped in his encyclopedia CD, and searched for an answer. Still befuddled, he used the airplane phone to go online and search the web, and even emailed all his friends asking them for the answer. Meanwhile, the woman finished her Rosary and fell asleep.  During the next hour, the lawyer was unable to find the answer, so he closed his laptop, pulled out his wallet, and took out a fifty-dollar bill. He jostled the woman awakened handed her the \$50. She put it in her purse and went back to sleep.  After a few minutes, the lawyer woke her again, asking, "Wait a second, this is driving me nuts! What IS the answer to that question?!"  Without saying a word, the woman opened her purse and handed him a five dollar bill... TRAFFIC TROUBLES In exchange for sending this, Brenda gets two days knocked off her traffic school. STOP ME IF YOU'VE HEARD THIS A man runs a stop sign one day and gets pulled over for it. The policeman tells him that he was pulled over for running a stop sign. The man argues that he slowed to a near stop, and that it's the same thing. Back and forth they go, and to prove that the guy ran a stop sign he gets a ticket. Next day, same stop sign, same guy, same cop, same argument, "I did too stop. I slowed to a near stop, and it's the same thing.". The guy gets another ticket. Third day, same stop sign, same guy, same cop now at the end of his rope with the guy. He says, "Look Mack, I don't know of any other way to get across to you the difference between stopping and slowing down.". With that he reaches in the window of the car, grabs the guy by the throat, pulls his head out the window, takes his nightstick and starts pounding away on the guy's head. He asks, "Now, do you want me to stop, or slow down?".  SOME ACTUAL HEADLINES Susan Badger writes, "Have you seen these?" I have now Susan' WHAT'S THAT LYING IN THE ROAD, A HEAD? Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half New Vaccine May Contain Rabies Hospitals are Sued by 7-Foot Doctors Include Your Children when Baking Cookies Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case Iraqi Head Seeks Arms Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus? Prostitutes Appeal to Pope Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands Teacher Strikes Idle Kids Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told Miners Refuse to Work after Death Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant Stolen Painting Found by Tree Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout counter Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One War Dims Hope for Peace If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft Kids Make Nutritious Snacks Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy Thanks to Harry, Coral, Margaret, Nicky, Cathie, Rose, Lady Bren, Brenda and Susan for today's goodies and thanks to you for stopping by. See you tomorrow on the first Sentimental Saturday of April. Sleep warm.                      3/30/2000 Previously unpublished. Herb Alpert o Leo Buscaglia o Richard Chamberlain o Sydney Chaplin o Cesar Chavez o Rene Descartes o John Fowles o Lefty Frizzell o Nikolai Gogol o Al Gore o Franz Joseph Haydn o Gordie Howe o Shirley Jones o Gabriel Kaplan o Richard Kiley o John D. Loudermilk o Ewan McGregor o  Ed Marinaro o Andrew Marvell o Rain Phoenix o Henry Morgan o James Nederlander o Red Norvo o Sean O'Casey o  Christopher Walken I glory seeing your reflection coming back to me from other people's eyes. Relax, it helps relax you. Work is the ladder from self-pity. ENCOUNTERS / MARCH 31 I'll ring up one day and you may wonder who I am. I too might not be quite so sure if you're the one who smelled like violets         or left my shoulder tattooed with a bite that took three weeks to go away. Or the one who, going down the stairs, turning back long enough to say Don't call me till after ten o'clock my mother goes to bed quite early. Those of us who think that need and night are both the same have so many little scraps of paper stuffed in wallets and tucked up under books or safely put away in dresser drawers. Names and numbers scribbled on the backs of business cards or finely printed on old matchbook covers. I never have the guts to thrown them out.                         Do you ? I suppose that like a pilgrim I keep imagining my colony of cards can one day be called up to form a fort against the need to walk. I must remember from now on to write beside their names thin shoulder blades or this one had a mole along the left side of her stomach. Some identifying thing so when I go to make those calls I'll know just who I'm calling. But saving little scraps of paper and knowing they'll remain just that, not transferred into address books       or indexed in a file, is a kind of mental masturbation                           good to no one. Not even those of us who think the inside side of matchbook covers                   with a penciled number is a kind of life insurance can expect a proper settlement when the accident of being with our own selves only overtakes us in an alleyway or a bedroom.                     -from "In Someone's Shadow," 1968