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Christmas 2000, photo by Bob Gentry ©2000 Stanyan Entertainment
A Thought for Today
The promise is the promise. We seldom have to hunt it down; it finds us by its own direction.
Just about enough of that Christmas Turkey left for a little hash, so here it is.
ONE LAST ROUND OF CAROLS
"Hi Rod, thought these were quite sweet. Hope you had yourself a wonderful Christmas time. Thank you for your site and your words. You are beautiful candle glowing in a
sometimes very dark night! Lots of love to you and your friends (furry ones especially). All the best for 2001 Nic xx"
Thanks for the nice Noel thoughts,
Nic, indeed these are worthy of passing along.
OYE TO THE WORLD
No one can fracture a Christmas carol better than a kid. Sing along with these new takes on old favorites:
* Deck the Halls with Buddy Holly
* We three kings of porridge and tar
* On the first day of Christmas my tulip gave to me
* Later on we'll perspire, as we dream by the fire.
* He's makin' a list, chicken and rice.
* Noel, Noel, Barney's the king of Israel.
* With the jelly toast proclaim
* Olive, the other reindeer.
* Frosty the Snowman is a ferret elf, I say
* Sleep in heavenly peas
* In the meadow we can build a snowman, Then pretend
that he is sparse and brown
* You'll go down in listerine
* Oh, what fun it is to ride with one horse, soap and hay
* Come, froggy faithful
* You'll tell Carol, "Be a skunk, I require"
* Good tidings we bring to you and your kid
BOY GEORGE BUMPER STICKERS
Ralph Jones writes:
"In my last message, I was VERY discouraged and threatened to wear a black arm-band. Well,
I've calmed down and have decided that all Democrats should give the new President-elect just as much support as Tom DeLay and Trent Lott gave the current one. Here's a forward of "Bumper Stickers:"
No matter what side you're on, Ralph, there's some pretty funny stuff here.
MILLENNIUM MESSAGES
The last time somebody listened to a Bush, folks wandered in the desert for 40 years!
UNPRESIDENTED!
Don't Blame Me - I voted for Gore... I Think
If God Meant Us to Vote, He Would Have Given Us Candidates
What popular vote?
I voted - Didn't matter
My parents retired to Florida and all I got was this lousy President
Disney gave us Mickey, Florida's giving us Dumbo
Don't throw away your vote ..... let Katherine Harris do it for you.
Who is this Chad guy and why is he pregnant?
Bush trusts the people, but not if it involves counting.
Now do you understand the importance of user-testing?
One person, one vote (may not apply in certain states)
I didn't vote for his daddy either.
It ain't over 'til your brother counts the votes.
The election can't be broken. We just fixed it.
Banana Republicans
George W. Bush: The President Quayle We Never Had
AND STILL MORE SLOGANS
These came from Helen. Whoops, these are enough to make Ms. Brent stop acting like a lady. Hey we don't make the Saturday news around here, we just report it.
TOP TEN BUMMER STICKERS
10. Hail to the Thief
9. Support a Voter's Right to Choose
8. Bush: A Thousand Pints of Bud Lite
7. Bush: 5 Democracy: 4
6. My Other President is a Democrat
5. America: One Nation Under Fraud
4. Don't Blame Me, My Vote Didn't Count
3. RE-Elect Gore in 2004
2. I'll kiss your elephant if you'll kiss my ass
1. I DISSENT
BEWARE OF ALCOHOL
This list comes from WestFBRC
ATTENTION!
The Toronto Board of Health has proposed that warning signs be placed on all alcohol bottles to tip off drinkers about the possible peril of drinking a pint or two of any alcoholic beverage.
1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with a breath that could knock a buzzard off a wreaking dead animal that is one hundred yards away.
2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in
dancing like an idiot.
3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to assault you
4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay
shings like thish.
5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you really think of him.
6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of
inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.
7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion
that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really,
really big guy named Psycho Bob.
THE CHRISTMAS PARTY
"So if you think your Holidays are a bit chaotic and rushed, and nobody is
happy with whatever it is that you are doing, just sit back and relax. Tis
the season to be jolly. Read on for some Holiday Humor. Happy Holidays, Love Sandy"
THE MEMOS
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
RE: Christmas Party DATE: December 1
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols. Feel free to sing along, and don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!
MEMO FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 2 RE: Christmas Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party". The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. Happy now?
MEMO FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 3 RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?
MEMO FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 7 RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse company we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating, drinking and sex during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - the days are so short this time of year, or else
package everything for take-home in little foil swans. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Did I miss anything?
MEMO FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 8 RE: Holiday Party
So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice. What do you expect me to do, a tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit the burning of sage by our "earth-based Goddess-worshiping" employees, but we'll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band's breaks. Okay???
MEMO FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
Date: December 9 RE: Holiday Party
People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan", there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit". It's a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or family feuds over the Thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on Valentine's Day. Could we lighten up?
MEMO FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 10 RE: Holiday Party
Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furtherest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your #$%^&*! salad bar, including hydrophonic tomatoes. But you know, they have feelings, too. Tomatoes scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right now!
MEMO FROM: Teri Bishops, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: December 14 RE: Pat Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pat Lewis a speedy recovery from his stress-related illness and I'll continue to forward your cards to him at the sanatorium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
IS THAT A KNIFE IN YOUR POCKET
This is from Mary Davis
OR ARE YOU JUST GLAD TO SEE ME?
A Juggler, driving to his next performance, was stopped by the police.
"What are those knives doing in your car?" asked the officer.
"I juggle them in my act," answers the man.
"Oh yeah?" says the cop. "Let's see you do it." So the juggler starts tossing and juggling the knives.
A guy driving by sees this and says, "Wow, am I glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're making you do now!"
One more day to go in this old year. See you tomorrow with Some of the Best. Sleep warm.
RM 12/29/2000 Previously unpublished
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