PASS IT ALONG
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Photo by Dan Chapman ©2001 Stanyan
Entertainment Group
A Thought for Today
What this country needs is a good
twenty-five cent quarter.
The end of the workweek and
the end of the month, time to change the paper on the bottom of the
birdcage.
A GRIM FAIRY TALE
We don’t hear from Carol often
enough but when she comes through she comes through. This one arrived with
the comment, “Don’t you love Fairy Godmothers.”
ONCE UPON A TIME
A couple
had been married for 40 years and also celebrated
their 60th birthdays. During the celebration, a fairy godmother appeared
and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years,
she would give them one wish each.
Being the faithful, loving spouse for all these years, naturally the wife
wanted for her and her husband to have a romantic vacation together, so
she wished for them to travel around the world. The fairy godmother waved
her wand and boom! She had the tickets in her hand.
Next, it was the husband's turn and the fairy godmother assured him he
could have any wish he wanted, all he needed to do was ask for his heart's
desire. He paused for a moment then said, "Well, honestly, I'd like to
have a woman 30 years younger than me." The fairy godmother picked up her
wand and boom! He was 90!
HIGH TECH
I love this 21st Century tale
from Hugs and Molly.
ONE RINGY DINGY
Three
men are sitting naked in the sauna. Suddenly there is
a beeping sound. The first man presses his forearm and the
beeping stops. The others look at him questioningly. "That's my pager," he
says. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."
A few minutes later a phone rings. The second man lifts his
palm to his ear. When he finishes he explains, "That's my
mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."
The third man, feeling decidedly low-tech, steps out of the sauna. In a
few minutes he returns with a piece of toilet paper extending from his
rear. The others raise their eyebrows. "I'm getting a Fax," he explains.
EXTRA! EXTRA! READ ALL ABOUT IT
SharonAnn turns her head
toward the breakfast newspaper.
WHO READS WHAT AND WHY
1. The
Wall Street Journal is read by people who run the country.
2. The New York Times is read by people who think they run the country.
3. The Washington Post is read by people who think they should run the
country.
4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but
don't really understand the Washington Post. They do, however, like their
smog statistics shown in pie charts.
5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the
country, if they could spare the time, and if they didn't have to leave
L.A. to do it.
6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the
country, and they did a far superior job of it, thank you veddy much.
7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's
running the country, and don't really care, as long as they can get a seat
on the train.
8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the
country either, as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably
while intoxicated.
9. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is
a country, or that anyone is running it; but whoever it is, they oppose
all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders
are handicapped, minority, feminist, atheist dwarfs, who also happen to be
illegal aliens from any country or galaxy as long as they are democrats.
10. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country but
need the baseball scores.
LOVE IN BLOOM
This one is courtesy of Ellen.
THE LOVERS OF DECEMBER
Jimmie,
an 80-year-old gentleman, retired to Florida after his wife of 58 years
had passed away. He was quite alone in the world and longed for
companionship. One day, as he was walking through a public park, he spied
what he considered to be a very pretty silver- haired lady sitting alone
on a park bench. Getting his nerve up, he approached the lady and asked
graciously, "Pardon me, ma'am, but may I sit here with you."
The silver-haired Marcia looked up to see a distinguished looking
white-haired gentleman and replied, "Why certainly," and scooted over
gently to give him room to sit down.
For the next two hours the two sat and talked about everything. They
discovered that they came from the same part of the country, liked the
same big band music, voted for the same presidential candidates, had had
long happy marriages and lost their spouses in the last year, and in
general agreed about almost everything.
Finally, the old gentleman cleared his throat and asked sheepishly,
"Ma'am, may I ask you two questions?"
With great anticipation Marcia replied, "Why certainly!"
The old gentleman removed a handkerchief from his coat pocket and spread
it out on the ground before her. He very gingerly got down on one knee and
looked her softly in the eyes. "Marcia, I know we've only known each other
for a couple of hours, but we have so much in common. I feel I have known
you all my life. Will you marry me and be my wife?"
Marcia grabbed at Jimmie's hands and said, "Why, yes, I will marry you!
You have made me so very happy!" She reached over and kissed him gently on
the cheek. Then Marcia said, "You said you had two questions to ask me.
What is the second question?"
Jimmie scratched his neck and said, "Will you help me get up?"
OH NO!
Sometimes the old jokes are
the best jokes. Just ask Jane who offers this chestnut (whiskers and all).
Jeeze, what a metaphor!
OH YES!
Two guys were
walking through the woods and came across this big deep hole "Wow!...that
looks deep!"
"Sure does!...toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is." They
pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait. No noise.
"Jeeze that is really deep!...here throw one of these great big rocks down
there. These should make a noise." They pick up a couple of football-sized
rocks and toss them into the hole and wait...and wait... Nothing.
They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined
look on his face and says, "Hey! over here in the weeds. There's a
railroad tie. Help me carry it over there and when we toss that sucker in,
it's gotta make some noise!" The two drag the heavy tie over to the hole
and heave it in. Not a sound comes from the hole.
Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind.
It rushes toward the two men, then right past them. Running as fast as its
hind legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole.
The two men are astonished with what they've just seen.
Then out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the two men
and ambles over. "Hey! ...you two guys seen my goat out here?"
"You bet
we did! Craziest thing I ever seen. It came running like crazy and just
jumped into this hole!"
"Nah!" said the farmer. "That couldn't have been my goat. My
goat was chained to a railroad tie!"
PUNS R’ US
Jay, who obviously has too
much time on his hands, provided the following.
What is the best TIME to visit the dentist ? Tooth
Hurty.
And this from Dan in Memphis.
Two Eskimos
sitting in a kayak were chilly. When they lit a
fire in the craft it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have
your kayak and heat it too.
(I could have sworn this was
one of last week’s leftover turkeys.)
THE FINAL WORD
Today it belongs to Kathy
Johnson:
“Osama bin
Laden, not feeling well and concerned about his mortality, goes to consult
a psychic about the date of his death. Closing her eyes and silently
reaching into the realm of the future she finds the answer. "You will die
on an American holiday."
"Which one?" Osama bin Laden asks nervously.
"It doesn't matter," replied the psychic. "Whenever you die, it will be an
American holiday!"
I’ll be back tomorrow with
something for Saturday. Sleep warm.
RM 11/29/01 Previously
unpublished.
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