SENTIMENTAL SATURDAY |
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Photograph by Bob Gentry 8/5/99
A Thought for Today
Friendship never wears a mask. It removes the necessity for
falseness and false faces.
Since this is the last Sentimental Saturday
I'll be spending with you for awhile, I thought I'd start off today with something
thoughtful before going on to some of the crazier stuff. This first item comes from my
friend up the coast, Wes, who spends a good deal of time as a Scoutmaster. It was written
by Jim Dade.
COFFEE
by Jim Dade
Every Scouter should have a BIG coffee cup. It is the most useful
tool they can possess. Why, you ask? Well, for starters, it is a great form of stress
relief. You can grip the cup tightly (as opposed to gripping a scout tightly). You can
throw it around when all doesn't seem to be working as planned. Of course, you can stare
into the dark, thick, pool of brown and solve the problems of the world -- like a crystal
ball in some respects.
The visions that I have seen as of late have been remarkable. (Actually it is remarkable
that I can see anything in this concoction that, at times, resembles motor oil) Sometimes
I see the past, I see small scouts fumbling around and taking hours to set up a campsite.
I see dishwashing that seems to take an eternity. I see a scout struggling to complete
that "Impossible Requirement" needed to complete the next rank.
I also see many rewarding experiences. I see the growth of a small boy into a tall,
straight, proud young man. I see adults from different backgrounds coming together for a
common purpose. I see parents' pride as their son receives an award for which he has
worked long and hard. I see the growth of people and the beginning of our future.
At a glimpse, it may seem that a Scouter may seem bored or lazy with that cup in his hand.
Why isn't he building a fire or cooking a meal or tying a knot? He is just hanging around
the fire and the coffeepot with that cup.
If you look a little closer, you may see that his jaw is firmly set or his knuckles may be
turning white from the grip on that cup. He winces while he watches a mistake-taking
place. Why does he just sit there? Because he has learned that if he sits there long
enough, and asks the right questions, his firmly set jaw will relax and become a wide,
welcomed smile. The mistakes will become fewer and fewer and these small boys grow and
learn from those mistakes. The pride of accomplishment will show on their faces and in the
way they walk. Their chests will be out and their jaw will be set with determination as
they go forward to take on life itself.
It ain't easy to be a coffee drinking fool. It can require patience (and sometimes a lack
of good sense). But it is a style that some leaders possess. Look at your troop and think
about that coffee cup. It may help to mold a life (and will most probably save one or two
along the way).
Oh, by the way, I take cream in my coffee.
Copyright 1999, by Jim Dade. Used with permission.
HEAVEN OR HELL
Huffy digs up these weird parables with Hitchcockian twists. Of course we're always glad
to get them, and, naturally, pass them along..
Decisions, Decisions
One day while walking down the
street a highly successful woman executive woman was tragically hit by a bus and she died.
Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter.
"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it
seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had an executive make
it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," said the woman. "Well, I'd like to, but I
have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in
Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."
"Actually, I think I've made up my mind...I prefer to stay in Heaven," said the
woman.
"Sorry, we have rules..."
And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down to hell. The
doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf
course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all of her
friends and they were all dressed in fine evening wear and cheering for her. They ran up
and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times.
They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the
country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil
who was actually a really nice guy and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing.
She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody
shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got on the elevator. The elevator went back up to
the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter. "Now it's time to spend a day in heaven,"
he said.
So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing.
She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and
got her.
"So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven.
Now you must choose your eternity," he said.
The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never
thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a
better time in Hell."
So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went back to Hell. When the doors
of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in
garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the
garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.
"I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there
was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great
time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."
The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you. Today you're
staff."
IRISH POLICE PATROL
Nicky sends this in with the reminder that "GARDA" stands for Irish Police
Patrol.
First You Take A Live Goat
One night this GARDA officer was staking out a particular rowdy pub
in Cork for possible violations of the drink driving laws. At closing time, he saw a
fellow stumble out of the pub, trip on the curb and tries his keys on five different motor
vehicles before he found his own. Then he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his
keys for several minutes.
Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started the engine and began to pull
away. The GARDA officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights
and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled
officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Well Guard, tonight
I'm the designated decoy."
JOCK OR NERD?
Raymond asks (and answers) the infernal question.
The Gates to Jordan
$ Michael Jordan having
"retired," with $40 million in
endorsements, he makes $178,100 a day, working or not.
$ If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums
dance in his head.
$ If he goes to see a movie, it'll cost him $7.00, but he'll make
$18,550 while he's there.
$ If he decides to have a 5-minute egg, he'll make $618 while
boiling it.
$ He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage.
$ He'll make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends.
$ If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would
take him a whole 12 hours.
$ If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do it
at the rate of $2.00 every second.
$ He'll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but
will be reimbursed $33,390 for that round.
$ Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into a tax deferred account
(401k), his contributions will hit the
federal cap of $9500 at 8:30 a.m. on January 1st.
$ If you were given a penny for every 10 dollars he made, you 'd
be living comfortably at $65,000 a year.
$ He'll make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics, and about
$15,600 during the Boston Marathon.
$ While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy Chicago
restaurant, he'll pull in about $5600.
$ This year, he'll make more than twice as much as all U.S. past
presidents for all of their terms combined.
Amazing isn't it? However...
$ If Jordan saves 100% of his income for the next 450 years,
he'll still have less than Bill Gates has today.
$$$ Game over. Nerd wins.
OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF BABES
The following yarns come from Lady Bren who calls them "cute stories. " Yes they
are.
Kidding Around
My friend likes to read his two young sons fairy tales at night.
Having a deep-rooted sense of humor, he often ad-libs parts of the stories for fun.
One day his youngest son was sitting in his first grade class as the teacher was reading
the story of the Three Little Pigs. She came to the part of the story where the first pig
was trying to acquire building materials for his home. She said "...And so the pig
went up to the man with a wheelbarrow full of straw and said 'Pardon me sir, but might I
have some of that straw to build my house with?'" Then the teacher asked the class
"And what do you think that man said?" and my friend's son raised his hand and
said "I know! I know!" He said, "Holy smokes! A talking pig!" The
teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
###
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year
olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she
asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and
sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered,
"Thou shall not kill."
###
An honest seven-year-old admitted calmly to her parents that Billy Brown had kissed her
after class. "How did that happen," gasped her mother. "It wasn't
easy," admitted the young lady, "but three girls helped me catch him."
###
One day, a little girl is
sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly notices
that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette
head. She looks at her mother and inquisitively asks, "Why are some of your hairs
white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or
unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation
for a while, and then said, "Momma, what in the hell did you do to Grandma, all of
her hairs are white?"
###
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each
to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it
when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael,
he's a doctor.'" A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's
the teacher; she's dead."
###
A teacher was giving a lesson
on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said, "Now,
boys, if I stood on my head the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I should turn
red in the face."
"Yes, sir," the boys said. "Then why is it that while I am standing
upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow
shouted, "'Cause yer feet ain't empty."
BUYING GIFTS FOR MEN
Gee, Halloween is tomorrow night, no wonder the Christmas decorations in most stores are
already up. (!) Not to worry, Cathy K. has come forward with some thoughts on Male
Bashing, Sorry, I meant Shopping for Men. She asserts "Buying gifts for men is not
nearly as complicated as it is for women. Follow these rules and you should have no
problems. "
Getting Guys Gifts
Rule #1: When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not
matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a
man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.
Rule #2: If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or
socket in it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey George, can I borrow your
ratchet?" "OK. Bye-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?"
Again, no one knows why.
Rule #3: If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99-cent ice
scraper, a small bottle of dice or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love
gifts for their cars. No one knows why.
Rule #4: Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men bathrobes. I was
told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn't have invented Jockey
shorts.
Rule #5: You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If
you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the
corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.
Rule #6: Do not buy a man any of those fancy liqueurs. If you do, it will sit in a
cupboard for 23 years. Real men drink whiskey or beer.
Rule #7: Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after-shave or deodorant. I'm
told they do not stink - they are earthy.
Rule #8: Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks
there will be labels absolutely everywhere. "Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door.
Lock. Sink." You get the idea. No one knows why.
Rule #9: Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly
required" on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left
over.
Rule #10: Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home
Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. (NAPA Auto Parts and Sear's
Clearance Centers are also excellent men's stores. It doesn't matter if he doesn't know
what it is. "From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn't this a starter
for a '68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! Thanks.")
Rule #11: Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook - but they will barbecue. Get him a
monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. "Oh the
thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?"
Rule #12: Tickets to a Red Wing/Lions/Pistons/Tigers game are a smart gift. However, he
will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts."
Everyone knows why.
Rule #13: Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. If you don't
know why - please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when he gets a label maker.
Rule #14: It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder.
Never buy a real man a stepladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why.
Rule #15: Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least The Boy
Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8" manilla rope. No one knows why.
WHY GOD CREATED ANIMALS
Sharon writes "Dear Rod; This was sent to me by Barbara in Tucson. You might get a
chuckle or two from it. Enjoy!" Barbara claims to have head of "A newly
discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis that "provides the answer to this question:
"Where
do pets come from?"
Was Eve Away At Home Depot Buying A Power Saw?
Adam said, "Lord,
when I was in the garden, you walked with me everyday. Now I do not see you anymore. I am
lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me."
And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you
forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even
when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be,
this new companion will accept you as you are, and will love you as I do, in spite of
yourself."
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God
was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And
Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot
think of a name for this new animal."
And God said, "No problem! Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection
of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him
DOG."
And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted.
And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said,
"Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he
believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but
perhaps too well."
And the Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with
him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his
limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration."
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam. And when Adam
gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the Supreme Being. And Adam learned
humility.
And God was pleased.
And Adam was greatly improved.
And Dog was happy.
And the Cat didn't give a damn one way or the other.
A PINK RIBBON DAY
Jim sends this thoughtful reminder.
A Man Walks Into A Bar
A handsome, middle aged man walked
quietly into the cafe and sat down. Before he ordered, he couldn't help but notice a group
of younger men at the table next to him. It was obvious they were making fun of something
about him. It wasn't until he remembered he was wearing a small pink ribbon on the lapel
of his suit that he became aware of what the joke was all about. The man brushed off the
reaction as ignorance, but the smirks began to get to him. He looked one of the rude men
squarely in the eye, placed his hand beneath the ribbon and asked, quizzically,
"This?".
With that the men all began to laugh out loud. The man he addressed said, as he fought
back laughter, "Hey, sorry man, but we were just commenting on how pretty your little
ribbon looks against your blue jacket!"
The middle aged man calmly motioned for the joker to come over to his table, and invited
him to sit down. As uncomfortable as he was, the guy obliged, not really sure why. In a
soft voice, the middle aged man said, "I wear this ribbon to bring awareness about
breast cancer. I wear it in my mother's honor."
"Oh, sorry dude. She died of breast cancer?" "No, she didn't. She's alive
and well. But her breasts nourished me as an infant, and were a soft resting-place for my
head when I was scared or lonely as a little boy. I'm very grateful for my mother's
breasts, and her health."
"Umm", the stranger replied, "yeah".
"And I wear this ribbon to honor my wife", the middle aged man went on.
"And she's okay, too?", the other guy asked" "Oh, yes. She's fine. Her
breasts have been a great source of loving pleasure for both of us, and with them she
nurtured and nourished our beautiful daughter 23 years ago. I am grateful for my wife's
breasts, and for her health." "Uh huh. And I guess you wear it to honor your
daughter, also?"
"No. It's too late to honor my daughter by wearing it now. My
daughter died of breast cancer one month ago. She thought she was too young to have breast
cancer, so when she accidentally noticed a small lump, she ignored it. She thought that
since it wasn't painful, it must not be anything to worry about." Shaken and ashamed,
the now sober stranger said, "Oh, man, I'm so sorry mister".
"So, in my daughter's memory, too, I proudly wear this little ribbon, which allows me
the opportunity to enlighten others. Now, go home and talk to your wife and your
daughters, your mother and your friends. And here ..."
The middle-aged man reached in his pocket and handed the other man a little pink ribbon.
The guy looked at it, slowly raised his head and asked, "Can ya help me put it
on?"
October has been designated as 'Breast Cancer Awareness Month." But no matter what
month it is, if you are a woman do regular breast self-exams and have annual mammograms if
you are over the age of 45. And encourage those women you love to do the same. While it's
far more rare, Men too can have breast cancer, so ask your doctor or the woman in your
life to show you how to do a self-examination.
Anita reminds us of another way to help stamp out Breast Cancer.
THE 33 CENT STAMP THAT COSTS 40 CENTS
As you may know the U. S. Postal Service recently released its
"Fund the Cure" stamp to help fund breast cancer research. Ethel Kessler of
Bethesda, Maryland designed the stamp.
It is important that we take a stand against this disease that kills and maims so many of
our mothers, sisters, and friends. Instead of the normal $.33 for a stamp, this one costs
$.40. The additional $.07 will go to breast cancer research. A "normal" book
costs $6.60.
This one is only $8.00. It
takes a few minutes in line at the Post
Office and means so much. If all stamps are sold, it is expected to raise an additional
$16,000,000 for this vital research! Just as important as the money is our support. What a
statement it would make if the stamp outsold the lottery this week -- a statement that we
care.
I urge each of you to do two things TODAY:
1. Go out and purchase some of
these stamps.
2. E-mail your friends to do the same.
Please send this on to
anyone you would like to remind of the
importance of breast cancer awareness. Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect
for others; Responsibility for all your actions.
DUMBEST ACT OF THE PAST WEEK
Congress passes a bill that would throw
doctors in the slammer for 20 years if at the request of terminally ill and suffering
patients they assist he or she in taking their own life. Hey, aren't these the same dudes
who continually vote for the death penalty, despite the fact that its been proven over and
over again that the poor bastard who gets it is usually the guy unable to afford a
"Simpson Defense?"
My thanks to Wes, Huffy, Nicky, Raymond, Lady Bren, Cathy, Sharon, Barbara, Jim, Anita and
Jim Dade for supplying some 'good stuff' today. And, please keep it coming.
Looking forward to our visit tomorrow, meanwhile have a beautiful Saturday night with or
without someone special and sleep warm. Oh, and one more thing, tomorrow night is
Halloween. Don't send young kids out alone and unsupervised to trick or treat. Get a
costume of your own and join them. A fun way to spend a couple of hours more this week
with your children.
- RM 10/29/99 Previously unpublished. |
