PASS IT ALONG Click
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A Thought for Today
Without civility there is no useful
civilization.
Friday is usually ‘pass it
along day’ around here because I think it’s kinda nice to end the workweek
and head into the weekend with a smile or two. Whatever you have planned
for Saturday and Sunday – work or play – work easily and play hard and
safely.
PHOTO OF THE WEEK
This came from my old buddy
Mark Bernstein. I hope the dog got out of the way in time.
“Nice Bike”
TEXAS LORE
The following arrived via Pony
Express from Sterling Silver.
FORE
A fellow
is getting ready to tee-off on the first hole when a second fellow
approaches and asks if he can join him. The first says that he usually
plays alone but agrees to let the second guy join him.
Both are even after the first couple of holes. The second guy says, "Say,
we're about evenly matched, how about we play for five bucks a hole?"
The first fellow says that he usually plays alone and doesn't like to bet
but agrees to the terms. Well, the second guy wins the rest of the holes
and as they're walking off of the eighteenth hole, and while counting his
$80.00, he confesses that he's the pro at a neighboring course and likes
to pick on suckers.
The first fellow reveals that he's the Parish Priest at the local Catholic
Church to which the second fellow gets all flustered and apologetic and
offers to give the Priest back his money. The Priest says, "No, no. You
won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your
winnings."
The pro says, "Well, is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"
The Priest says, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a
donation. Then, if you bring your mother and father by after Mass, I'll
marry them for you."
ETHICS 101
These meditations on ethics
both come courtesy of Jane Hernandez.
LEGAL ETHICS, 1
A lawyer
is speaking seriously to his son on the subject of "ethics".
"Suppose son," says the lawyer, "that one day a gentleman comes into my
office with a simple question. Upon answering the man's question, I charge
him $100.00. He is outraged at the bill for such a simple question but
agrees to pay."
"Okay." says the son, acknowledging that he's following along with the
story.
His dad continues - "The man reaches in his wallet and grabs a hundred
dollar bill and thrusts the money into my hand. Upon his leaving, I notice
that the man has, in fact, given me two $100.00 bills..."
"Okay." says the son.
"Now the ethical question," states the dad - "Do I share that money with
my partner?"
LEGAL ETHICS, 2
Taking
his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers. "So," he
said, "I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe."
Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably at their table. "You,
Attorney Morgan, gave me $15,000. And you, attorney McGuire gave me
$10,000. In all honesty I cannot unfairly accept two bribes," said the
judge.
The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check. He handed it to
attorney McGuire saying, "Now, then, I'm returning $5,000 to you Mr.
McGuire, and we're going to decide this case solely on its merits!"
A CHEEZY HALLOWEEN JOKE
What do you get when you cross a vampire and a
snowman?
Frostbite.
GRINS & GROANS
All of the following arrived
from Kyletta. Does she have too much time on her hands, or what?
OR WHAT
"Doc, I can
hear all kinds of animals talk in my head."
"Well,
don't worry," said the doctor. "You're just having Disneyspells."
####
A blonde, a brunette, a redhead, a vicar, a priest, a rabbi,
two giraffes and a duck, a farmer, a lawyer, an accountant,
a Mexican, an Indian, a Chinese man, an Irishman, an Englishman, an
American and a Scotsman walked into a bar.
The barman said, "Hang on a minute, is this some sort of joke?"
####
During his sermon one Sunday, the local preacher told his congregation
that the entire range of human experience could be found in the Bible.
He confidently stated, "If anything can happen to humans, it is described
somewhere in the Bible."
After the service, a woman came up to the preacher and said, "Reverend, I
don't think the Bible mentions anything about PMS."
The preacher told the woman he was certain he could find a reference to
PMS somewhere in scripture. During the following week, he searched
diligently, book-by-book, chapter-by-chapter and verse-by-verse.
On the following Sunday, the woman came up to him and asked, "Did you find
any references to PMS in the Bible?" The preacher smiled, opened his Bible
and began to read, "...and Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to
Bethlehem."
####
An explorer was leading an entourage through the Amazon
jungle when they heard the sounds of drums.
At the next village, the leader stopped a native and asked him to explain
their meaning. "Bad, real bad when drums stop!" he said before running
off.
The drum beating continued to pulsate. The safari leader asked another
native about it.
"Bad, real bad when drums stop!" he said. A few minutes later the drums
did stop, and all the expedition members became panicked.
The leader grabbed another villager and demanded to know the situation...
"Bad, real bad that drums stop," he blurted. "Now comes bass solo!"
####
Three mischievous boys went to the zoo one-day for an outing,
since they had been at school all week. They decided to visit
the elephant cage, but soon enough, they were picked up by a
cop for causing a commotion.
The officer hauled them off to security for questioning. The
supervisor in charge asked them to give their names and tell
what they were doing at the elephant cage.
The first boy innocently said, "My name is Gary, and I was just
throwing peanuts into the elephant cage."
The second added, "My name is Larry, and all I was doing was throwing
peanuts into the elephant cage."
The third boy was a little shaken up and said, "Well, my name is Peter,
but my friends call me Peanuts."
OLDER WOMEN SAY THE DARNDEST THINGS
With apologies to Art
Linkletter, these arrived courtesy of Alan Kornfield.
LADIES OF A CERTAIN AGE: Tale #1
Two
elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing. One lady
turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?"
The other replies, "Oh, sure I do."
The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?"
The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."
After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the
beach?"
LADIES OF A CERTAIN AGE: Tale #2
Ethel and
Mabel, two elderly widows, were watching the folks go by from their park
bench by the ocean. Ethel said, "You know, Mabel, I've been reading this
'Sex and Marriage' book and all they talk about is 'mutual orgasm.'
'Mutual orgasm' here and 'mutual orgasm' there . . . that's all they talk
about. Tell me, Mabel, when your husband was alive, did you two ever have
mutual orgasm?"
Mabel thought for a long while. Finally, she shook her head and said, "No,
I think we had State Farm. . ."
THE FINAL
WORD
Today it belongs to Alan
Kornfield and his pop, Richard.
INVESTMENT ADVICE
If you bought
$1000 worth of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.
If you bought $1000 worth of Budweiser (the beer, not the stock) one year
ago, drank all the beer, and traded in the cans for the nickel deposit,
you would have $79.
My advice to you is to start drinking heavily, and recycle.
-Alan &
Richard Kornfield
I’ll be back tomorrow with something for Saturday, meanwhile sleep warm.
RM 10/25/2001 Previously
unpublished
Details of Rod's next
appearance can be obtained by following the link below.
"Tap
Your Troubles Away" - the music of Jerry Herman
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