SATURDAY STUFF

Rod & KubbyKat Too: Photo by Bob Gentry 4/26/2000

A Thought for Today

Purpose and will can move you through the darkest times.

. . . and all kinds of stuff it is.

MONK-E-BUSINESS

I don't know if this one is new or old, but I like it. It's my favorite of the month and it comes from Smokey who says:

"I cannot help but think there is a moral to this story somewhere. What do you think, Rod?" 

Probably not, Smoke, but who cares.

HEY ABBOTT!

Brother John entered the 'Monastery of Silence' and the Abbott said, "Brother, this is a silent monastery; you are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so."

Brother John lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Abbott said to him, "Brother John, you have been here 5 years now; you may speak two words."

Brother John said, "Hard bed."

"I'm sorry to hear that," the Abbott said. "We will get you a better bed."

After another 5 years, the Abbott called Brother John. "You may say another two words, Brother John."

"Cold food," said Brother John, and the Abbott assured him that the food would be better in the future.

On his 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Abbott again called Brother John into his office. "Two words you may say today."

"I quit," said Brother John.

"It is probably best," said the Abbott. "You've done nothing but bitch since you got here."

NEVER MIND GRABBING THE DAY

"This was sent to me, but it says so much, I needed to share it with you. Sharonann"

SEIZE THE MOMENT

I have a friend who lives by a three-word philosophy: Seize the moment. Just possibly, she may be the wisest woman on this planet. Too many people put off something that brings them joy just because they haven't thought about it, don't have it on their schedule, didn't know it was coming or are too rigid to depart from their routine. 

I got to thinking one day about all those women on the Titanic who passed up dessert at dinner that fateful night in an effort to cut back. From then on, I've tried to be a little more flexible. 

How many women out there will eat at home because their husband didn't suggest going out to dinner until after something had been thawed? Does the word refrigeration" mean nothing to you?

How often have your kids dropped in to talk and sat in silence while you watched Jeopardy! on television? I cannot count the times I called my sister and said, "How about going to lunch in a half hour?" She would gasp and stammer, "I can't. I have clothes on the line. My hair is dirty. I wish had known yesterday, I had a late breakfast, It looks like rain. And my personal favorite: -"It's Monday". She died a few years ago. We never did have lunch together.

Because Americans cram so much into their lives, we tend to schedule our headaches. We live on a sparse diet of promises we make to ourselves when all the conditions are perfect: We'll go back and visit the grandparents when we get Stevie toilet - trained. We'll entertain -when we replace the living-room carpet. We'll go on a second honeymoon when we get two more kids out of college.

Life has a way of accelerating as we get older. The days get shorter, and the list of promises to ourselves gets longer. One morning, we awaken, and all we have to show for our lives is a litany of "I'm going to," "I plan on" and "Someday, when things are settled down a bit." When anyone calls my 'seize the moment' friend, she is open to adventure and available for trips. She keeps an open mind on new ideas. Her enthusiasm for life is contagious. You talk with her for five minutes, and you're ready to trade your bad feet for a pair of Rollerblades and skip an elevator for a bungee cord.

My lips have not touched ice cream in 10 years. I love ice cream. It's just that I might as well apply it directly to my hips with a spatula and eliminate the digestive process. The other day, I stopped the car and bought a triple-decker. If my car had hit an iceberg on the way home, I would have died happy.

Now...go on and have a nice day. Do something you WANT to......not something on your SHOULD DO list.

If you were going to die soon and had only one phone call you could make, who would you call and what would you say? And why are you waiting?

CALAMARI ANYONE?

"Well, I hadn't heard it before but I agree that it's a goodie! Love, Sue"

A MAN WALKS INTO A BAR . . .

with an Octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. He can play any instrument in the world. He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him ... so he says he will wager £50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play. 

A guy walks up with a guitar and sits it beside the octopus. The octopus starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix. So the man pays his £50. 

Another guy walks up with a trumpet. The octopus plays the trumpet better than Dizzy Gillespie. So the man pays his £50. 

A third guy walks up with bagpipes. He sits them down and
the octopus fumbles with it for a while but shows no sign of starting to play.

"Ha!" the man says, "can't you play it?" 

The octopus looks up at the man and says, "Play it? I'm going to shag it as soon as I get its pajamas off."

ELECTORAL DYSFUNCTION

Sharon A. Sewell writes:

"Ok, I found this too good to not pass on. Glad you're back."

In olden times, it could be decades before major events were cast in verse. But The Great 2000 Election Controversy is so big that a bunch of all-star poets have come out of retirement to quickly set the story to rhyme.

For starters, history buff Henry Wadsworth Longfellow:

Listen, my children, don't dare ignore,
The midnight actions of Bush and Gore
In early November, the year ought-ought,
Hard to believe the mess they wrought.
Two billion bucks of campaign bounty
All came down to Palm Beach County.
What result could have been horrider
Than the situation we found in Florider?


Edgar Allen Poe is his usual gloomy self:

Once upon a campaign dreary, 
one which left us weak and weary
O'er many a quaint and curious 
promise of political lore
While we nodded, nearly napping, 
suddenly there came a yapping,
As of some votes overlapping, 
energy-zapping to the core
'Tis a mess here,' we all muttered, 
as the network anchors stuttered,
Stuttered over Bush and Gore.
Could there be another election 
with such a case of misdirection,
One with such a weak selection, 
yet fraught with tension to the core?
Quoth the ravers, "Nevermore."


Britain's Edward Lear's limerick is lighter:

There once was a U.S. election
That called for some expert detection -
How thousands of pollers
Could become two-holers
Like outhouses of recollection.


Ditto Ogden Nash:

I regret to admit that all my knowledge is
What I learned at Electoral Colleges,
So tell me please, though I hate to troubya,
Will the winner be Al, or will it be Dubya?


Joyce Kilmer's a media analyst:

I thought that I would never see
The networks all so up a tree.


Walt Whitman is lyrical, as always:

O' Captain! My Captain! our fearful trip's not done
The ship has weather'd every rack, but nobody knows who's won.

Alfred Noyes rhythmically rumbles:

And still of an autumn night they say, 
with the White House on the line, 
When the campaign's a ghostly galleon 
and both candidates cry, "'Tis mine!"
When the road is a ribbon of ballots, 
\all within easy reach,
A highwayman comes riding, riding, riding,
A highwayman comes riding, 
and punches two holes in each.


Dr. Seuss takes a look at election officials:

I cannot count them in a box
I cannot count them with a fox
I cannot count them by computer
I will not with a Roto-Rooter
I cannot count them card-by-card

I will not 'cause it's way too hard
I cannot count them on my fingers
I will not while suspicion lingers.
I'll leave the country in a jam -
I can't count ballots, Sam-I-Am.


Clement Moore adopts a holiday theme:

'Twas the month before Christmas, when all through the courts,
All the plaintiffs made stirring bad ballot reports.

Which leaves the problem:
Perhaps the best way to stop complaints that are raucous is
Start over again, with the Iowa caucuses.

IDIOT WATCH

Kyletta Miller is on the "Idiot Watch."

A GALLERY OF ASSORTED IDIOTS

EMERGENCY ROOM IDIOTS:
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter in to the Emergency Room right away.

HIGHWAY IDIOTS:
I was in a car dealership when a brand new motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the cruise control, then went into the back to make a sandwich.

NEIGHBORHOOD IDIOTS:
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request removal of the Deer crossing sign on our road. The reason? Too many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there!

COMPUTER IDIOTS:
My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees out in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: " I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"

AIRBORNE IDIOTS:
Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees in the field decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. When they took it for a float on the river, they were quite surprised by a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them. It turned out the helicopter was homing in on the locator that is activated when the raft is inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing.

DEPARTMENT STORE IDIOTS:
I worked for a while at a K-Mart store, selling sporting goods. As an employee of K-Mart you are sometimes required to make storewide pages, e.g.," I have a customer in hardware who needs assistance at the paint counter." One night a tentative female voice came over the intercom system with the (I kid you not) following message: "I have a customer by the balls in toys who needs assistance.

A CAUTIONARY TALE

"Hello, Rod! Thought this cute piece might make a few chuckles for you and others on Pass It Along, Sharon"

IT'S NOT NICE TO TRY & FOOL FATHER NATURE

An atheist was walking through the woods, admiring all the "accidents" that evolution had created. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. Turning to look, he saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw the grizzly was closing. Somehow, he ran even faster, so scared that tears came to his eyes. He looked again and the bear was even closer.

His heart was pounding and he tried to run faster. He tripped and fell to the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but the bear was right over him, reaching for him with its left paw and raising its right paw to strike him.

At that instant the atheist cried, "Oh my God!...."

Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, 

" You deny my existence for all these years, teach others that I don't exist and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical to ask to be a Christian after all these years, but perhaps you could make the bear a Christian?"

"Very well" said the voice.

The light went out. The river ran. The sounds of the forest resumed....and then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together and bowed its head and spoke:

"Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."

THE LAST WORD

Most Outrageous Boast: 

"I started the interview TV show format," Bill O'Reilly in his book "The O'Reilly Factor".

Oh really, O'Reilly! And that was before 60 Minutes," 20/20 and 48 Hours?

Join me tomorrow for "some of the Best." Sleep warm.

                       RM 11/19/2000 Previously unpublished.

DOWN UNDER