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Rod & KubbyKat Too:
Photo by Bob Gentry 4/26/2000
A Thought for Today
Great art is as much about ideas as it is about
beauty.
Time once again for sharing some of the "stuff" that arrives in my E-mail box each week.
HILLBILLY HOSPITAL TERMS
Coral writes:
"I don't know where this hospital is but I just hope I am NEVER so sick that I have to go there!"
THE HILLBILLY LEXICON
Benign..........................What you be after you be eight.
Bacteria........................Back door to cafeteria.
Barium..........................What you do with dead folks.
Cesarean Section................A neighborhood in Rome.
Catscan.........................Searching for the cat.
Cauterize.......................Made eye contact with her.
Colic...........................A sheep dog.
Coma............................A punctuation mark.
D&C.............................Where Washington is.
Dilate..........................To live longer than your kids do.
Enema...........................Not a friend.
Fester..........................Quicker than someone else.
Fibula..........................A small lie.
G.I.Series......................World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail........................What you hang your coat on.
Hospital........................The biggest building in town, other than
Joe's feed warehouse or Franks lumber mill.
Impotent........................Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain......................Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff................A Doctor's cane, sometimes shown with a snake.
Morbid..........................A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates........................Cheaper than day rates.
Node............................I knew it.
Outpatient......................A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear.......................A fatherhood test.
Pelvis..........................Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative..................A letter carrier.
Recovery Room...................Place to do upholstery.
Secretion.......................Hiding something
Seizure.........................Roman emperor who lived in the Ceasarean Section.
Tablet..........................A small table to change babies on.
Terminal Illness................Getting sick at the train station.
Tumor...........................More than one.
Urine...........................Opposite of mine.
Varicose........................Near by
MORE DARWIN NOMINEES
And still they come. Despite the fact that the first 2000 Darwin Awards have already been presented, new crops of nominees continue to turn up. These were
submitted by various Flight Plan Aficionado's.
THE ENVELOPE PLEASE
The Darwin Awards celebrate those who improve our species the most by eliminating themselves from the gene pool in really stupid ways. There are so many candidates that an additional ceremony will be held this year. Here are some of the worthy individuals still in competition.
MOSCOW MARAUDER
A man who threatened to "deal with" his wife and her lover blew himself up with a home-made bomb in September when the device the man was attaching to the door of their not-so-secret apartment boudoir exploded in his hands.
THROWING STONES
Middle East protestor standing in the road throwing stones at oncoming cars died when a driver tried to swerve away from the stones, but lost control of his car and careened across the road, injuring the driver and killing the assailant.
TIRED OF IT ALL
An experienced thief sneaked onto the lot of the Buckeye Ford Dealership in London, Ohio, intending to steal tires from the new cars. But his expertise failed him when the vehicle he had jacked up slipped and fell, landing squarely on his chest.
PERILOUS POSE
A 53-year-old tourist posing nude for his camera in picturesque Rothenberg, Germany, slipped from the stone wall while preparing for the shot, and fell sixteen feet to his death.
DUCT TAPE
A misplaced faith in the miracle of duct tape led to the demise of a man boating on the Columbia River when his 12-foot aluminum dinghy, held together with duct tape repairs, capsized during a fishing trip.
PASSIONATE PLUNGE
A man with the unlikely ambition to jump off every river bridge in Norwich ended his athletic career with a deadly seventy foot leap into three feet of water in April. Emergency workers were unable to resuscitate the man, who was said to possess "a strange and unusual passion for jumping into rivers."
KISS OF DEATH
A 36-year-old biochemist who attended a farewell performance of the legendary rock band KISS climbed a 7-foot wall to gain a better view of the stage--only to mistake a curtain for a solid wall, and plunged to his death on an escalator 100 feet below.
STONED SLEEP
A North Carolina woman who had been smoking marijuana learned a hard lesson about drugs when she decided to sleep on the roof of the King Charles Inn. Sound asleep, she slid off the roof and fell to her death shortly before dawn. When police arrived at the scene, her stoned boyfriend was found still sleeping on the roof.
HORNET CHALLENGE
A 53-year-old man with a reputation as a 'strong man' accepted a dare to stand beneath a hornets' nest in Phnom Penh, while two men pelted it with stones. He endured the pain of countless stinging hornets before expiring from the toxic injections.
TWO-AVALANCHE ALASKAN
A 43-year-old Fairbanks man attempting to highmark the mountains in his snowmobile died in an avalanche in Fairbanks Alaska in April. It was the second snowmobile-induced avalanche he had been caught in that day, and he had already been warned by authorities to stop highmarking in the dangerous snow conditions.
BABY DRIVE ME CRAZY
The bodies of a young couple were discovered naked in the wreckage of a freak car accident in Italy in May. Investigators assume that prior to the accident, the couple was having sex in their small Italian vehicle while it raced along windy roads at upwards of 80mph.
RUNNING OF THE BULLS
A Berlin woman attempting to capture a memorable photograph of the Running Bulls in the southern town of Nimes paid for her stupidity with her life on Sunday. The 68-year-old photographer removed a metal safety barricade and strode into the street with her camera to her eye, where she was trampled by a horse and six
rampaging bulls.
RAPPIN' ON HEAVEN'S DOOR
Artists sometimes bleed for their work, but usually not literally. A gangster-rap video artist changed all that when he put a gun to his head and shot himself through the temple while the cameras rolled, accidentally putting an end to his creative efforts.
OUT WITH A BANG!
Heating air in a sealed container such as a truck tire causes the gas to expand and the pressure to increase. A mechanic at a tire store in Georgia learned this lesson in physics the hard way when an inflated tire he and was welding exploded, spewing shrapnel and killing him instantly.
WILLIAM TELL OVERTURE
A Kentucky man died after he and his friend decided to reenact the William Tell scene where the famous archer is forced to shoot an apple off his son's head. They used a beer can instead of an apple, and their aim was not as accurate as the legendary archer.
HUMAN HITCHING POST
A 29-year-old woman was killed in Nevada when she attempted to quell the temper of her spirited Arabian horse by tying herself to its head. The excitable animal spooked and dragged her around the paddock, trampling her beneath its hooves.
SHOCKING FALL
A 26-year-old man earned a place in history as the first person to die celebrating the millennium. Minutes before midnight, the Stanford graduate climbed to the top of a street light in front of the Paris Las Vegas Hotel and waved to the enthusiastic revelers below. At midnight he slipped and, in an effort to break his fall, grabbed the electric wires and found himself conducting more than a cheering crowd.
DO IT YOURSELF: DO YOURSELF IN
A 34-year-old Colorado contractor wired his garden fence with household current in an attempt to keep his dog confined to the yard. He electrocuted himself when he inadvertently brushed the fence while reaching for a ripe tomato.
FIREWORKS FIASCO
People routinely lose fingers and eyes in fireworks explosions during America's Independence Day celebration, and the bigger the fireworks, the greater the damage. A 34-year-old man suffered partial decapitation when he peered into the mouth of a launching tube containing what he incorrectly assumed was a malfunctioning aerial firework. It exploded, producing a spectacular grand finale for both his head and the party.
HUMAN POPSICLE
Ohio police located the body of a missing truck driver in January after his employer reported him missing in action. The man was found frozen head down among the broccoli pallets, where he had apparently slipped while trying to retrieve a hidden stash of cocaine,
THE DAILY GRIND
The owner of a chipping company in Maine was rent asunder by his own wood chipper when he stumbled into the intake while trying to break up a bark jam without first disconnecting the power.
AND YOU THINK YOUR DAY WAS BAD?
"Hi Rod This is really terrible.... I felt so bad for these people...... but I couldn't help laughing my head off....Am I sick?
Are you? Read and we'll find out! Stargirl"
THINK AGAIN
Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned out section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with SCUBA tanks on his back, flippers and facemask. A postmortem revealed that the person died not from burns, but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive identification.
Investigators then set about to determine how a fully clad diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire. It was revealed that, on the day of the fire, the person went for a diving trip off the coast some 20 miles away from the forest. The firefighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, called in a fleet of helicopters with very large dip buckets. Water was dipped from the ocean then flown to the forest fire and emptied.
You guessed it ... One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific, the next he was doing the breaststroke in a fire dip bucket 300 feet in the air. Apparently he extinguished exactly 5'-10" of the fire.
Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed ! This article was taken from the California Examiner, March 20 1998.
YOU STILL THINK YOU ARE HAVING A BAD DAY ?
A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle when it accidentally slipped into gear. The man, still holding on to the handlebars, was dragged through the glass patio doors and along with the motorcycle, dumped onto the floor inside the house.
The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room and found her husband laying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle laying next to him and the shattered patio door. The wife ran to the phone and summoned an ambulance. Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the several flights of stairs to the street to escort the paramedics to her husband.
After the ambulance arrived and transported the man to the hospital, The wife up righted the motorcycle and pushed it outside. Seeing that gas was spilled on the floor, the wife got some paper towels, blotted up the gasoline, and threw the towels in the toilet.
The husband was treated and released to come home. Upon arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He became despondent, went to the bathroom, sat down on the toilet and smoked a cigarette. After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl while still seated.
The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard the loud explosion and her husband screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her husband lying on the floor. His trousers had been blown away and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs and his groin.
The wife again ran to the phone to call the ambulance. The very same paramedic crew was dispatched and the wife met them at the street. The paramedics loaded the husband on the stretcher and began carrying him to the street.
While they were going down the stairs to the street, of course the wife came along, one of the paramedics asked the wife how the husband had burned himself.
She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them slipped and tipped the stretcher, dumping the husband out. He fell down the remaining stairs and broke his arm. (Taken from a Florida Newspaper) - Now that is a bad day. Don't you complain about yours........
STUPIDITY
"Now THIS is a damn good idea, except I would need an awful lot of signs for some of the people I meet. Not that I am being judgmental of course *grin* Love, Coral"
SIGN LANGUAGE
Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm Stupid". That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them anything. It would be like, "Excuse me, oops, never mind. I didn't see your sign."
1. It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My friend comes over and says "Hey, you moving?" "Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign."
2. A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big 'ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?" "Nope -Talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign."
3. I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way to test it. "Alright Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good... They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you." "Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it."
4. Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those
side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, "Tire go flat?" I couldn't resist. said, "Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign."
5. We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then says, "Darn that's hot!" See? If he'd been wearing his sign, I could have
stopped him.
6. I learned to drive an 18-wheeler in my days of adventure. Wouldn't ya know I misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck and I couldn't get it out no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help and eventually a local cop shows up to take the report. He went through his basic questioning..ok..no problem. I thought sure he was clear of needing a sign...until he asked "So..is your truck stuck?" I couldn't help myself! I
looked at him, looked back at the rig and then back to him and said "no, I'm
delivering a bridge...here's your sign."
THE LAST WORD
The two most unusual new titles for
children's books: "Jingle Bells, Homework Smells" by Diane DeGroat and "The Ugly Menorah" by Marissa Moss. (source: The NY Times Book Review 10/19/00)
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