Photograph by Bob Gentry 8/5/99
A Thought for Today
Where the day takes us is up to us.
Lot's of E-mail boxes were cleaned out last week and here are some of the results
This comes from my not so little brother Edward
MILK, IT DOES A BODY GOOD
This blonde heard that milk baths would make you beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify the point.
The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 15 gallons or 1.5 gallons?"
The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath." The milkman asked, "Pasteurized?"
The blonde said, "No. Just up to my tits."
In a message dated 3/20/00 3:42:25 PM Eastern Standard Time, I M Ofage writes:
WARM ALL OVER
A rather well proportioned secretary, Joan, wanted to spend almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day but, on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan.
She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.
"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind you sunbathing on the roof but we would very much appreciate you wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."
"What difference does it make?" Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."
"Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight."
THE WISDOM OF WOMEN
Rose writes "These are for 'The Girls' Maybe, Rose, but some work for all of us.
Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hairstylist you like. (And then she moves!)
One of life's mysteries is how a two-pound box of candy can make a woman gain five pounds.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.
Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
If at first you don't succeed, see if the loser gets anything.
I had to give up jogging for my health. My thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.
Amazing! You just hang something in your closet for a while, and it shrinks two sizes.
It is bad to suppress laughter; it goes back down and spreads to your hips.
Age is important only if you're cheese or wine.
The only time a woman wishes she were a year older is when she is expecting a baby.
Freedom of the press means no-iron clothes.
Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but she can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.
OH NO, ANDREA
Andrea Robb supplied this outrageous item. It's not so much a groaner as it is a klanger.
A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist.
"Come now," coaxed the doctor, "you've been seeing me for years! There's nothing you can't tell me."
"This one's kind of strange..."
"Let me be the judge of that," the doctor replied.
"Well," she said, "yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and I heard a plink-plink in the toilet; when I looked down, the water was full of pennies."
"That afternoon I went again and there were nickels in the bowl."
"That night," she went on, "there were dimes and this morning there were quarters! You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!" she implored, "I'm scared out of my wits!"
The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder. "There, there, it's nothing to be scared about. . ."
(Ready for this?)
(I'm warning you.....)
(Still not too late.....)
"You're simply going through the change."
STRANGE SEX LAWS
In a message dated 3/16/00 7:19:27 AM Eastern Standard Time, Nearblu writes "Here are some unusual sex laws still on the books."
DON'T DO THAT
In Ventura County, California, cats and dogs are not allowed to have
sex without a permit.
If a police officer in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho, suspects a couple is
having sex inside a vehicle they must honk their horn three times, and wait two minutes before being allowed to approach the scene.
A law in Oblong, Illinois makes it a crime to make love while fishing or hunting on your wedding day.
In Ames Iowa a husband may not take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with his wife.
A law in Alexandria, Minnesota makes it illegal for a husband to make love to his wife if his breath smells like garlic, onions, or sardines. A Helena, Montana law states that a woman cannot dance on a saloon table unless her clothing weights more than three pounds, two ounces.
Hotel owners in Hastings, Nebraska are required by law to provide a clean, white cotton nightshirt to each guest. According to the law, no couple may have sex unless they are wearing the nightshirts.
Any couple making out inside a vehicle, and accidentally sounding the horn during their lustful act, may be taken to jail according to a Liberty Corner, New Jersey law.
During lunch breaks in Carlsbad, New Mexico, no couple should engage in a sexual act while parked in their vehicle, unless their car has curtains.
In Nevada sex without a condom is considered illegal.
In Harrisburg, Pennsylvania it is illegal to have sex with a truck driver inside a tollbooth.
Hotels in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, are required by law to furnish their rooms with twin beds only. There should be a minimum of two feet between the beds, and it is illegal for a couple to make love on the floor between the beds.
In Kingsville, Texas, there is a law against two pigs having sex on the city's airport property.
A Tremonton, Utah law states that no woman is allowed to have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance. In addition to normal
charges, the woman's name will be published in the local newspaper. The man does not receive any punishment.
In the state of Washington there is a law against having sex with a virgin under any circumstances. (including the wedding night)
In Connorsville, Wisconsin no man shall shoot of a gun while his female partner is having a sexual orgasm.
The only acceptable sexual position in Washington D.C. is the
missionary position. Any other sexual position is considered illegal.
Susan says "Dear Rod, I don't make the news; I just report it. Good for a grin maybe." And she adds, "Can you top this?" Er, No.
IS THAT A SNAKE IN YOUR PANTS OR ARE YOU . . .
PARIS (Reuters) - French police on Tuesday caught a man trying to sneak through customs at a Paris airport with a snake hidden in his underpants, an airport spokeswoman said.
The 30-year-old Frenchman, who was trying to smuggle the 16 inch boa into Roissy airport from Colombia, was caught out after a sniffer dog latched on to the reptile's scent through his bulging trousers, she said.
The man told customs officials he wanted to add the snake -- export of which is outlawed as an endangered species -- to his reptile collection.
The snake was confiscated and placed in the temporary care of airport officials.
DYING MAN'S FAVORITE COOKIE
Sharon A. Sewell sends this cautionary tale.
DON'T SCREW UP THE PARTY
An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. With labored breath, he leaned against the doorframe, gazing into the kitchen.
Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself
already in heaven: there, spread out upon newspapers on the
kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate
chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic
love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world
a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth; seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand, shockingly made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.
"Stay out of those," she said, "they're for the funeral."
LAND OF THE FREE
Dwight writes (sounding like Andy Rooney) "Didja ever wonder."
ONLY IN AMERICA
....can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
...are there handicap-parking places in front of a skating rink.
...do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
....do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
... do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the ink pens to the counters.
...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put all our junk in the garage.
...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
...do we use the word (politics) to describe the word, [poli] in Latin means (many) and [tics] means (bloodsucking creatures).
... do we have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
JUST THE JOKES, FOLKS
The title says it all.
HUMOR FROM ALL OVER
Mrs. O'Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin, and coming in the opposite direction was Father O'Rafferty.
"Hello," said the Father, "And how's Mrs. O'Donovan, didn't I marry you two years ago?"
"You did that, Father."
"And are there any little ones yet?"
"No, not yet, Father," said she.
"Well now, I'm going to Rome next week, and I'll light a candle for you."
"Thank-you, Father." And away she went.
A few years later they met again.
"Well now, Mrs. O'Donovan," said the Father, "how are you?"
"Oh, very well," said she.
"And tell me," he said, "have you any little ones yet?"
"Oh yes, Father. I've had three sets of twins, and four singles -- ten in all."
"Now isn't that wonderful," he said "And how is your lovely husband?"
"Oh," she said, "he's over in Rome to blow that bloody candle out!"
Malborn sat in his attorney's office. "Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" the lawyer said.
"Give me the bad news first."
"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars."
"That's the bad news?" asked Malborn incredulously. "I can't wait to hear the terrible news."
"It's of you and your mistress."
A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender asks him "What'll it be, grasshopper?"
The grasshopper says "I don't care. Anything to kill the pain. Being a grasshopper is awful these days."
The bartender thinks of a suggestion. "Maybe you'd like to try this drink. It's named after you."
The grasshopper looks up at the bartender, "You have a drink called Irving?"
Thanks to Edward, I.M. Ofage, Rose, Andrea, Nearblu, Susan, Sharen & Dwight for today's funnies. If you've got something to pass along, drop me a line. Sleep warm and I'll see you tomorrow with Sentimental Saturday
RM 3/23/2000 Previously unpublished