A SENTIMENTAL SATURDAY |
|
Photograph by Bob Gentry 8/5/99
A Thought for Today
The faces of the old are like old houses. Every line's a
highway from the past.
We take things easy today nothing too heavy
and just the right amount of lightness.
ANAGRAMS
These neat anagrams come from Mark
Subject: Anagrams
Anagram is a word or phrase made by transposing or rearranging the
letters of another word or phrase. The following are exceptionally clever. Someone out
there either has way too much time to waste or is deadly at Scrabble.
Word
When you re-arrange the letters
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dormitory
Dirty Room
Evangelist
Evil's Agent
Desperation
A Rope Ends It
The Morse Code Here Come Dots
Slot Machines
Cash Lost
in 'em
Animosity
Is No Amity
Mother-in-law
Woman Hitler
Snooze Alarms
Alas! No More Z's
Alec Guinness
Genuine
Class
Semolina
Is No Meal
The Public Art Galleries Large Picture Halls, I Bet
A Decimal Point I'm a
Dot in Place
The Earthquakes That Queer
Shake
Eleven plus two
Twelve plus one
Contradiction
Accord not in it
AND HERE IS THE MOST INTRIGUING PART
Year Two Thousand A Year To Shut Down !!
SIGNS OF THE NINTIES
"Good morning Rod, Just wanted to pass this along- kinda makes you think! Love,
Sandy" Bob also sent in a copy
You've Had Too Much of the Nineties if . . .
You just tried to enter your password
on the microwave.
You now think of three espressos as "getting wasted."
You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.
You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
You call your son's beeper to let him know it's time to eat. He
e-mails you back from his bedroom, "What's for dinner?"
Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.
You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken
with your next door neighbor yet this year.
You didn't give your valentine a card this year, but you posted one for your e-mail
buddies via a web page.
Your daughter just bought a CD of all the records your college
roommate used to play.
You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it contains echinacea.
You check your blow dryer to see if it's Y2K compliant.
Your grandmother clogs up your e-mail inbox asking you to send her a JPEG file of your
newborn so she can create a screen saver.
You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.
Every commercial on television has a web-site address at the bottom of the screen.
You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you
paid.
The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase is foreign
to you.
Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your
car
Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail
addresses.
You consider 2nd day air delivery painfully slow.
Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.
Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.
You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.
BUMMER STICKERS
Huffy's latest Bummer Stickers.
Two Outta Three Ain't Bad And Other Bummer Stickers
"Filthy, Stinking Rich -- Well, Two Out of Three Ain't
Bad"
"Real Men Don't Waste Their Hormones Growing Hair"
"Upon the Advice of My Attorney, My Shirt Bears No Message at This Time"
"That's It! I'm Calling Grandma!" - (seen on an 8 year old)
"Wrinkled Wasn't 1 of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up"
"Procrastinate Now"
"Rehab Is for Quitters"
"My Dog Can Lick Anyone"
"I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts -- Do You Want Fries With That?"
"Party -- My Crib - Two A.M." (On a baby-size shirt)
"If a woman's place is in the home WHY AM I ALWAYS IN THIS CAR!"
"ALL MEN ARE IDIOTS, AND I MARRIED THEIR KING"
"A hangover is the wrath of grapes"
"STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!"
"They call it "PMS" because "Mad Cow Disease" was already
taken"
"He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead"
"POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN Cops have nothing to go on."
"HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO DON'T BELIEVE IN GOSH"
"A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS--But it uses up a thousand times the
memory."
"Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."
"HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig."
"HARD WORK WILL PAY OFF LATER. LAZINESS PAYS OFF NOW!"
"The trouble with life is there's no background music."
"The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson."
"Two rights do not make a wrong. They make an airplane."
"MY WILD OATS HAVE TURNED TO SHREDDED WHEAT"
"Computer programmers don't byte, they nibble a bit."
"Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research."
THE GREEN, GREEN ASTROTURFF OF HOME
Huffy, that swinger with no handicaps tells us everything we
always wanted to know about Golf.
I Golf Therefore I Am?
* A "handicapped golfer" is a man who plays golf with his wife.
- - - - -
* I have a nephew who's so good at golf, he's been offered a full
scholarship to medical school.
- - - - -
* Then there was the golfer who was sentenced to be hanged. He
asked the warden if he could take a few practice swings first.
- - - - -
* Just think guys, a golfer can spend the entire weekend with a
bunch of "hookers" and his wife isn't the least bit concerned.
- - - - -
* Basically, golf has made more liars out of Americans than all
of the Income Tax forms ever filed.
- - - - -
* Contrary to popular belief avid golfers do not lie all the time.
Anytime one golfer calls another a "liar" they're probably
telling the truth.
- - - - -
* Some people just have to cheat all the time when it comes to
recording the number of strokes on their golf cards. I knew
one fellow who got a hole-in-one and entered "zero" on his card.
- - - - -
*Although not condoned, it was well known within the Maryland
State Highway that sometimes people would "sneak-away" for a
game of golf during the day. I had forgotten which course my friend Dan said to meet him
on and called, only to have his secretary said, "I'm sorry he's away from his desk
right now." Knowing she'd never admit where he really was, I asked, "Tell me, is
he 10 miles way from his desk or 22 miles away ?"
OH MEN! OH WOMEN!
Nicky writes "I am not one for men bashing but there are a couple of good ones here.
Men
Men are like a fine wine. They start
out as grapes. It's our job to stomp them, and then keep them in the dark until they
mature. And hopefully they'll turn out to be something we would like to have dinner with
someday.
Men-tal Anxiety. . . Men-opause. . . Men-tal Breakdown.
Ever noticed that all problems start with MEN?
Q: What's the best way to kill a man?
A: Put a naked blonde and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
Q: What do men and pantyhose have in common?
A: They either cling, run or don't fit right in the crotch!
Q: Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
Q: What is the difference between men and women:....
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his
one need.
Q: How does a man keep his youth?
A: By giving her money, furs and diamonds.
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"
HEAVEN
Hugs & Molly sent this heavenly message
A Priest Goes Into A Bar
Father Murphy walked into a pub and said to the first man he met,
"Do you want to go to heaven?" The man replied, "I do Father." The
priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked a second man, "Do you want to got to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then stand over there against
the wall."
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you
don't want to go to heaven?" O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you
were getting a group together to go right now."
NOTES FROM ALL OVER
Ray sends this obviously smuggled stuff from up the river
A Prison Diary
DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt
me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am
forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and
the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture.
Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were
walking almost succeeded. (Must try this at the top of the stairs.) In an attempt to
disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their
favorite chair. (Must try this on their bed.)
DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant
pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.
DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in an attempt to make
them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only
cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm. Not working according to
plan...
DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for
the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called
"shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is
the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.
DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary
throughout the event. More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power
of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The Dog is
routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The
Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue
(something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my
every move. Due to his current placement in the hanging metal room, his safety is assured.
But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.
OH MEN! OH WOMEN!
Kathy rekons . . .
Why It's Good To Be A Man
1. We know stuff about tanks
2. A 5-day trip requires only one suitcase
3. We can open all our own jars
4. We can go to the bathroom without a support group
5. We don't have to learn to spell a new last name
6. We can leave a motel bed unmade
7. We can kill our own food
8. We get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness
9. Wedding plans take care of themselves
10. If someone forgets to invite us to something they can still be our friend.
11. Underwear is $10 a three-pack
12. If you are 34 and single nobody notices
13. Everything on our faces stays the original color
14. Three pair of shoes are more than enough
15. We don't have to clean the house if the meter reader is coming.
16. Car mechanics tell us the truth
17. We can sit quietly and watch a game with a friend for hours without thinking "He
must be mad at me."
18. Same work - more pay
19. Gray hair and wrinkles only add character
20. We can drop by and see a friend without having to bring a gift.
21. If another guy shows up at a party in the same outfit you just might become lifelong
friends.
22. You pals will never trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"
23. We are not expected to know the names of more than 5 colors
24. We almost never have a "strap problem" in public
25. We are totally unable to see wrinkles in our clothes
26. The same hairstyle lasts for years - maybe decades
27. We don't have to shave below the neck
28. A few belches are expected and tolerated
29. Our belly usually hides our big hips
30. One wallet, one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons
31. We can do our nails with a pocketknife
32. We have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache
33. Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 people on the day before Christmas and
in 45 minutes.
ED U. KATION
Ray sent this in last week.
This Week's Theme: EDUCATION!
"There is no human reason why a child should not admire
and emulate his teacher's ability to do sums, rather
than the village bum's ability to whittle sticks and
smoke cigarettes. The reason why the child does not
is plain enough--the bum has put himself on an equality
with him, and the teacher has not." - Floyd Dell
~~~ So much for self-esteem! ~~~
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by
saying, "Everyone who thinks you are stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, little Johnny stood up. The teacher was surprised, but realized this
was an opportune moment to help a child. "Do you think you're stupid, Johnny?"
she asked.
"No, ma'am," Johnny replied, "but I hated to see you standing
there all by yourself!"
A SATURDAY SCHOOL PROJECT
Coral sends this along with the following note "Hey guys....This is the daughter of a
friend of a friend.....Can you help? All you have to do is forward it. Much Love
Coral"
Hi, My name is Kelsea Lucas. I am doing a science project for my 5th
grade class and I need your help. I am going to track an email for a specific period of
time. I will determine how many responses I get based on number of people sent to. Also I
will track on a map where the responses come from. I hope to show how emailed information
moves around the world, the distance in a set period of time and using my Math what
percentage respond.
I am tracking this email from October 11, 1999 till November 10, 1999. Please email me at KALucas8@aol.com with the following information:
1. City and
State/Country you reside in.
2. Number(not names) of people you send this email to.
My mom has suggested when forwarding this you should copy only my portion of the letter
first and then use the Blind Copy Feature on email if it is available. That way your
buddies' name's are protected and people won't think they are being added to a list.
Thank you for all your help. And wish me luck maybe you can be a part in my winning the
school science fair!!!! Kelsea Age 10
NO WONDER SOME PEOPLE HATE THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE
say Hugs & Molly.
Say What You mean, Mean What You Say
There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor
pine in pineapple. And while no one knows what is in a hotdog, you can be pretty sure it
isn't canine.
English muffins were not invented in England, nor French fries in France. Sweetmeats are
candies, while sweet breads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can
work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a
pig.
And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce, and hammers
don't ham?
If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese.
So, one moose, 2 meese? Is cheese the plural of choose?
One mouse, 2 mice. One louse, 2 lice. One house, 2 hice ? If teachers taught, why didn't
preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Why do people recite at a play, and play at a recital? Ship by truck or car and send cargo
by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are
opposites?
When a house burns up, it burns down. You fill in a form by filling it out and an alarm
clock goes off by going on. You get in and out of a car, yet you get on and off a bus.
When the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it?
OH MEN! OH WOMEN!
The battle of the sexes continues. These are both from Nicky.
The Highway Patrol
A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer. The
following exchange takes place.... The man says, "What's the problem officer?"
Officer: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone. Man: No sir, I
was going 65. Wife: Oh, Harry. You were going 80. [Man gives his wife a dirty look.]
Officer: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light. Man: Broken
taillight? I didn't know about a broken taillight! Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that
taillight for weeks. [Man gives his
wife another dirty look.] Officer: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing
your seat belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car. Wife: Oh, Harry, you
never wear your seat belt. Man turns to his wife and yells: "Shut your damn
mouth!" Officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to
you this way all the time?"
Wife says: "No, only when he's drunk."
A Trip to the Gynecologist!
In Melbourne, Fl. one of the radio
stations paid money ($100-$500) for people to tell their most embarrassing stories. This
one netted the winner $300.....She said:
I was due later that week for an appointment with the gynecologist when early one morning
I received a call from his office: I had been rescheduled for early that morning at
9:30am. I had just packed everyone off to work and school and it was around 8:45 already.
The trip to his office usually took about 35 minutes so I didn't have any time to spare.
As most women do, I'm sure, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making
such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort.
So I rushed upstairs, threw off my dressing gown, wet the washcloth and gave myself a wash
in "that area" in front of the sink, taking extra care to make sure that I was
presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in
the car and raced to my appointment.
I was in the waiting room only a few minutes when he called me
in. Knowing the procedure, as I am sure you all do, I hopped up on the table, looked over
at the other side of the room and pretended I was in Hawaii or some other place a million
miles away from here.
I was a little surprised when he said: "My...we have taken a little extra effort this
morning, haven't we?", but I didn't respond. The appointment over, I heaved a sigh of
relief and went home. The rest of the day went normal, some shopping, cleaning and the
evening meal, etc.
At 8:30 that evening my 14-year-old daughter was getting ready
to go to a school dance, when she called down from the bathroom, "Mom - where's my
washcloth?"
I called back for her to get another from the cabinet. She called
back, "No I need the one that was here by the sink. It had all my glitter and
sparkles in it."
A fist full of thanks to Mark, Sandy, Bob, Huffy, Coral, Kathy. Nicky, Hugs & Molly
& Ray for today's contributions. If you'd like to comment or send along a 'Pass Along'
write me at rod@mckuen.com Have a safe and sane
Saturday Night and sleep warm. See you tomorrow with Some of the Best.
- RM 10/21/99 Previously unpublished |
