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Rod & Sunny: Photo by Bob
Gentry 8/5/1999
A Thought for Today
Some oceans have been known to come again to their mother
country and wash ashore more brilliant treasures than they took away.
PASS IT
MALONG
OK, so today's piece isn't really a candidate for Pass It Along. It is,
however, something that tickled the funny bone of a lot of people a few
months back and we've had a number of requests to publish it again.
So here it is.
- Ken, Johannesburg, November 22
BEVERLY HILLS RATS
ITEM: From a front-page story in Monday's New York Times.
"Giant Rats Have Invaded Beverly Hills and because of several years of
drought can be seen drinking from many of the city's private swimming
pools."
Edward & I have just come back from the pool where 'Rod's Rodents' stop by
each afternoon for High Chlorine Tea. There are usually 6 or 8 dozen all
in a neat row poised and posing around the edge of the pool, sipping
softly and sharing polite conversation. Some pick up a tomato or two from
the garden and bring them along for the feast.
I'm kept pretty busy these days baking bread and making little cucumber
sandwiches for our guests and Edward pitches in by trimming the crusts and
spreading the mustard and mayonnaise. (Between you and me I think the
mustard kills the delicate taste of the cucumbers, but you know Edward.) I
also feel that the sandwiches and a little Brie is sufficient to go with
the tea but Edward overdoes it by insisting on adding milk and cookies to
the trays. I'm afraid this reduces the whole affair from High to Very Low
Tea.
They are so cute, most are about the size of greyhounds but a few remind
me of Old English Sheepdogs --- and those tails (!) I imagine the S&M
inclined among their numbers have a whale of a time flogging one another.
Please, I don't want to know about all that. And anyway, I'm sure that
contingent will eventually find its way down the road to West Hollywood.
There are fewer pools there but a breed of far more tolerant people for
such things than yours truly.
Edward (always the moneymaker in the family) had thought of selling
tickets to this every afternoon event but Rats are so common here in the
hills of Beverly that every pool, pond and fountain has its own family or
cell of these big, furry, lovable creatures.
Mornings are quite different: A few of the younger Rodents arrive for a
swim and several stop by with shampoo and soap for a leisurely luxury
bath. This AM I had a race with one of the more muscular giants who after
12 laps was still going strong while I toweled off and headed upstairs for
a shower. Where do they get that stamina?
We've nicknamed one who has really broad shoulders and exceptionally good
looking pecks "Mikey.” Another, obviously a Desert Rat (you can tell from
his tan), is called "Boulders." He lugs a bag of barbells and free weights
with him on his daily visits. He's such a square-jawed All American type
that I suppose we'll have to break down and build him a gymnasium or at
least a workout station at the far end of the pool or over near the
greenhouse. Apparently the lady Rats find him quite dreamy in his little
Gold's Gym Tee Shirt because they ooh and aah every time he flexes. Often
he brings along a friend, Steve (or BJ as he calls him.) Yes, these Rat
boys are truly giants.
Of course the few amenities McKuen Manor offers our new friends pale
compared to what we imagine Bruce Vilanch provides (and with jokes too)
just up the hill. And imagine, if you will, the festivities around Arnold
and Maria's pool. The mind bungles, boggles, blunders. I hear a Rodent
couple really gave Whoopie's chef the 'what for' when all he offered them
was a few celery sticks filled with Cheeze-Whiz.
While these creatures are seldom known to be quarrelsome Dave Geffen (he
owns the old Warner estate down the block) is rumored to have seen two of
the larger Beverly Rats carry off a young coyote to who knows where.
Please. Can’t we all just get along?
- first published
September 19, 2002
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