PASS IT ALONG |
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Photograph by Bob Gentry 8/5/99
A Thought for Today
The more attention we give the see of loneliness, the
larger we let it grow.
Friday and time for Pass It Along. Here are
some things that landed in my E-mail box with a plop this past week or so.
WE STAND BY OUR SERVICE
Will offers up his clipping collection.
All The News That Prints In Fits
1. From Bristol Evening Post:
"I have promised to keep
his identity confidential,' said Jane Setherton, a spokeswoman for the Marriott Hotel,
Bristol, "but I can confirm that he is no longer in our employment".
"We asked him to clean one lift, and he spent four days on the job. When I asked him
why, he replied;' Well, there are twelve of them, one on each floor, and sometimes some of
them aren't there.'
Eventually, we realized
that he thought each floor had a different lift, and he'd cleaned the same one twelve
times. "We had to let him go. It seemed best all round. I understand he is now
working for Woolworth's."
2. From The Star (Johannesburg):
"The situation is absolutely under control," Transport Minister
Ephraem Magagula told the Swaziland parliament in Mbabane. "Our nation's merchant
navy is perfectly safe. We just don't know where it is, that's all."
Replying to an MP's question, Minister Magagula admitted that the landlocked country had
completely lost track of its only ship, the Swazimar: "We believe it is in a sea
somewhere. At one time, we sent a team of men to look for it, but there was a problem with
drink and they failed to find it, and so, technically, yes, we've lost it a bit. But I
categorically reject all suggestions of incompetence on the part of this government. The
Swazimar is a big ship painted in the sort of nice bright colours you can see at night.
Mark my words, it will turn up. The right honourable gentleman opposite is a very naughty
man, and he will laugh on the other side of his face when my ship comes In."
3. From The Standard (Kenya):
"What is all the fuss about?" Weseka Sambu asked a hastily
convened news conference at Jomo Kenyatta International Airport. "A technical hitch
like this could have happened anywhere in the world. You people are not patriots. You just
want to cause trouble."
Sambu, a spokesman for Kenya Airways, was speaking after the
cancellation of a through flight from Kisumu, via Jomo Kenyatta, to Berlin: "The
forty-two passengers had boarded the plane ready for take-off, when the pilot noticed one
of the tires was flat. Kenya Airways did not possess a spare tire, and unfortunately the
airport nitrogen canister was empty. A passenger suggested taking the tire to a petrol
station for inflation, but unluckily the jack had gone missing so we couldn't get the
wheel off. Our engineers tried heroically to reinflate the tire with a bicycle pump, but
had no luck, and the pilot even blew into the valve with his mouth, but he passed out.
"When I announced that the flight had to be abandoned, one of the passengers, Mr.
Mutu, suddenly struck me about the face with a life-jacket whistle and said we were a
national disgrace. I told him he was being ridiculous, and that there was to be another
flight in a fortnight. And, in the meantime, he would be able to enjoy the scenery around
Kisumu, albeit at his own expense."
DAFFYNITIONS
Kathy writes "The Washington Post's Style Invitational asked readers to take any word
letter, and supply a new definition. Here are some recent winners:"
You Can take My Woid For It
Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a
hillbilly.
Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the
recipient who doesn't get it.
Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.
Burglesque: A poorly planned break-in. (See: Watergate)
Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right?
And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like a serious bummer.
Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you
rapidly.
Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it
was your money to start with.
DON'T TRY THIS AT HOME
This arrived with no name on it. "I got this one from a friend. Don't quit until you
read the whole thing. It is really rather humorous." Not if you're a cat.
How to Bathe a Cat
Dear Sir/Madam: Please forward to cat lovers everywhere who, like
myself, are very concerned about their hygiene.
1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.
3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to
stand on the lid so that he cannot escape).
CAUTION:
Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out
for any purchase they can find.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "powerwash and rinse"
which I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between
the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry
himself.
Sincerely and with much Love
The DOG
THREE BLONDES, NO WAITING!
Deb says "You're a blond and so am I (not naturally though), but this is a
riot...enjoy." True, Deb one of the best things about being blonde is it gives you
permission to print Blond Jokes.
Yeah! Team!
Three blondes walk into a bar and ask the bartender for three shots
of tequila. He looks at them and says "OK" and pours their shots.
They all clink glasses and yell "51 days!" Then they proceed to slam the shots,
looking very self-satisfied. They look back to the bartender and decide to order another
round. This time they pick up the glasses again and, more gleefully yell "Only 51
days!"
The bartender finally can't stand wondering what they are talking about and asks them what
they mean by only 51 days.
One of the blondes looks at him and says "Well," looking very smug. "We
just finished a jigsaw puzzle. It took us Only 51 Days.....and on the box it said 3-6
years."
FROM THE MOUTHS OF BABES
Coral sends these delightful comments from kids on "The Birds & The Bees."
Kid's Korner
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
"I don't know which is better, but
I'll tell you one thing: I'm never
going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out!" Theodore, age 8
"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need
somebody to clean up after them!" Anita, age 9
"Single is better ... for the simple reason that I wouldn't want to
change no diapers... Of course, if I did get married, I'd figure
something out. I'd just phone my mother and have her come over for some coffee and
diaper-changing." Kirsten, age 10
WHAT ADVICE DO YOU HAVE FOR A YOUNG COUPLE ABOUT TO BE MARRIED?
"The first thing I'd say to them is: 'Listen up, youngins... I got
something to say to you. Why in the heck do you wanna get
married, anyway?'" Craig, age 9
WHAT PROMISES DO A MAN AND A WOMAN MAKE WHEN THEY GET MARRIED?
"A man and a woman promise to go through sickness and illness and diseases
together." Marlon, age 10
WHAT WOULD YOU SUGGEST TO MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK
"Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck!" Ricky,
age 7
"If you want to last with your man, you should wear a lot of sexy
clothes.... Especially underwear that is red and maybe has a few
diamonds on it." Lori, age 8
ABOUT GETTING MARRIED FOR A SECOND TIME
"Most men are brainless, so you might have to try more than one to find a live
one." Angie L., age 10
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
"There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?"
Kelvin, age 8
"You can be sure of one thing - the boys would come chasing after us just the same as
they do now!" Roberta, age 7
OH MEN! OH WOMEN
The Battle of the sexes goes on. Here's Cathie's contribution.
Subject: Definitions - His & Hers
THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female: Any part under a car's hood.
Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male: Playing football without a helmet.
COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's
partner.
Male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys.
BUTT (but) n.
Female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured
makes "look bigger."
Male: what you slap when someone's scored a touchdown,
homerun, or goal. Also good for mooning.
COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.
ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male: Anything that can be done while drinking.
FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
Male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression
and male bonding.
MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can
achieve.
Male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.
REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male: A device for scanning through all 300 channels every
five minutes.
SPAM SANDWICHES FROM LA, LA LAND
Ann writes "My California friend, Laura, (who used to be from Belton, but quickly
outgrew that) sent this to me. They get great stuff in California. his is some of the spam
that swarms around here in La La Land."
Subject: Guidelines for Enlightenment
Guidelines for Enlightenment
by Swami Beyondananda
1. Be a Fundamentalist-make sure the Fun always comes before the
mental. Realize that life is a situation comedy that will never be canceled. A laugh track
has been provided, and the reason why we are put in the material world is to get more
material. Have a good laughsitive twice a day, and that will ensure regularhilarity.
2. Remember that each of us has been given a special gift, just for entering - so you are
already a winner!
3. The most powerful tool on the planet today is Tell-A-Vision. That is where I tell a
vision to you, and you tell a vision to me. That way, if we don't like the programming
we're getting, we can simply change the channel.
4. Life is like photography. You use the negative to develop.
5. It is true. As we go through life thinking heavy thoughts, thought particles tend to
get caught between the ears, causing a condition called truth decay. So be sure to use
mental floss twice a day. And when you're tempted to practice tantrum yoga, remember what
we teach in Swami's Absurdiveness Training class: *Don't get even, get odd.*
6. If we want world peace, we must let go of our attachments and truly live like nomads.
That's where I no mad at you, you no mad at me. That way, there'll surely be nomadness on
the planet. And
peace begins with each of us. A little peace here, a little peace there, pretty soon all
the peaces will fit together to make one big peace everywhere.
7. I know great earth changes have been predicted for the future, so if you're looking to
avoid earthquakes, my advice is simple. When you find a fault, just don't dwell on it.
8. There's no need to change the world. All we have to do is toilet train the world, and
we'll never have to change it again.
9. If you're looking to find the key to the Universe, I have some bad news and some good
news. The bad news is: there is no key to the Universe. The good news is: it has been left
unlocked.
10. Finally, everything I have told you is channeled. That way, if you don't like it, it's
not my fault. And remember, enlightenment is not a bureaucracy. So we don't have to go
through channels.
by Swami Beyondananda
AREN'T YOU GLAD YOU'RE NOT AN
EMPLOYEE AT WAL-MART
The Devil in Huffy is back with......
Fun things to do at Wal-Mart!
1. Get boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when
they don't realize it.
2. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
3. Make a trail of orange juice on the floor, leading to the restrooms.
4. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code
3 in house wares," and see what happens.
5. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to
"10."
6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
7. Put M&M's on layaway.
8. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas
9. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they
bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
10. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, Why won't you people just
leave me alone?"
11. Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
12. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full-scale battlefield with G.I. Joe's
vs. the X-Men.
13. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
14. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows
where the anti-depressants are.
15. Switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the restrooms.
16. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission Impossible."
17. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.
18. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various funnels.
19. Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like "pick
me! pick me!!"
20. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream,
"No, no! It's those voices again!"
21. Go into the dressing room and yell real loud..."Hey, we're out of toilet paper in
here!"
SUPER GROANER
This comes from Nicky and as Groaners go, I'd give it a ten. Bet Sister Mark would too.
The Bar At The Top Of The Empire State Building
This guy goes up to a bar located at
the top of the Empire State
Building in New York. It looks like a nice place and he takes a seat at the bar next to
another guy.
"This is a nice place, I've never been here," the first guy says.
"Oh really?" the other replies, "it's also a very special bar."
"Why is that?" the first guy asks.
"Well, you see that painting on the far wall? That's an original Van Gogh, and this
stool I'm sitting on was on the Titanic."
"Gee, that's amazing!" the first guy says.
"Not only that, but you see that window over there, fourth from the right? Well, the
wind does strange things outside that window. If you jump out you'll fall about 50 feet
before the wind catches you and you're pushed back up."
"No way, that's impossible," the first guy replies.
"Not at all, take a look," the other man replies and walks over to the window,
followed closely by the first man. He opens the window, climbs over the sill and falls
out. He drops 10...20...30...40...50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh! He comes right
back up and sails back through the window.
"See, it's fun. You should try it," he says.
"Try it, I don't even believe I saw it!," the first man shouts.
"It's easy. Watch, I'll do it again," and with that, he falls out the
window again. He drops 10...20...30...40...50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh! He comes
right back up and sails back through the window.
"Give it a try, it's a blast," he says.
"Well, what the hell, I'll give it a try," the first man says and proceeds to
fall out the window. He falls10... 20... 30.. 40... 50... 60... 70... 80... 90.. 100 feet
and splat! He ends up as road pizza on the sidewalk.
After watching the first man fall to his death, the other guy casually closes the window
and heads back to the bar and orders another drink.
The bartender arrives with the drink and says, "You know Superman, you're a real jerk
when you're drunk.
TOP 10 REASONS HALLOWEEN IS BETTER THAN SEX
This is a Nicky list. You'll have to convince me.
The top 10 Reasons Trick-or Treating Is Better than Sex
10. Guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
9. If you get tired, wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
7. You don't have to compliment the person who gave you candy.
6. Person you're with doesn't fantasize you're someone else.
5. If you get a stomachache, it won't last 9 months.
4. If you wear your Batman mask, no one thinks you're kinky.
3. Doesn't matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning.
2. Less guilt the next morning. ...
and the number one reason trick-or-treating is better than sex ....
1. IF YOU DON'T GET WHAT YOU WANT, YOU CAN ALWAYS GO NEXT DOOR!
YOU KNOW THE NINETIES ARE JUST
ABOUT OVER WHEN..
Huffy sends you the following list.
The Grey Nineties
1. Everyone used to joke about a Starbucks on every corner, and now
there is a Starbucks on every corner.
2. People mark December 31st on their calendar as "The End of the World."
3. Gen-Xers trade their futons in for orthopedic support mattresses.
4. You realize a big family is inefficient and decide to downsize.
5. HBO introduces its new channel: HBO Pi - The channel that never repeats.
6. Movie promos brag, "Funniest Movie of the Millennium."
7. Parents complain to their college kids, "You never e-mail us anymore."
8. Clinton responds to all allegations with, "So what are you gonna do about
it?"
9. People tell you their salary followed by, "with stock options."
10. George Foreman's Super-Deluxe Grill loses to Muhammad Ali's Straight Salad Shooter.
11. Ritalin comes in the shapes of Flintstones characters.
12. Everything computer science majors learn in school is outdated before graduation.
13. Domino's Pizza only delivers to non-smoking homes.
14. Out of force-of-habit, you tag your signature with ".com."
15. People refer to New Age remedies as Old School.
16. You realize you haven't seen a movie this decade that hasn't been interrupted by a
cell phone.
17. You're sick of receiving lists about the 90s.
WHY?
For those who enjoy being driven mad by unanswerable questions, Ray picked these up from
Anita
For Answers Turn Your Laptop Upside Down & Shake It
Why is the time of the day with the
slowest traffic called "rush hour?"
Do you think Houdini ever locked his keys in his car?
If procrastinators had a club, would they ever have a meeting?
Why is there a road sign that says "Braille Institute, Next Exit?"
Have you ever wondered why just one letter makes all the difference between
"here" and "there?"
If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them,
would you go to lunch or read the paper?
Isn't it strange that the same people who laugh at gypsy fortune
tellers take economists seriously?
If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?
Why do hair shampoo instructions say Lather. Rinse. Repeat? If you did this, would you
ever be able to stop?
Is it possible to have déjà vu and amnesia at the same time?
How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?
If genetic scientists crossed a chicken with a zebra, would they get a four legged chicken
with its own bar code?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If man evolved from apes why do we still have apes?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help Section was, she said
if she told me it would defeat the purpose.
Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If a man stands in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear
him....Is he still wrong?
If that same person with schizophrenia was successful in committing suicide, would it be
called a homicide?
Is there another word for synonym?
What's the opposite of an antonym?
Isn't it scary that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?
What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
If a parsley farmer is sued do they garnish his wages?
Would a wingless fly be called a walk?
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The
whole time."
So what's the speed of dark?
How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees?
Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
Isn't Disney World a people trap run by a mouse?
Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
Why do banks charge you a non-sufficient funds fee when they already know you don't have
any?
If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is
it expanding into?
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun
of it?
Why are there 5 syllables in the word monosyllabic?
Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything
outdoors?
Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not adore?
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has
wet paint and he has to touch it.
If Superman could stop bullets with his chest, why did he always duck when someone threw a
gun at him?
Why does lemon juice contain artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real
lemons?
Why do we wait until a pig is dead to cure it?
Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
What do Sheep count when they go to sleep?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Is boneless chicken considered an invertebrate?
Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?
Why do we park on a driveway and drive through a parkway?
Why do we have speed limits on a freeway?
Do you ever wonder who shot a shooting star?
Would the grass be greener on the other side if there was a drought?
If a judge throws the book at you, should you duck?
If the energizer bunny hit someone, would he be charged with Assault and Battery?
BABY IT'S COLD OUTSIDE
Coral sends this list and asks that it be "Dedicated To Larry and Bill!"
You Know You're From Canada When
You only know three spices - salt,
pepper, and ketchup
You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit
The mosquitoes have landing lights
You have more miles on your snowblower than your car
You have 10 favourite recipes for moose meat
Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at
Christmas
You live in a house that has no front step, yet the door is one meter above the ground
You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard
Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow
You think sexy lingerie is tube-socks and a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons
You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car
The local paper covers National and International headlines on 2 pages, but requires 6
pages for hockey
At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant
The most effective mosquito repellant is a shotgun
Your snowblower gets stuck on the roof
You think the start of moose season is a national holiday
You head south to go to your cottage
You frequently clean grease off your barbeque so the bears won't prowl on your deck
You know which leaves make good toilet paper
The major parish fund-raiser isn't bingo - it's sausage making
You find -40c a little chilly
The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freezer
You attend a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewelry, and your Sorrels
You can play road hockey on skates
You know 4 seasons - winter, Still Winter, almost winter, and
Construction
The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus
Many thanks to Will, Kathy, Deb, Coral, Ann, Huffy, Nicky, Anita and Ray for all the sunny
business today. Take care of yourselves today and tonight and sleep warm. See you tomorrow
with a sentimental Saturday.
- RM 10/21/99 Previously unpublished |
