Rod & Rocky. Photo by Bob Gentry
©2000 by Stanyan Music Group
A Thought for Today
Don't patronize the dying. They need the normal face and behavior. Cheer them on, cry afterward.
WHAT'S YOUR LINE?
When it comes to stopping unwanted advances in their tracks, Nicky Williams has all the answers.
IS THIS SEAT TAKEN?
Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."
Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."
Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."
Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"
Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."
Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't know your name.
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."
Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."
Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman: "Do not Enter"
Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason"
Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"
Man: "I'm here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy."
Woman: "You mean you've got both a donkey and a Great Dane?"
Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then please leave me alone."
Man: "I want to give myself to you."
Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."
Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy:
Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."
Man: "Your body is like a temple."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."
Man: "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."
This one comes from Rose and even though it concerns The Great Beyond, I assure you she's still Here and Now. She reports:
"I have studied the Eastern religions. Reincarnation is my belief. When I come back it will be as a SUMO wrestler. Do you realize how many calories a day they can consume?"
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the after life. The woman's biggest fear was that there was no heaven.
After a long life the husband was the first to go and true to his word he made contact. "Mary... Mary.... "
"Is that you Fred?"
"Yes, I have come back like we agreed."
"What is it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, I have sex, I bathe in the sun, then I have sex-twice, I have lunch, then sex pretty much all afternoon-supper-then sex till late at night, sleep then start all over again."
"Oh Fred you surely must be in heaven."
"Hell no, I'm a rabbit in Kansas."
MARTHA STEWARTS THOUGHTS WHEN SHE'S BEEN DRINKING
"Personally, I think this would be one of her better shows!," Sharon Sewell
IT'S A GOOD THING
OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know.
A TEASPOON placed in a glass on the back seat of your car makes a handy audible gauge for road bump severity.
FOOL other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.
BOMB disposal experts' wives. Keep hubby on his toes by packing his lunchbox with plasticine and an old alarm clock.
LOSE weight quickly by eating raw pork or rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning/diarrhea enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.
AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
OLD contact lenses make ideal 'portholes' for small model boats.
NO TIME for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.
EXPENSIVE hair gels are a con. Marmalade is a much cheaper alternative, but beware of bees in the summer.
APPLY red nail varnish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting varnish should be selected).
PUTTING just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and causes them to swim in an amusing manner.
IF A PERSON is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down their throat and presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.
SAVE ON BOOZE by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of dish washing liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.
MAKE bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.
INCREASE blind people's electricity bills by switching all their lights on when their guide dog isn't looking.
RECREATE the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.
INTERNATIONAL MASTER CRIMINALS. Tell your guards to shoot James Bond in the head at the first opportunity. Under no circumstances give him a guided tour of your base, or leave him in the custody of attractive women in bikinis.
Sue sent this dilly which ought to be a cautionary tale for all of us members of the weaker sex.
A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn; the wife preferred to read.
One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. The wife decided to take the boat out. She was not familiar with the lake so she rowed out, anchored the boat, and started reading her book.
Along came the sheriff in his boat, pulled up alongside and said, "Good Morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading my book," she replied as she thought to herself, "Is this guy blind or what?"
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informed her.
"But Officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?"
"But you have all this equipment, Ma'am. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that I will charge you with rape," snapped the irate woman.
"I didn't even touch you," growled the sheriff.
"Yes, that's true...but you have all the equipment..."
MORAL: NEVER ARGUE WITH A WOMAN WHO KNOWS HOW TO READ!
TODAY'S COMPUTER CHUCKLE
This one arrived from several sources this week, so you may have already seen it.
COULD YOU REPEAT THAT?
I was helping someone set up his computer, and he wanted to log in with a password.... now you have to understand he's got somewhat of a rebellious attitude and goes for the shock effect... so when the computer asked him to enter his password, he keys in "penis"...
I nearly fell off the chair from laughing so hard when the computer replied: *** PASSWORD REJECTED. TOO SHORT
FUN IN THE HOSPITAL WARD
The following stimulating conversation is yet another contribution from Nicky.
A ONE ACT PLAY
A man was brought in to the hospital intensive care ward, put in a bed, tubes coming out everywhere. A week later, another man was admitted, in a similar condition.
Both lay there, machines pinging, tubes poking etc.
It was a couple more weeks before one of them had the strength to raise his hand and point to himself and say: "Scottish"
The other signaled he had heard, raised his own hand, and said "Irish"
This act tired them out so badly it was a week before the first summoned up the strength to say "Glasgow"
Again the second replied in a weedy frail voice "Dublin"
Once more, the strain was too much for them both and they passed out.
Days passed before the first man managed to again point to himself and say: "Jimmy"
Replied the other: "Paddy"
A few hours later, Jimmy managed to point to himself again and rasp out weakly: "Cancer"
Paddy responded: "Sagittarius"
A KYLETTA CONDIMENT
I always expect the unexpected from Kyletta Miller. She never
A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first
class on a plane. The woman sneezes, then takes a
tissue and gently wipes it between her legs. The man isn't
sure he saw what she did, and decides he is probably
A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes
a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs. The man is
about to go nuts. He can't believe that he's seeing what he's
A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again.
She takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs yet
The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the
woman and says, "Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've taken a tissue and wiped it between your legs! What kind of signals are you sending me, or are you just trying to drive me crazy?"
The woman replies, " I am sorry to have disturbed you, sir. I
have a rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an
The man, now feeling bad, says, "Oh, I'm sorry. What are you
taking for it?"
The woman looks at him and says, "Pepper."
THE NEW APARTMENT
Only Ellen could provide us with a non-ticking groaner.
While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den.
"What is the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his friends asked.
"That is the talking clock," the man replied.
"How's it work?" the friend asked.
"Watch," the man said and proceeded to give the gong an ear-shattering pound with the hammer.
Suddenly, someone screamed from the other side of the wall, "Knock it off, you idiot! It's two o'clock in the morning!"
JUST THE JOKES, FOLKS
Here's some funny business for Friday.
I was in a church meeting where the topic was "Burial or Cremation?" was discussed. Two of the people got rather worked up.
One said to the other, "If you have yourself cremated, all you will be doing is . . . making an ash of yourself!"
The other replied, "Well, I'm told that petroleum comes from fossilized bones, so if you have yourself buried all you will be doing . . . is making a fuel of yourself!"
A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an Englishman on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.
"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me."
"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man.
" When the Englishman remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?
"Once," he replied.
"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?"
The hostess of her bridge club got a last minute call from one of the players that she was sick. Unable to get a replacement on such short notice, she drafted her husband, a mediocre player with an attitude.
During the game, he got up and went to the bathroom, leaving the door ajar. Everyone listened as he urinated into the toilet.
Embarrassed, his wife called out, "John, would you please close the door!"
John's partner said, "Never mind, it's the first time since we started playing that I've known what the man has in his hand."
THE INEVITABLE BRUNETTE CHALLENGED DEPT
This weeks Peroxide thinly spread on gauze comes from Kyletta.
TWO BLONDES, NO WAITING
Two blondes were working on a house. The one who was nailing
down siding would reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail
and either toss it over his shoulder or nail it in. The other,
figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you
throwing those nails away?"
The first explained, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it's
pointed toward me, I throw it away 'cause it's defective. If
it's pointed toward the house, then I nail it in!"
The second blonde got completely upset and yelled, "You moron!
The nails pointed toward you aren't defective! They're for the
other side of the house!"
This blonde was driving down an old country road when she spots a blonde in a wheat field rowing a boat. She pulls over to the side of the road and stops the car. Staring in disbelief, she stands at the side of the road to watch for a while.
"Why are you rowing a boat in the middle of the field?" she asks.
The blonde in the field stops rowing and responds, "Because it's an ocean of wheat!"
The blonde standing at the side of the road is furious. She yells to the blonde in the field, "It's blondes like you that give the rest of us a bad name." The blonde in the field just shrugged her shoulders and began rowing again.
The blonde on the side of the road was beside herself and shook her fist at the blonde in the field, yelling, "If I could swim, I'd come out there and kick your ass!"
Thanks to all of those who helped spread the fun today. See you tomorrow with some "Saturday Stuff."
RM 7/18/2000 Previously unpublished