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A Thought for Today
There are more shades of gray than there are black and white.
It's nice to be back and many thanks to Ken for handling this space so ably while I was in New York and other places East. Needless to say there has been quite a mail buildup, so let's get to it.
A SCENE FROM THE SEVENTIES
Dear Rod McKuen: How are you? It's sad that I waited so long to search for and find your site. I tried a few years back and came up with nothing. I have been an admirer of your work for some years now. You had inspired this young black man to write about his feeling way back in the early seventies.
I still can't remember how I got turned on to your work. It could have been one of your books of poetry that I still cherish or the calendar that I still have. Whatever it was, I am glad that I found it at the time that I did. Because during the hard and lonely times, just memorizing one of my favorite poems by you seemed to pull me through.
It's funny; but I never searched out any celebrity in my whole life for an autograph or a word with or even just to write. Writing you now, I will have done it all.
I met you here in Buffalo, NY back in the late seventies at Melody Fair. Yes, I stood in line to speak and to get an autograph on one of your albums. It's funny how you think you know what you want to say when you meet someone. But somehow one turns into a bumbling idiot as I did. All that would come out of my mouth was that I liked your watch that you were wearing. How stupid!
I do remember the watch though. It was a gold plated LED watch that you had to press a button to get the time to show in red. Remember those? Since then, I never really try to speak to anyone famous again. I just nod my head or give a quick wave.
I hope all is well, and that you're still writing and maybe negotiating a movie deal based on your life. Your faithful fan,
Terry
Dear Terry, Thanks for the kind thoughts. I'm glad I was there for you and of course it works both ways, you are here for me now.
The first time I ever stood in line to get an autograph was way back in the fifties and the great Dinah Washington was the celebrity. She was playing at a real San Francisco dive called The Primalon Ballroom. It was a crowded, hazardous room without a stage that would have given any fire inspector the willies, had he dared to risk his own life on a look-see.
A pretty good house band played for dancing and at one point the dance music stopped and Miss Washington magically appeared. She sang like a banished angel, by that I mean those great low notes that began somewhere under her stomach and managed to escape from her bright red lips were nothing like the always heavenly tones of a Sarah Vaughan. But, oh, she was so sexy as she bit off every word as though she hated to part with it.
Her repertoire that long ago night was more inclined to the bawdy "King Sized Papa" and "Big, Long Slidin' Thing" than to her hits "What A difference a Day Makes" and "Harbor Lights." It was an all black audience except for this toe-headed kid and she knew what they wanted. Even in her awful trademark cheap blonde wig and too tight dress she was a physical and musical knockout. I had to have her autograph so I hung around through two sets and caught up with her just as she was about to exit down the same rickety stairs her audience had to
climb for an audience with her.
While it's hard for me to believe anyone could be intimidated by me, Terry, I've only to remember that night at the Primilon when I hung back till everyone else's autograph book or record was scribbled on before I offered one from my own collection for her signature. I might never have gotten it if at one point she hadn't called to me "Aren't you gonna come over here, Shy White Boy, and give The Queen a big kiss?"
A sea of bemused young Black couples and drag queens (all dressed like her in a kind of mass homage) parted as I moved forward to her royal presence. I have no idea what I said to her, though it certainly wasn't what I intended. I do remember that she smelled sweet and was sweet to me. That autograph is still a prize. But I was more than just a little intimidated to be in her company. I still own all of her recordings on shellac, vinyl and now CD and play them often.
As for that watch, it was a gift and I never liked it very much, it was probably abandoned somewhere in a box containing happy face pins, peace rings and gold chains also popular at the time.
Next time I'm in Buffalo come up and say hello. You must know from our first encounter that I don't usually bite. I am still writing songs (even on airplanes where I'm answering your letter) but as for negotiating a movie on my life, what life? I haven't fully lived it yet. I think Oprah owns the rights to Dinah Washington's life story and I can't think of anyone better to play "the Queen." than the lovely Miss O.
Take care, Terry. With affection, Rod.
PS: Since I know your handle I looked up your profile on AOL. What the heck is a "Graphic electronic pre-press manager? Tried to access your Webpage but couldn't get through. You might want to check that out.
AN INTRODUCTION TO MY WORK
Dear Rod: I was first introduced to your work by a close friend in 1988. His partner had contracted AIDS through a blood transfusion and was very sick. At that time, support groups were few and there was little to no understanding of treatments for this deadly disease. During this ordeal, our circle of friends grew very close. The two of them shared with us their deepest dreams, desires, and emotions. They also shared their love for your writing and music. They often read to us from "Alone" - this was the very favorite.
At the funeral, Jim gave me a copy of "Alone" with the inscription "May these words accompany you through life, so that you are never Alone..." Although that copy is dog-eared beyond belief, it holds a very important place on my bookshelf. Over the years, I have also purchased and given this book to many others... each time for different reasons. The result is always the same - they discover something in your writing that strikes a chord with them and somehow brings them comfort.
I visit "Flight Plan" almost daily. I enjoy reading the letters from so many people that you have reached. I also respect and admire that you devote so much of your time and energy to helping others. I am glad that you continue to share your thoughts with us through your web site. I look forward to seeing you perform next year.
The reason I am writing to you is that I am trying to piece my heart back together after my most recent love has decided that he is still in love with someone else. I am taking comfort again in your writing and I just thought it was about time that I say "Thank you." Thank you for sharing yourself with me and with so many others. Thank you for always being there, even when you didn't know that you were. Cat "Bond Girl"
Dear Cat, Thanks for taking the time to write. Having lost personal friends to AIDS and as a volunteer with Hospice and various AIDS organizations seen so many lives taken by this incredibly vicious disease I understand how hard it must have been for you to be a witness to your friends passing.
While new drugs and combinations of various medical procedures continue to extend the lives of many of those infected by HIV and AIDS there is still no cure or vaccine on the horizon. For that reason information on AIDS prevention and a plea for understanding and compassion toward those who have contracted HIV and AIDS continues to remain a high priority in my life and work. The more all of us can stress that acquiring AIDS is preventable, but that once it has been
contacted compassion and comfort, not condemnation, is the order of the day; the better off all of us will be as human beings and the more we can work together to finally overcome this plague by working toward a cure.
AIDS doesn't receive the kind of publicity and press attention it once did and yet there are more cases of HIV and AIDS being
diagnosed than ever. It is so serious around the world that it is not an exaggeration to say that Africa, for one country, could all but be wiped out because of AIDS. Already there are 30 million orphans to AIDS on the Dark Continent. It is estimated that 7 out of 10 Africans have contracted HIV or AIDS. Because of the lack of medicine available in Africa and the stigma that comes with AIDS, one African doctor told me that when he diagnoses AIDS in a patient he doesn't even bother telling them.
Asia is on the verge of an AIDS epidemic.
In our own country HIV and AIDS patients are now primarily women, Latinos and African Americans. Again, no cure or vaccine is likely to be found any time soon.
As to your new love still hanging on to the past, be glad you learned about it now and press on. Thanks for a very moving letter, Cat. Affectionately, Rod
ALOHA FROM HAWAII
My My My. I am a sorority girl (okay, 55 but I think young!) and belong to a huge alumnae group on-line called Surfing Sisters. One of the questions that came up last week was what is your favorite book? Well, hands down the answer was "Stanyan Street and Other Sorrows" and anything else written by you. I knew most of the younger girls wouldn't connect but I had an avalanche of email from the ladies my age.
We have a lot to get off our chests. How could you possibly be gay? You were supposed to be writing those beautiful heart-aching poems to ME Personally (and every other Delta Zeta as far as I can tell). We don't care if you are in a committed relationship, we feel you are OURS and always will be. We know that your beautiful words are for all of us and damn it, if we have to share we will, but not happily. :)
I personally want you to know that your books got me through depression, angst and in general, growing up and all that goes on in College. You are a special part of my life and I have left instructions for a poem or two of yours to be read when I leave this earth.
Stay well and take enjoyment over a few minutes of new fame you are enjoying on Surfing Sisters. On a more private note, did you ever find your Dad?
Mahalo and keep your work coming to all of us, who think it is only for us. Carolyn Segawa EA'63
Aloha Carolyn, I did find out who I think my father was, but of course it was too late to get to know him. It was a very sobering moment to look down at a gravestone in a Santa Monica cemetery and see my own names.
As to my sexual orientation, categories, particularly sexual ones, have no meaning for me.
Have I been to bed with men? Yes. Have I been to bed with women? Yes. Goats? No. Do I consider myself Heterosexual, Homosexual or Bi-sexual? None of the above. What I am is a man trying to make his way through the complications and vagaries of life the best and most honest way he can.
I am attracted to people. Their talents, ideas, intelligence and sometimes my attraction to them are even sexual. Since, like just about everyone else, I spend more of my time working, brushing my teeth and even going to the bathroom than I do having sexual encounters of any kind I refuse to be categorized by such a narrow definition as what I do or do not do sexually.
Of course I'm aware that some people define their lives by what their sexual preference is and if it works for them, fine. I wish my own life were less complicated so that parameters and signposts would work a little better for me. That just isn't the case. I can't even settle on what kind of work I like doing best, never mind having to narrow the sexual possibilities.
I do strongly identify with the Gay Community's fight for the same rights for committed couples that married couples enjoy. Rights that include unimpaired hospital visits, community property, spousal medical benefits, adoption rights, tax breaks inheritance and all the other advantages that are common to so called straight couple.
Apparently I am not in the minority in my beliefs since fully a third of the Fortune 500 companies now grant these benefits to couples of every sexual persuasion. Some of those companies include Paramount/Disney/ABC, Levi-Strauss, Apple and several other computer-related organizations. Not only are they shining examples of human right, but they obviously believe that keeping their employees happy is a major and practical concern.
And I am now and have always been a proud member of the Women's Movement. I do not consider women having control over their bodies and receiving equal pay for equal work 'special treatment'.
People of Color are no different to me than Methodists or Mormons and should enjoy the same benefits as all their brothers and sisters. We cannot accept the fatherhood of God and deny the brotherhood of man.
I enjoy life and all it has to offer. Most of all, I love learning and experiencing the new, or as I once put it long ago, "My dog likes
oranges but he'll eat apples too. He goes where the smiles go."
I did write those poems for you and your surfing sisters and I wrote them for me too. If they have helped you get through some difficult times, I couldn't be more pleased. Explaining my life on paper helps
me get through hard times as well.
All the best Carolyn and thanks for continuing to care. Warmly, Rod
OUCH
Dear Rod, Once upon a time, in the mid 1970's, there was a brave young girl who happened to be walking behind you as you made your way through the crowd to your perch on a stage in Evansville, Indiana. Quite bravely and quite uncharacteristically, she reached down and pinched your butt. You looked back and said two words: "thank you".
Doubtless you have lost count of the number of butt-pinchers the gods have placed along your path, but just the same, I'd like to say that one of those butt-pinchers was me. Somewhere along life's way, I lost that kind of bravery. Pity. Highest Regards, Melissa
Dear Melissa, My butt isn't pinched quite so often these days, but most body contact is still appreciated. As to loosing your bravery about butt-pinching, that's one activity women can still
indulge in but is definitely off limits to men. So, if you see a round, firm and fully packed male rear end that turns you on, pinch away.
Most men won't admit it, but we love being thought of as sex objects. I'd gladly sacrifice a little of my not always solid brain matter for firmer
abs (or any other part of my anatomy.) Warmly, Rod
FOUND AGAIN
I just wanted you to know that many years ago (over 25) I had found solace in your poetry. At the time, I was a very unhappy young woman and had stumbled upon your poetry. I remember reading your thoughts on love and loneliness. I felt touched by both. I had purchased two of your books at that time; I could not afford any more than that or there would have been more. I have kept both over the years, although I haven't looked at them for years until now.
Just recently while visiting my daughter, I stumbled across your works in a bookstore and purchased two more books. I had forgotten how you had touched my heart; and now so many years later, I again am deeply touched. Love has always been difficult for me. Painful at times. (I have a cat that I love deeply and he me, but he even turns on me now and then, and bites me when I least expect it. Kind of like all the lovers in my life.) It seems I have searched all my life for that true love - the love spoken in so many of your writings--only to have it taken away or turn on me.
I believe that your popularity is because you have exposed yourself in your words and you have shown your readers that you are a kind man. Thank you for you and your words. Sincerely, Mary
Dear Mary, I don't think love comes easy for any of us and of course the more often a romance or attachment ends badly, the more wary we become of entering into new relationships. But, we do have to keep trying. That's the nature of life and most particularly of loving. There's a pretty fine line between
acceptance and rejection and in life we'll always get our share of both. So what?
Start looking at it this way, if someone rejects you out of hand or even after they think they know you a bit, it's their loss. You know how good you are and what a great catch you'll be for the right person.
Thanks for the comforting thoughts Mary and don't let anyone put you down, especially you, yourself. Luv, Rod
PS: My cats bite me too, but I consider them love bites.
THE LAST WORD
You mean to tell me that those old ladies in Palm Beach can play 15 Bingo cards simultaneously - but can't punch a ballot? -Bablaca
See you tomorrow with more mail. Sleep warm.
RM 11/16/2000 Previously unpublished
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