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Rod & Sunny: Photo by Bob Gentry
8/5/1999
A Thought for Today
Think before you speak and consider before you promise.
I could say I'm looking forward to the weekend and a little rest, alas that wouldn't be true. I am looking forward to tomorrow and Sunday because it means I may get some of last weekend's work (that I postponed) out of the way. Whatever happened to weekends, anyway?
Here's some stuff that I hope will lighten your load today.
TWO GROANERS FROM KYLETTA
The irrepressible Kyletta Miller offers the following.
THE LION SLEEPS TONIGHT
A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?" The trembling monkey says, "You are, mighty lion!"
"Later, the lion confronts a wildebeest and fiercely bellows, "Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?" The terrified wildebeest stammers,
"Oh great lion, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle!"
On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars, "Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?" Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times, making the lion feeling like it'd been run over by a safari wagon. The elephant then stomped on the lion until it looked like a corn tortilla and then ambled away.
The lion let out a moan of pain, lifted his head weakly and hollered after the elephant, "Geez, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so pissed off!"
A HAIRY TALE
Jane got a new job as a stylist at a beauty salon.
During her second week on the job, a bald woman walked into the salon and said to Jane, "I've tried everything to make my hair grow and nothing works. I'm a rich woman -- I'll give you $25,000 if you can make my hair look just like yours."
"No problem," said Jane, and quickly shaved her head.
YOU CAN'T ALWAYS GET WHAT YOU WANT
"A couple of clean ones Rod, not hilarious but clean....You can't have everything *smile* Love, Stargirl
HELP WANTED
A young man, fresh out of business school, answered a want ad for an accountant. A very nervous man who ran a three-man business interviewed him:
"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."
"Excuse me?" the young accountant said.
"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back."
"I see," the young accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?"
"I will start you at eighty-five thousand dollars a year."
"Eighty-five thousand dollars!" the young accountant exclaimed. "How can such a small business afford to pay me a sum like that?"
"That," the owner said, "is your first worry."
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NO WAY OUT
A telephone repairman was working late in a big office building and became lost. After a seemingly endless search, through the long and winding first floor, to find an exit, he spotted a woman at the end of a corridor.
"How do I get outside?" he asked.
"Dial 9," she replied.
OH MEN, OH WOMEN
Coral comments:
"Boy, is life REALLY this difficult for men! It made me laugh but there's enough in the subtext to make me want to cry...or maybe it was the three glasses of Grenache Shiraz that did that."
THE 5 QUESTIONS MOST FEARED BY MEN ARE
a) What are you thinking about?
b) Do you love me?
c) Do I look fat?
d) Do you think she is prettier than me?
e) What would you do if I died?
What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is
guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e., tells the
truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.
Question # 1:What are you thinking about?
The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you."
This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:
f) Baseball.
g) Football.
h) How fat you are.
i) How much prettier she is than you.
j) How I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!"
Question # 2: Do you love me?
The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear."
Inappropriate responses include:
k) Oh Yeah, shit-loads.
l) Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
m) That depends on what you mean by love.
n) Does it matter?
o) Who, me?
Question # 3: Do I look fat?
The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!"
Among the incorrect answers are:
p) Compared to what?
q) I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
r) A little extra weight looks good on you.
s) I've seen fatter.
t) Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me?
Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!"
Incorrect responses include:
a) Yes, but you have a better personality
b) Not prettier, but definitely thinner
c) Not as pretty as you when you were her age
d) Define pretty
e) Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Question # 5:What would you do if I died?
A definite no-win question. (The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Corvette and a Boat"). No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:
WOMAN: Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not, don't you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.
WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.
WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
MAN: (makes audible groan)
OMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
AN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed.
WOMAN:- - - silence - - -
MAN: Whoops!
OBLIGATORY BLONDE JOKE
This comes from Ellen & Molly.
ROUTE 66
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the driver, he was astounded to see a blonde behind the wheel knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"
"NO," the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
GOOD JOKE BY NOEL WYLIE
(As told on The Tonight Show)
A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wrapped in Saran Wrap.
The doctor says, "I can clearly see your nuts."
WORDS TO LIVE BY
Carol reminded us of today's Shrubism.
"A tax cut is really one of the anecdotes to coming out of an economic illness."
- George W. Bush.
(Yes, and the antidote to Foot In Mouth is to keep other one on ground)
FRIDAY FAVORITE
Finally the best of the week sent in by Nicky Williams who found this gem by reporter John Troup of News Group Newspapers Ltd.
ASHES TO ASHES
13 October,
2000
Thieves smashed down the front door of Dee Blyth's London bungalow before stealing two TVs, a video recorder, a hi-fi and jewelry worth £2,000. The burglars thought they had hit the jackpot when they saw a pot of powder marked "Charlie" - slang for cocaine - on pet-lover Dee's mantelpiece. But they were unaware the pot was an urn and the "drugs" were really the remains of her beloved Newfoundland Charlie, who died in 1997.
A PC called to investigate the break-in at Chadwell Heath, Essex, fell about laughing when he saw the burglars had arranged the ashes in cocaine-style LINES. Police are not totally clueless since they plan to track the culprits using DNA samples from the bag of Charlie's ashes.
Tomorrow I'll be back with some Saturday Stuff. I hope you'll join me. If you can't sneak out a little early from work today, look busy. Sleep warm.
RM 10/19/2000 Previously unpublished
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