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A Thought for Today
Our springs are all confusing, our
summers slow and easy, our autumns are a worry and our winters are too
short.
It doesn’t get much better
than Friday, except for Saturday & Sunday. Here’s some “stuff” from Ye
Olde Post Box. Read on for what I hope will be a nice surprise for those
of you stopping by tomorrow.
OH YES!
Jane loves puns – and she sent
us one.
OH NO!
An Amish
lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled
over by a cop. "Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue
you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy."
"Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home."
"That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein
loops across the horse's back and around one of his testicles. I consider
that animal abuse. That's cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care
of that right away!"
Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter
with the cop. "Well, dear, what exactly did he say?" asked the husband.
"He said the reflector is broken," replied the Amish lady.
"I can fix that in two minutes. What else?" asked the husband.
The wife replied, "I'm not sure, Jacob . . . Something about the
emergency brake."
BAD WORK DAY?
And, Jane says:
“Stop
complaining about life not being fair."
THE PULSE OF THE NATION
When you
have an "I hate my job" day try this: On your way home from work, stop at
your pharmacy and go to the
thermometer section. You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer made
by "Q-tip." Be very sure that you get this brand.
When you get home, lock your doors, draw the drapes, and disconnect the
phone so you will not be disturbed during your therapy.
Change to very comfortable clothing, such as a sweat suit and lie down on
your bed. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Carefully place it
on the bedside table so that it will not become chipped or broken.
Take out the written material that accompanies the thermometer and read
it. You will notice that in small print there is a statement: "Every
rectal thermometer made by Q-tip is personally tested."
Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, "I am so glad I do
not work in quality control at the Q-Tip Company."
RULES FOR REAL MEN
Nic Williams writes:
“Oh you boys
are soooo macho!”
Ooh, you boys are soooo macho!
REAL MEN DO SPEAK KITCH
Guy Rules
1. Any Man who
brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his
fellow partygoers.
2. Under no
circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
3. It is ok
for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
a. When a
heroic dog dies to save its master
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse
c. After wrecking your boss' car.
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
e. When your Date is using her teeth.
4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out
of jail within 12 hours.
5. Acceptable excuse for not helping a friend of a friend move:
You'd rather stay home and watch speed buggy reruns.
6. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off
limits forever, unless you actually marry her.
7. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for a guy who's running
late is 5 minutes. Maximum waiting time: 6 minutes. For a girl, you have
to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic
1-10 scale.
8. Bitching about the brand of free beer in a Mate's fridge is
forbidden. Gripe at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
9. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for
another man (in fact, even remembering your Mate's birthday is strictly
optional).
10. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops,
not the weakest.
11. While your girlfriend must bond with your Mates' girlfriends
within 30 minutes of meeting them, you are not required to
make nice with her gal pals' significant dick-heads--- low sports bonding
is all the law requires (sorry ladies, it's called a double standard and
we drew the short straw on that one).
12. Unless you have signed a lucrative endorsement contract, do not appear
in public wearing more than one swoosh.
13. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may
always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's
playing.
14. You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her
to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of
flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.
15. It is permissible to quaff a fruity chick drink only when you're
sunning on a tropical beach....and it's delivered by a topless
supermodel...and it's free.
16. Only in situations of Moral and/or Ass peril are you allowed to kick
another guy in the nuts.
17. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
18. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
19. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem---you didn't see nothin'.
20. Women who claim the "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies
until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as
much beer as the other sports watchers.
21. You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death of a
girlfriend's cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw
it into a ceiling fan.
22. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain
sober enough to fight.
23. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of
pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.
24. If you complement a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about
his choice of beer.
25. Never join your girlfriend or wife in dissing a Mate of yours,
except if she's withholding sex pending your response.
26. Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting
weights:
a. Yeah,
Baby, Push it!
b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c. Another set and we can hit the showers!
d. Nice Ass, are you a Sagittarius?
27. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing:
both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an
almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
28. Never allow a conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are
able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone; Hang up if
necessary.
29. When a Mate is trying to hook you up, you may sabotage him only in a
manner that gives you no chance of getting laid either.
30. You cannot rat out a co-worker who shows up at work with a massive
hangover. You may however, hide the aspirin, smear his chair with
limburger cheese, turn the brightness dial all the way down so he thinks
his monitor is broken, and have him paged over the loudspeaker every seven
minutes.
31. The morning after you and a babe who was formerly "just a friend" have
carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty
is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big
mistake it was.
49 BOTTLES OF BEER ON THE WALL
Edward sends this with no
comment.
AIN’T MARRIAGE GRAND!
A man
and woman were married for 40 years. When they first got married, his new
wife told the man "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise
never to look in it". In all their 40 years of marriage he honored her
request and never looked.
However on the afternoon of their 40th anniversary curiosity got the best
of him and he cautiously lifted the lid and peeked inside the box. In the
box he found 3 empty beer bottles and $187.25 in small bills. He closed
the box and put it back under the bed. Now that he knew what was in the
box, curiosity was doubled as to why.
That evening they were out for a special dinner at their favorite
restaurant. After dinner the man could no longer contain his curiosity and
confessed, "I am so sorry. For all these years I
kept my promise and never looked. However today the temptation was just
too much. I gave in and looked in the box. But now I need to know why do
you keep the bottles in the box?"
The woman thought for a while and answered "I guess after all these
wonderful years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful
to you I put an empty beer bottle in the box under the bed to remind
myself not to do it again."
The man was stunned and said, "I am very disappointed and saddened but I
guess during those years when I traveled away from home on business
temptation would happen and I guess
that 3 times is not that bad considering the years." They hugged and made
their peace.
A little while later the man asked his wife, "What about all that
money in the box?" To which she answered, "Whenever the box filled with
empties, I cashed them in."
TEACH YOUR CHILDREN WELL
Hugs & Molly offer us a grim
Fairy Tale
DADDY EXPLAINS IT ALL TO US
A little
girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working, and asks him,
"Daddy, what's sex?"
Her father sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees.
He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs. He
goes on to tell her about puberty, menstruation, erections, wet-dreams,
the whole works.
He covers a wide and varied assortment of sub-topics and by the time he's
finished, his daughter is somewhat awestruck with this sudden influx of
bizarre new knowledge.
Her father finally asks: "So what did you want to know about sex for?"
"Oh, mommy said to tell you lunch would be ready in a couple of secs..."
A SATURDAY SURPRISE
Starting tomorrow ASPTL will,
from time to time, offer free MPG downloads of selected tracks. Thanks to
Eric Yeager who gave me an extraordinary present of several hundred of my
recordings converted to MP3 I have quite a supply on hand.
“Soldiers Who Want to be Heroes” is one of the first two tracks I’ve
chosen for downloading. Twenty years ago it topped the charts all over
Europe (after The Gateway Trio’s version had been banned from radio in the
USA in the early 60’s.) This version was recorded at the London Palladium
and first appeared on the “Live in London” set before it was issued as a
single. Who knows it might even have some current relevance.
The second song is a personal favorite, “Love, Let Me Not Hunger.” It was
recorded with The London Philharmonic as part of the “Pastorale” sessions
on November 10th, 1970 in London but another take of the song was included
on the completed album. This version contains the verse which for me sets
up the whole song. I overdubbed the vocal on it 24 years later on
September 6th, 1994 in Hollywood for the “Early Harvest” CD. When
“Pastorale” is finally re-released on disc this track and several
unreleased songs will be included on the 2-disc set.
I hope you like the idea of being able to download songs in the future and
that you’ll approve of my first two choices. Again you have Professor
Yeager to thank for the downloads, he’s been urging me to make them
available for years – while I stayed a bit behind the curve. I’ll be back
tomorrow with the downloads and something else for Saturday. Sleep warm.
RM 10/18/01 Previously
unpublished
THE FINAL
WORD
"My cousin
just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee – the natural enemy of a
tightrope walker." -Dan Rather
Details of Rod's next
appearance can be obtained by following the link below.
"Tap
Your Troubles Away" - the music of Jerry Herman
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