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Edward & Rod: The Brother's McKuen.
Photographed by Diane Kopperman, May 2002 at BB King's New York City
A Thought for Today
Only men of little importance keep others
waiting.
PASS IT
MALONG
When it comes to collecting trash one has to start somewhere. I usually go
to the bottom of my E-mail box where all the creepy, crawly things seem to
linger and lurk.
FAMILY PHOTOS
My conductor Dave sent this along.
PROUD PARENTS
Two Al Qaeda are chatting. One of them has his wallet out and is flipping
through pictures. "Yeah, this is my oldest. He's a martyr.
Here's my second son. He’s a martyr, too."
There's a pause.
The second Al Qaeda says, wistfully, "Ah, they blow up so fast, don't
they?"
NICE TO GO TRAVELING
. . . and from Ann.
FOUND MONEY
George went on a vacation to the Middle East with
most of his family including his mother-in-law. During their vacation and
while they were visiting Jerusalem. George's mother-in-law died.
With the death certificate in hand, George went to the American Consulate
Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the States for proper
burial.
The Consul, after hearing of the death of the mother-in-law told George
that the sending of a body back to the States for burial is very, very
expensive. It could cost as much as $5,000.00.
The Consul continues, in most cases the person responsible for the remains
normally decides to bury the body here. This would only cost $150.00.
George thinks for some time and answers, "I don't care how much it will
cost to send the body back, that's what I want to do."
The Consul, after hearing this says, "You must have loved your
mother-in-law very much considering the difference in price."
"No, it's not that," says George. "You see, I know of a case many years
ago of a person that was buried here in Jerusalem. And on the third day he
arose from the dead!
I just can't take that chance!"
HELPFUL HINTS FROM TESSIE TRAILERTRASH
“These may be too risqué' for you ", writes
Tessie.
Probably Tess, but I’m passin’ them along anyway.
NOT FROM MARTHA
Helpful Hint #1 if you are choking on an ice cube,
don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down your throat and
presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.
Helpful Hint #2 Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by
getting someone else to hold them while you chop away
Helpful Hint #3 Don’t buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary
one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.
Helpful Hint #4 Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl
makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.
Helpful Hint #5 An empty aluminum cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes
a wonderful inexpensive vibrator.
Helpful Hint #6 Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the toilet
seat by simply peeing in the sink.
Helpful Hint #7 High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and
bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
Helpful Hint #8 A mousetrap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will
prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.
[Eight is enough]
TOTE THAT BARGE, LIFT THAT BALE
Jane’s tip on exercise.
THREE WEEKS TO A SLIMMER EWE
For those of us getting on in years and needing a
bit of exercise, I thought I might let you, my friends, in on a little
secret I've found for building my arm and shoulder muscles. You might wish
to adopt this regimen three days a week or so.
I started by standing outside, behind the house, and with a 5-lb. Potato
sack in each hand, extending my arms straight out to my sides and holding
them there as long as I could.
After a few weeks, I moved up to 10-lb. potato sacks, then 50-lb. Potato
sacks, and finally 100-lb. potato sacks.
Finally I got to where I could lift a 100-lb. potato sack in each hand and
hold my arms straight out for more than a full minute.
Next, I started putting a few potatoes in the sacks, but I would caution
you not to overdo it at this level.
AND THE WINNER IS
And finally, this from Jane.
SLOW GUNS
A lady had been married to a farmer all of her life.
They had cows and horses on their farm and also grew a number of crops for
sale at the local farmers market.
While shopping at the local grocery store for a few items that she and her
husband did not raise or grow for themselves, she came across a contest
form while in the store. So she completed their jingle and mailed it off
to the Carnation Milk Company in an effort to win a cash prize which had
been offered for the best entry regarding those little cans of milk found
on grocery shelves. Carnation had furnished the first line of the jingle
with these words,
"I like Carnation best of all ...."
and the submitter had only to complete the remainder of the jingle on
their entry form.
Each contestant could only use 50 words or less. A couple of months later,
the woman was surprised when a Carnation Milk representative came to her
door and told her that her entry was the best one submitted. However it
was unfortunate that the company could not publish it. In lieu of that
latter fact, they had decided that her entry was worth at least a
consolation award and provided her with a company check in the amount of
$1,000 for her creativity. Here is her entry:
I like Carnation best of all,
No tits to pull, no shit to haul.
No barns to clean, no hay to pitch,
Just punch a hole in the son of a bitch.
That bit of colorful language past, we move along. Stop by tomorrow and
see what kind of something waits for you on Saturday.
RM 10/17/2002 2:06 AM PST Previously unpublished.
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(posted 09/28/2002).
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