SENTIMENTAL SATURDAY
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Photograph by Bob Gentry 8/5/99
A Thought for Today
Your tongue will never influence anyone, until you learn to
influence your tongue.
Larry sent me this awhile back with the
following note:
"This is a copy of
a letter that appeared in our local newspaper under the "letters" section a few
weeks ago. I think that you might enjoy reading this and maybe using it on the Flight
Plan. "
I have a strange feeling that I've printed this once, Larry, if so on a truly sentimental
Saturday it bears repeating.
My Friend Bill Is Gone Now . . .
I just found out that a friend on mine died a few weeks ago. I
didn't know until now because he wasn't a friend who visited my home or went places with
me. I don't even know his last name. He was "Bill" and he was what polite people
call a street person. He could be found most days, winter and summer, asking for money in
the Bay Street area.
I first met Bill about ten years ago, and for a while I would just give him some money, he
would thank me, and I would go on my way. He always looked the same, a rough looking man
with layers of clothing and a soft voice. Eventually, I started talking to him and he
would tell me about himself, where he was staying, the problems he was having, etc. It's
not an easy life being an outpatient.
As time went by, I found that I looked forward to seeing him when I went to the Hoito
(restaurant) and if I didn't see him for a while, I would ask some of his friends if they
had seen him.
One day I saw another side of Bill. I heard him calling to me from down the street, and
thinking that he wanted money, I reached into my pocket. As he approached, he said,
"No, no, I want to give you $10. I won $100 with a lottery ticket and I wanted to
give some to you because you've been helping me."
Some people were kind to Bill. A lot weren't. But when someone was mean to him, he would
just walk away and approach someone else. He did ask me one time why people insulted him
and I didn't know what to say. I'm still wondering myself.
People often think that the Bills of the world spend their money on drink or drugs, but
Bill spent his on food. I would see him in a restaurant ordering a hot beef sandwich
"with extra potatoes and gravy" and he looked so happy.
So he's gone now. When another street person told me that he had died, I hoped that he was
wrong, but somehow knew that he wasn't. So I'll never see him again, striding along Bay
Street asking anybody and everybody for "spare change."
I'll miss you Bill, but I'm sure that you'll have a better life with Him than you did with
us.
Nice to have known you!
CALIFORNIA DRIVERS LICENCE
Huffy in Arizona stopped by long enough to
obtain an application for a California drivers license and reports:
"Since driving conditions
(and culture) are unique in LA, you may not have realized that the California Department
of Motor Vehicles has now issued a special application and driver's test solely for the
Los Angeles Metropolitan Area."
Here it is below:
Obtaining A California License . . .
GREATER LOS ANGELES AREA
DRIVER'S LICENSE APPLICATION:
Name: ____________________
Stage name: __________________________
Agent's Name: __________________________
Attorney's Name: _______________________
Actual Age: _____ Admitted Age: _____
Sex: [ ] male [ ] female
[ ] formerly male [ ] formerly female
[ ] both
[ ]
neither
If female, indicate breast implant size: _______
Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely operate a motor vehicle in
any way? Yes [ ] No [ ]
Occupation:
[ ] Lawyer
[ ] Actor/Waiter
[ ] Film-maker/Self-employed
[ ] Writer
[ ] Car Dealer
[ ] Pan-handler
[ ] Agent
[ ] Hooker/Transvestite
[ ] Other; please explain: ___________________________
Please list brand of cell phone: ________________________
(If you don't own a cell phone, please explain.)
Please check hair color:
Females: [ ] Blonde [ ] Platinum Blonde
Teenagers: [ ] Purple [ ] Blue [ ] Skin-head
Men: Please list shade of hair plugs ________________
Please indicate if you have Automobile Insurance:
[ ] Yes [ ] No
If yes, please explain:_____________________________
Please check activities you perform while driving (Check all that apply):
[ ] Eating a wrap
[ ] Applying make-up
[ ] Talking on the phone
[ ] Slapping kids in the back seat
[ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs
[ ] Tanning
[X] Snorting cocaine (already checked for ease of application)
[ ] Watching TV
[ ] Reading Variety
[ ] Surfing the net via laptop
[ ] Reading a book or other Newspaper
Please indicate how many times:
a) you expect to shoot at other drivers, _____
b) how many times you expect to be shot at while driving ____.
If you are the victim of a car jacking, you should immediately:
a) [ ] Call the police to report the crime;
b) [ ] Call Channel 4 News to report the crime, then watch your TV;
c) [ ] Call your attorney and discuss lawsuit against cellular phone company for 911 call
not going through;
d) [ ] Call your therapist;
e) [ ] None of the above (South Central residents only).
Please indicate if you drive:
a) [ ] a BMW,
b) [ ] a Lexus,
c) [ ] a Mercedes,
d) [ ] a CHEVROLET.
If your answer is d, please add 6 to 8 weeks to normal delivery time for your driver's
license.
In the event of an earthquake, should you:
a) [ ] stop your car
b) [ ] keep driving and hope for the best,
c) [ ] immediately use your cell phone to call all loved ones, or
d) [ ] pull out your video camera and obtain footage for Channel 4?
In the instance of rain, you should:
a) [ ] never drive over 5 MPH,
b) [ ] drive twice as fast as usual, or
c) [ ] you're not sure what "rain" is.
Please indicate number of therapy sessions per week: ____.
Are you presently taking any of the following medications?
(Check all that apply.)
a) [ ] Prozac;
b) [ ] Zovirax;
c) [ ] Lithium;
d) [ ] Zanax.
If none, please explain: __________________.
Length of daily commute:
a) [ ] 1 hour;
b) [ ] 2 hours;
c) [ ] 3 hours;
d) [ ] 4 hours or more.
If under 1 hour, please explain:____________________
When stopped by police, should you
a) [ ] pull over and have your driver's license and insurance form ready,
b) [ ] try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the 405,
c) [ ] have video camera ready and provoke them to attack,
thus ensuring yourself of a hefty lawsuit?
HI HO THE DERRY O, A GROANING WE WILL GO
Nicky Williams provides us with this weekend's 'Senior Groaners.'
Is It Behind Door One, Door Two or Door Three? . . .
After a terrible car accident, a man awoke to find himself in a
hospital, surrounded by a group of doctors who informed him that his penis has been
amputated and that they'd have to replace it with a prosthetic. They assured him that all
of his functions would be normal and that he wouldn't be able to tell the difference.
Finally, one doctor concluded, "We can give you a small-sized penis for $2,000, a
medium-sized one for $5,000, or an extra-large one for $10,000. I realize that's a lot of
money, so take your time and talk it over with your wife."
When the doctor came back into the room he found the man staring sadly at the floor.
"We've decided," the man told him as he choked back tears. "My wife says
she'd rather have a new kitchen."
Welcome To The Nursing Home . . .
One evening a family brings their
frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for.
The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair
at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.
She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two
attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems
OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once
more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning. Later the family arrives to see how
the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating
you all right?" they ask.
"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart."
GET OUT OF TOWN
Finally this came from Bill Learning a few days ago:
"I was feeling pretty
down yesterday and this showed up in my e-mailbox .. no address and no author ... Kind of
ironic isn't it sometimes how things work out?"
It sure is Bill, 'a lesson' often arrives when
we need it most.
Leaving the City of Regret . . .
I had not really planned on taking a trip this time of year, and yet
I found myself packing rather hurriedly. This trip was going to be unpleasant and I knew
in advance that no real good would come of it. I'm talking about my annual "Guilt
Trip."
I got tickets to fly there on "WISHIHAD" airlines. It was an extremely short
flight. I got my baggage, which I could not check. I chose to carry it myself all the way.
It was weighted down with a thousand memories of what might have been. No one greeted me
as I entered the terminal to the Regret City International Airport. I say international
because people from all over the world come to this dismal town.
As I checked into the Last Resort Hotel, I noticed that they would be hosting the year's
most important event, the Annual Pity Party. I wasn't going to miss that great social
occasion. Many of the towns leading citizens would be there.
First, there would be the Done family, you know, Should Have, Would Have and Could Have.
Then came the I Had family. You probably know ol' Wish, What If, and his clan. Of course,
the Opportunities would be there, present, missed and lost. The biggest family would be
the yesterday's. There are far too many of them to count, but each one would have a very
sad story to share.
Then Shattered Dreams would surely make and appearance as he always does. Then It's Their
Fault would regale us with stories (excuses) about how things had failed in his life, and
each story would be loudly applauded by Don't Blame Me and I Couldn't Help It.
Well, to make a long story short, I went to this depressing party knowing that there would
be no real benefit in doing so. And, as usual, I became very depressed. But as I thought
about all of the stories of failures brought back from the past, it occurred to me that
all of this trip and subsequent "pity party" could be canceled by ME! I started
to truly realize that I did not have to be there. I went of my own accord, I didn't have
to be depressed.
One thing kept going through my mind, I CAN'T CHANGE YESTERDAY, BUT I DO HAVE THE POWER TO
MAKE TODAY A WONDERFUL DAY. I can be happy, joyous, fulfilled, encouraged, as well as
encouraging. Knowing this, I left the City of Regret immediately and left no forwarding
address. Am I sorry for mistakes I've made in the past? YES! But there is no physical way
to undo them.
So, if you're planning a trip back to the City of Regret as I did, please cancel all your
reservations now. Instead, take a trip to a place called, Starting Again. I liked it here
so much that I have now taken up permanent residence. My neighbors, the I Forgive Myselfs
and the New Starts and the Try Agains are so very helpful and patient. By the way, you
don't have to carry around heavy baggage, because the load is lifted from your shoulders
upon arrival. God bless you in finding this great town. If you can find it - it's in your
own heart -- please look me up. I live on the intersection of ICANDOIT and WECANDOIT
streets.
It really is valuable to occasionally remind ourselves, that we own all of our tomorrows
and it's up to us the way we use them. See you tomorrow with "Some of The Best,"
meanwhile Sleep warm.
- RM 9/16/99 Previously unpublished. |
