Photograph by Bob Gentry 8/5/99
A Thought for Today
Without belief in God, it is more difficult for us to
believe in ourselves.
To all our friends in harm's way because of
Hurricane Floyd, your family at Stanyan sends you love and you have our best thoughts and
prayers. Hang in there. Take care of each other and please don't forget about your
animals.
DEEP THOUGHTS
I've noticed over the past several months our St. Huffy of Arizona has been turning her
thoughts more and more to philosophical musing. As an example:
Never raise your hands
to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected & Other Deep Thoughts . . .
I'm not into working
out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
I am in shape. Round's a shape...
I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you?
But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.
Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster
than you is a maniac.
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles a daywhen she was 60.
She's 97 today and we don't know where she is.
The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in
otherwise.
Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing a bank robbery has just
taken place.
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure
no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some
form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.
Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I
think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your
biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a
beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I only have
photographs of her.
A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. You know a cow was
murdered for that jacket'? She sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know
there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too.'
Future historians will be able to study at the Gerald Ford Library; the Jimmy Carter
Library; the Ronald Reagan Library and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.
THERE IS NO KIDNEY RING
Jennie from Lawrence Kansas says:
"Hi Rod, A friend
sent this to me today and it sounded perfect for the Friday section. This should be
required reading to get an e-mail account. Whoever decided to create this note and forward
it on should receive some type of Humanitarian Award. It would be hopeful, yet doubtful,
that this will clean up some of the junk that comes across the net."
Think about it . . .
1. Big companies don't do business via
chain letter. Bill Gates is not giving you $1000, and Disney is not giving you a free
vacation. There is no baby food company issuing class-action checks. MTV will not give you
backstage passes if you forward something to the most people. You can relax; there is no
need to pass it on "just in case it's true". Furthermore, just because someone
said in the message, four generations back, that "we checked it out and it's
legit", does not actually make it true.
2. There is no kidney theft ring in New Orleans. No one is waking up in a bathtub full of
ice, even if a friend of a friend swears it happened to their cousin. If you are hell-bent
on believing the kidney-theft ring stories, please see: http://urbanlegends.tqn.com/library/weekly/aa062997.htm
And I quote: "The
National Kidney Foundation has repeatedly issued requests for actual victims of organ
thieves to come forward and tell their stories. None have. That's "none" as in
"zero". Not even your friend's cousin.
3. Neiman Marcus doesn't really sell a $200 cookie recipe. And even if they do, we all
have it. And even if you don't, you can get a copy at:
http://www.bl.net/forwards/cookie.html
Then, if you make the recipe,
decide the cookies are that awesome, feel free to pass the recipe on (without the fake
story please).
4. If the latest NASA rocket disaster(s) DID contain plutonium that went to particulate
over the eastern seaboard, do you REALLY think this information would reach the public via
an AOL chain letter?
5. There is no "Good Times" virus. In fact, you should never, ever, ever forward
any email containing any virus warning unless you first confirm it through an actual site
of an actual company that actually deals with Viruses. Try: http://www.norton.com/ And even then, don't forward it.
We don't care. And you cannot get a virus from a flashing IM or email, you have to
download it....ya know, like, a FILE!
6. If your cc: list is regularly longer than the actual content of your message, you
probably already have it stored in your old 8088, Franklin, or Adam computer.
7. If you're using Outlook, IE, or Netscape to write email, please turn off the "HTML
encoding." Those of us on Unix shells can't read it, and don't care enough to save
the attachment and then view it with a web browser, since you're probably forwarding us a
copy of the Neiman Marcus Cookie Recipe anyway.
8. If you still absolutely MUST forward that 10th-generation message from a friend, at
least have the decency to trim the eight miles of headers showing everyone else who's
received it over the last 6 months. It sure wouldn't hurt to get rid of all the "
" or >> that begin each line. Besides, if it has gone around that many times
we've probably already seen it anyway. (Note to me.)
9. Craig Shergold (or Sherwood, or Sherman, etc.) in England is not dying of cancer or
anything else at this time and would like everyone to stop sending him their business
cards. He apparently is also no longer a "little boy" either.
10. The "Make a Wish" foundation is a real organization doing fine work, but
they have had to establish a special toll free hot line in response to the large number of
Internet hoaxes using their good name and reputation. It is distracting them from the
important work they do.
11. If you are one of those insufferable idiots who forwards anything that promises
"something bad will happen if you don't", too late, you're a lost cause already!
12. Women really are suffering in Afghanistan, and PBS and NEA funding are still
vulnerable to attack (although not at the present time) but forwarding an e-mail won't
help either cause in the least. If you want to help, contact your local legislative
representative, or get in touch with Amnesty International or the Red Cross. As a general
rule, e-mail "signatures" are easily faked and mean nothing to anyone with any
power to do anything about whatever the competition is complaining about. (P. S. There is
no bill pending before Congress that will allow long distance companies to charge you for
long distance when using the Internet.)
13. The CEO Proctor & Gamble has NEVER been a guest on any of the TV talk shows to
proclaim P&G's allegiance to Satan...even Sally Jesse's (see for yourself at: http://www.sallyjr.com/faq.html ).All the
disclaimers to this fact are posted on the various shows web sites. This is one of the
longest running hoaxes anywhere...way before email was ever known by most people. (For a
complete list of the info, ref: http://www.pg.com/rumor/
P&G is NOT a satanic organization, although I'm sure Satan sure is smiling over all
the prolific emails that says it is and probably says thanks to all the 'lost souls' who
pass this garbage on! Bottom Line...composing e-mail or posting something on the Net is as
easy as writing on the walls of a public restroom. Don't automatically believe it until
it's proven false, ASSUME it's false, and unless there is proof that it's true. Got it?
Good! Enjoy this wonderful 'tool' we have available to us and use it wisely, please think
before clicking!
Now, forward this message to ten friends and you will win the Publishers Clearing House
sweepstakes....I SWEAR!
IT'S A DOGS LIFE
Cats don't have much to remember and if they did they'd forget it on principle, but as
Gloria writes "Dogs have a lot to think about".
Things Dogs Must
Remember . . .
I will not play tug-of-war
with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
The garbage collector is NOT
stealing our stuff.
I will not suddenly stand
straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
I will not roll my toys behind
the fridge.
I must shake the rainwater out
of my fur BEFORE entering the house.
I will not eat the cats' food,
before, during or after they eat it. (Oh, right!)
I will stop trying to find the
few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to throw up.
I will not throw up in the
car.
I will not roll on dead
seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.
I will not lick my human's
face after eating animal poop.
"Kitty box crunches"
are not food. (Also know as Kitty Roca)
The diaper pail is not a
cookie jar.
I will not wake Mommy up by
sticking my cold, wet nose up her bottom end.
I will not chew my human's
toothbrush and not tell them.
I will not chew crayons or
pens, especially not the red ones, or my family will think I am hemorrhaging.
When in the car, I will not
insist on having the window rolled down when it is raining outside.
We do not have a doorbell. I
will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
I will not steal Mom's
underwear and dance all over the backyard with it.
The sofa is not a face towel.
Neither are Mom & Dad's laps.
My head does not belong in the
refrigerator.
I will not bite the officer's
hand when he reaches for Mom's driver's license and car registration.
Not that dogs bother to remember most of these things, however.
MINUMUM MAXIMS
Huffy wants us to wake up and cast the net. Much obliged, here's a list of her......
Maxims For The
Internet Age . . .
1. Home is where you are @
2. The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
4. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.
5. Great groups from little icons grow.
6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
7. C:\ is the root of all directories.
8. Don't put all your hypes in one home page.
9. Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.
10. The modem is the message.
11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.
12. The geek shall inherit the earth.
13. A chat has nine lives.
14. Don't byte off more than you can view.
15. Fax is stranger than fiction.
16. What boots up must come down.
17. Windows will never cease.
18. In Gates we trust.
19. Virtual reality is its own reward.
20. Modulation in all things.
21. A user and his leisure time are soon parted.
22. There's no place like http://www.home.com
23. Know what to expect before you connect.
24. Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice.
25. Speed thrills.
26. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't
bother you for weeks.
AMATURS BUILT THE ARK
I like these observations from Wes a lot. "Never be afraid to try something new.
Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic." And there's more.
Conscience is what hurts when
everything else feels so good.
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
Stupidity got us into this mess - why can't it get us out?
Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.
Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit
there.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly
and for the same reason. An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A
pessimist fears that this is true.
There is always death and taxes; however death doesn't get worse every year.
People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin
said it first.
It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.
I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path.
Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
Indecision is the key to flexibility.
It hurts to be on the cutting edge.
If it ain't broke, fix it till it is.
I don't get even, I get odder.
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
I'm not fat; I'm a nutritional overachiever.
My inferiority complex is not as good as yours is.
I am having an out of money experience.
I plan on living forever. So far, so good.
I am in shape. Round is a shape.
Not afraid of heights - afraid of widths.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
A day without sunshine is like ........................... night.
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.
I'm not a perfectionist but my parents were.
Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but
eventually you find a hair stylist you like.
You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got
from a roller coaster.
One of life's mysteries. How does a two pound box of candy can make a person gain five
pounds.
It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the
questions.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but
also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
Age doesn't always bring wisdom, Sometimes age comes alone.
Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.
You don't stop laughing when you grow old, you grow old when you stop laughing.
BUMMER STICKERS
This weeks Bummer Stickers come courtesy of Coral.
Are these your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage . . .
Make yourself at home
.....clean my kitchen
Allow me to introduce my selves
Better living through denial
I'm just working here until a good fast food job opens up....
You are just jealous that the voices only talk to me.
I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing
Chaos. Panic. Disorder. My work here is done
Too many freaks not enough circuses
Ambivalent? Well yes and no....
Thanks to all who gave good fodder for today's Pass It Along. Our 'kindly provider' warns
that this weekend there may be some down time because they are physically moving their
equipment. Lets hope this new building has indoor plumbing. Still, as Ken reminds me, it
is nice to be warned in advance. See you tomorrow for A Sentimental Saturday (or, if not
tomorrow, some day in the archives.) Meanwhile be nice to someone you like and especially
nice to someone you think may not like you. Sleep warm.
- RM 9/16/99 Previously unpublished. |
