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Photo by Dan Chapman ©2001 Stanyan
Entertainment Group
A Thought for Today
Our language is our home.
Like many of the rest of you
I’m cutting work early today to stand in line at the local theatre (in my
case Mann’s Chinese) for one of the first showings of “Harry Potter.”
Before leaving I promise you that today’s ‘end of the week stuff’ will
inspire more than a few grins.
JUST ANOTHER LEPRECHAUN
Rose is going through her
Irish Period.
FORE! NO, MAKE THAT THREE
A man
had just finished a putt and reached in the hole to get his ball, but
pulled out a leprechaun!
"Sure, and ye have me," cried the leprechaun. "And if you let
me go, for yer tribble, I'll give ye three wishes!"
"Thank you," said the man. "I don't really need anything, so I'll pass on
the wishes." He let the leprechaun go, and went off to finish his game.
The leprechaun was dumbfounded. Who had ever heard of such a thing? He sat
on a pebble and thought to himself "Such a man as that deserves three
wishes! I'll give 'em to 'im in spite of 'imself! Now what should he wish
for?
Why money,of course! Everyone wants money. So, for his first
wish he wants to be a millionaire! And second -- let's make him a great
golfer! And last -- ah! Let him have a wonderful sex
life.
A month went by and the leprechaun spotted the man playing on the course
again. He jumped out of a hole and yelled up to the man "How ye be doing?"
The man smiled and said "Hello, little friend. I be doing just
fine."
The leprechaun smiled back and said "And how's your money
situation, if you don't mind my askin'?"
"It's funny you should ask," replied the man. "An uncle of mine passed
away and left me a fortune!"
"Hah! Is that so? And how's yer golf game now?"
"It's an amazing thing," said the man. "For the past few weeks
I can't do worse than two under par!"
"Sure, and that's wonderful!" With a sly look, the leprechaun
asked,"And how's yer sex life?"
The man, obviously embarrassed, looked away and coughed,
"Well, it's fine. Two or three times a month."
The leprechaun was aghast. "Two or three times a month? That's horrible!"
The man looked up and said, "Actually, it's not bad for a priest in a
small parish."
AH MEN! AH WOMEN!
Nicky Williams forwards are
always pithy and very often withy, er, witty. This item reminds me of a
lyric Bette Davis once sang in a review called “Two’s Company.” The song,
“Just Like A Man” had lyrics by Ogden Nash and my favorite line from it
is, “The day he went away he left the seat up, I’m too lonesome to put it
down.”
YOU, LADY! USE YOUR OWN RAZOR
The fundamental differences
between men and women
NICKNAMES
If Laura, Suzanne, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each
other Laura, Suzanne, Kate and Sarah. If Mike, Charlie, Dave and John go
out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Sh*t-Head
and Four-eyes.
EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Dave and John will each
throw in £20, even though it's only for £32.50. None of them will have
anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.
A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving
cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from M&S.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man
would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
CATS
Most women love cats.
Most men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bins,
answer the phone, read a book, and get the post.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments
and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and
dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in his house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people
remembering the same thing.
What a woman says: C'mon...This place is a mess. You and I need to clean.
Your pants are on the floor and you'll have no clothes if we don't do the
laundry now.
What a man hears: C'MON . blah, blah, blah YOU AND I blah, blah, blah,
blah, blah ON THE FLOOR blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES blah, blah, blah, NOW
FAMILY LIFE
Jane Hernandez tells this
crafty seasonal tale.
HELLO? HELLO!
A man in
Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says, "I
hate to ruin your day, but I have to
tell you that you mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery
is enough. "
"Pop, what are you talking about? " the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer, " the father says.
"We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call
your sister in Chicago and tell her. "
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like hell
they're getting divorced, " she shouts, "I'll take care of this, " She
calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting
divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my
brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a
thing, DO YOU HEAR ME? " and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay, " he says,
"they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their
own way. "
GROANER OF THE WEEK
“I feel
I should apologize for this one, but it did make me smile,” writes
Ann Martin. You know what, she’s right.
MEANWHILE BACK AT THE TOY FACTORY
A new
employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory. The personnel manager
explains her duties, and tells her to report to work promptly at 8:00 AM.
The next day at 8:45 AM, there's a knock at the personnel manager's door.
The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new
employee. He says she's incredibly slow, and the whole line is backing up.
The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor to show
him the problem.
Sure enough, Elmos are backed up all over the place. At the end of the
line is the new employee. She has a roll of the material used for the
Elmos and a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece
of fabric, wraps it around two marbles, and
starts sewing the little package between Elmo's legs.
The personnel manager starts laughing hysterically.
After several minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman,
and says, "I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is
to give Elmo two test tickles."
BUTTONS & BOWS
Rose is already starting to
decorate her holiday packages . . . and what packages!
WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO “JUST ROLL OVER?”
A couple
has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the Wife goes to
the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon
around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring.
"Yeah right!" she says.
A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring as usual. The
wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to
the closet and grabs a piece of ribbon And ties it carefully around the
dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed!
Later that night, her husband returns home DRUNK from being out with his
buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring loudly.
The woman thinks maybe the ribbon will work on him. So, she troops off to
the closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and ties it around her
husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps
soundly.
Some time during the night the man wakes from a drunken stupor and
stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he
glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon
attached to his privates. He is very confused, and as he walks back into
the bedroom, he sees a red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.
He shakes his head and looks at the dog and says, "I don't know where we
were or what we did, but, by God, we got first and second place!"
I’ll be back tomorrow with something for Saturday, meanwhile
Sleep warm.
RM 11/16/01 Previously
unpublished
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