SENTIMENTAL SATURDAY |
|
Photograph by Bob Gentry 8/5/99
A Thought for Today
The calm that comes of ones own making is the most
delicious of all treats.
We take it easy around here on Saturdays,
nothing very serious.
JESUS WAS NEW AGE
Our chief theologian in Arizona, St. Huffy, thinks Jesus was Irish, or Italian, but has
definite proof he was Black.
I Wish She Could Make Up Her Mind. . .
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS JEWISH
He went into his father's business
He lived at home until he was 33
He was sure his mother was a virgin and his mother was sure he was God.
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS IRISH
He never got married
He was always telling stories
He loved green pastures
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS PUERTO RICAN
His first name was Jesus
He was bilingual
He was always being harassed by authorities
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS ITALIAN
He talked with his hands
He had wine with every meal
He worked in the building trades.
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS BLACK
He called everybody "brother."
He liked Gospel
He couldn't get a fair trial
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A CALIFORNIAN
He never cut his hair.
He walked around barefoot
He started a new religion
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A WOMAN
He had to feed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
He kept trying to get the message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
Even when he was dead, he had to get up because there was more work for him to do.
WHY? HOW? WHAT?
After you read the list of questions Wes sent me, you'll be so glad you weren't his mom or
dad when he was growing up.
Hello, I Must Be Going . . .
If corn oil comes from corn, what does baby oil come from?
How did a fool and his money get together?
How do they get a deer to cross at those yellow road signs?
What's another word for thesaurus?
Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injection?
Why is abbreviation such a long word?
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
When you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream containers?
What do they use to ship Styrofoam?
Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?
If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can
be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboy deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked
and dry cleaners depressed?
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an Algebra?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
How do I set my laser printer on "stun"?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
If all the world is a stage, where the hell is the audience sitting?
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
If you're born again, do you have two belly-buttons?
If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Is a castrated pig disgruntled?
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of the song?
What happens when none of your bees wax?
If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane
crash why isn't the whole airplane made out of the stuff?
If most car accidents happen within five miles of home, why doesn't everyone just move ten
miles away?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they still working?
If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
And whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "S" in it?
Why do you read stuff like this when there are no answers?
SEX 101
This comes from Nicky and I like it.
Go Ask Dad . . .
A little girl ran out to the backyard where her father was working,
and asked him: "Daddy, what's sex?"
Like a good father, he sat her down, and told her all about the birds and the bees. He
told her about conception, contraception, sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs etc...
He also told her about puberty, menstruation, erections, and wet
dreams.... His daughter was somewhat awe struck with this sudden influx of bizarre new
knowledge. Noticing her puzzled look, he asked her: "So what did you want to know
about sex for?"
His little daughter replied, :"Oh, mummy said lunch would be ready in a couple of
secs..."
This parable comes from Raymond
A young boy had just got his driver's permit and inquired of his
father, an evangelist, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to
the study and said to the boy, "I'll make a deal with you, son. You bring your grades
up from a C to a B-average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut and we'll
talk about the car."
Well, the boy thought about that for a moment and decided that he'd best settle for the
offer, and they agreed. After about six weeks the boy came back and again asked his father
about the car.
Again, they went to the study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of
you. You've brought your grades up, and I've observed that you've been studying your Bible
and participating a lot more in the Bible study class on Sunday morning. But I'm real
disappointed since you haven't got your hair cut.
The young man paused a moment and then said, "You know dad, I've been thinking about
that and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that. Samson had long hair, Moses had
long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, and there's even strong argument that Jesus
himself had long hair."
To which his father replied, "You're right, son. Did you also notice that they all
WALKED everywhere they went?"
LAND OF POLUTED LAKES
Bablaca thinks if states were a little more honest these might be their mottos.
See Utah And Die . . .
Alabama:
Yes, we have electricity
Arizona:
But It's a Dry Heat
Arkansas:
Litterasy Ain't Everthing
California:
As Seen on TV
Colorado:
Ten Months of Snow and two months of Eden
(with bumper to bumper traffic)
Connecticut:
Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character
Delaware:
We Really Do Like the Chemicals in our Water!
Florida:
Where you will probably be born Hispanic, but will die Jewish
Georgia:
We Put the "Fun" in Fundamentalist Extremism
Hawaii:
Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru
(Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)
Idaho:
Potatoes and NeoNazi's ... What More Could You Ask For?
Illinois:
Please Don't Pronounce the "S"
Indiana:
2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free!
Iowa:
We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas:
Where Science Don't Mean Shit
Kentucky:
Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana:
We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos,
But That's Our Tourism Campaign
Maine:
We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland:
A Thinking Man's Delaware
Massachusetts:
Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's
Michigan:
The UAW, Dutch protestants, and more rednecks than Tennessee
Minnesota:
10,000 Lakes and 10,000,000,000,000,000,000,001 Mosquitoes
Mississippi:
Come Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri:
We'll Show You Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work
Montana:
Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies, and Very Little Else
Nebraska:
Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada:
Whores and Poker! Poker and Whores! There are multiple ways to shoot your wad.
New Hampshire:
Go Away and Leave Us Alone!
New Jersey:
You Want a ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!
New Mexico:
Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New York:
Visit us and apply to be a Senator! No waiting necessary.
North Carolina:
Tobacco is a Vegetable
North Dakota:
We Really are One of the 50 States!
Ohio:
At Least We're Not Michigan...
Oklahoma:
Like the Play, only No Singing
Oregon:
Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania:
Come visit and see if you can actually find Happy Valley.
Rhode Island:
We're Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina:
Remember the Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender
South Dakota:
We'll leave the light on for you.
Tennessee:
The Educashun State (No monkeying around in our schools!)
Texas:
Si' Yo Hablo Ingles (Yes, I speak English)
Utah:
Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont:
Yep
Virginia:
Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington:
Help! We're Overrun By Nerds and Slackers!
Washington, D.C.:
Wanna Be Mayor?
West Virginia:
One Big Happy family really!
Wisconsin:
Come Cut Our Cheese
Wyoming:
Where men are men and sheep are scared
THE BOOK OF WOOF
"Dear Rod, Knowing how much you love animals, I had to pass
this email along to you. I don't know where it originated from, but I know my own
"Sammi" tries to teach me these things daily., Kathy"
If A Dog Were Your Teacher . . .
You would learn stuff like.....
When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.
Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
When it's in your best interest -- practice obedience.
Let others know when they've invaded your territory.
Take naps and stretch before rising.
Run, romp, and play daily.
Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
Avoid biting, when a simple growl will do.
On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.
On hot days, drink lots of water and lay under a shady tree.
When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout... run right
back and make friends.
Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough.
Be loyal.
Never pretend to be something you're not.
If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.
AND FINALLY
Wes sent this along, "I'm not sure where it came from but here it is."
The Song Is Love . . .
If you look at the Holy Text of any given faith in its entirety, and
not in bits and pieces as many do, these texts can be expressed in one word LOVE!
The Catholic church I attended as a girl had 3 words over its altar - "God is
love." Would that we could all remember this when dealing with our Scouts, and love
them for who they are, not for what they believe! The Old Goat
Thanks to all of the nice people for their contributions today. See you tomorrow for our
weekly request, "Some of the Best." Meanwhile have a safe and sane Saturday
night. If you go out partying, don't forget to take along a designated driver who likes
gingerale or Mountain Dew. As their chief groupie, I'm off to Fullerton to see and hear
Moisture. Sleep warm and wake up smiling.
- RM 10/15/99 Previously unpublished |
