SATURDAY
STUFF |
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Rod & Sunny: Photo by Bob Gentry
8/5/1999
A Thought for Today
It's easy to be faithful. When indiscretion rears its head just remind yourself how lucky you are to be loved and to have someone willing to put up with you.
Yes we have stuff, and here's some of it.
THINGS GO BETTER WITH
Sharon A. Sewell says, "Why do people send this when they KNOW you love a product!"
THANKS, BUT I THINK I'LL HAVE A MOUNTAIN DEW
1. In many states the highway patrol carries two gallons of Coke in the trunk to remove blood from the highway after a car accident.
2. You can put a T-bone steak in a bowl of coke and it will be gone in two days.
3. To clean a toilet: Pour a can of Coca-Cola into the toilet bowl. Let the "real thing" sit for one hour, then flush clean.
4. The citric acid in Coke removes stains from vitreous china.
5. To remove rust spots from chrome car bumpers: Rub the bumper with a crumpled-up piece of Reynolds Wrap aluminum foil dipped in Coca-Cola.
6. To clean corrosion from car battery terminals: Pour a can of Coca-Cola over the terminals to bubble away the corrosion.
7. To loosen a rusted bolt: Applying a cloth soaked in Coca-Cola to the rusted bolt for several minutes.
8. To bake a moist ham: Empty a can of Coca-Cola into the baking pan, wrap the ham in aluminum foil, and bake. Thirty minutes before the ham is finished, remove the foil, allowing the drippings to mix with the Coke for sumptuous brown gravy.
9. To remove grease from clothes: Empty a can of coke into a load of greasy clothes, add detergent, and run through a regular wash cycle. The Coca-Cola will help loosen grease stains. It will also clean road haze from your windshield.
The active ingredient in Coke is phosphoric acid. Its pH is 2.8. It will dissolve a nail in about 4 days.
To carry Coca Cola syrup (the concentrate) the commercial truck must use the Hazardous material place cards reserved for Highly Corrosive
materials. The distributors of coke have been using it to clean the engines of their trucks for about 20 years!
Drink up!
Hmmm. No wonder the formula has remained secret all these years.
MORE KID STUFF
This contains the balance of last weeks list sent in by Scoutmaster Wes.
IF YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND LIFE ASK THE KIDS
A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." His son then asked, "What happened to the flea?"
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A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, "There were 2 boy kittens and 2 girl kittens." How did you know?" his mother asked. "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."
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Another three-year-old put his shoes on by himself. His mother noticed that the left shoe was on the right foot. She said, "Son, your shoes are on the wrong feet. "He looked up at her with a raised brow and said, "Don't kid me, Mom. They're the only feet I got!."
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On the first day of school, about mid-morning, the kindergarten teacher said, "If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers." A little voice from the back of the room asked, "How will that help?"
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A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table.
"What are you doing?" his mother asked. "The box says not to eat them if the seal is broken" the boy explained. "I'm looking for the seal."
AM I SPEAKING TO THE PERSON I'M TALKING TO?
"I think I've been there," Coral
WHILE YOU'RE ON HOLD MAY WE PLAY YOU SOME SOOTHING MUSIC BY YANI?
A transcript of the new answering service recently installed at the mental health institute...
"Hello and welcome to the mental health hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependant, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5 & 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press no-one will answer.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.
If you are dyslexic, press 969696969696969.
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.
If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9
.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self esteem. Please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you."
A FEW MINUTES WITH ANDY ROONEY
Scoutmaster Wes provided this list of uncommon common sense.
ANDY'S APHORISMS
I've learned...that the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.
I've learned...that when you're in love, it shows.
I've learned...that just one person saying to me, "You've made my day!" makes my day.
I've learned...that having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of the most peaceful feelings in the world.
I've learned...that being kind is more important than being right.
I've learned...that you should never say no to a gift from a child.
I've learned...that no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with.
I've learned...that sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to understand.
I've learned...that simple walks with my father around the block on summer nights when I was a child did wonders for me as an adult.
I've learned...that life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
I've learned...that we should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask for.
I've learned...that money doesn't buy class.
I've learned...that it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.
I've learned...that under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.
I've learned...that to ignore the facts does not change the facts.
I've learned...that when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you.
I've learned...that love, not time, heals all wounds.
I've learned...that the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am.
I've learned...that everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.
I've learned...that there's nothing sweeter than sleeping with your babies and feeling their breath on your cheeks.
I've learned...that no one is perfect until you fall in love with them.
I've learned...that life is tough, but I'm tougher.
I've learned...that opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss.
I've learned...that when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.
I've learned...that I wish I could have told my mom that I love her one more time before she passed away.
I've learned...that one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them.
I've learned...that a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.
I've learned...that I can't choose how I feel, but I can choose what I do about it.
I've learned...that when your newly born niece or nephew holds your little finger in their little fist, that you're hooked for life.
I've learned...that everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it.
I've learned...that it is best to give advice in only two circumstances; when it is requested and when it is a
life- threatening situation.
I've learned...that the less time I have to work with, the more things I get done.
© Copyright 1997 by Andy Rooney
TODAY'S OBLIGATORY BLONDE ENTRY
Coral says, "This is Clear Cute AND Clean! (That's a change) Just like me... and I'm a blonde!"
HOW BLONDES NAP, ER, KIDNAP
A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."
She then wrote a note saying: "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde."
The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree.
The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do such a terrible thing to a fellow Blonde?"
Tomorrow, being Sunday, it's time once again for "Some of the Best."
RM 10/11/2000 Previously unpublished
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