PASS IT
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Photograph by Bob Gentry 8/5/99
A Thought for Today
April doesn't give an inch to anybody.
PHYLLIS DILLER
I've Known Phyllis since 1950 when we both worked at radio station KROW in Oakland, CA together. A few weeks ago I sat down with a camera crew from A&E to give some observations on her career. Have no idea how much or if any of my interview will survive the documentary being presented on A&E tonight. No matter. The important thing is that you tune in tonight to witness a testament to the remarkable career of this marvelous woman. Please try to make it or set your VCR's. It's on at 8:PM with a repeat at midnight.
Some of today's spring-cleaning produced a seemingly naughty item or two that turn out to be funny instead of fuzzy.
IF IT WORKS FOR YOU WILL IT WORK FOR ME?
This is cute and was sent in by Storm. "My daughter sent it to me," she exclaimed.
THE LOVE DRESS
The mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently married couple's house. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house. She saw her daughter-in law standing naked by the door.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work." The daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress" the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"My husband loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy. I would appreciate it if you would leave because he will be home from work any minute."
The mother-in-law was tired of all this romantic talk and left. On the way home she thought about the love dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and waited by the front door. Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her standing naked by the door.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress" she replied.
"Needs ironing!" he said.
YOU KNOW YOU'VE BEEN ON LINE TOO LONG WHEN
Roseoeire writes: "These are a little different from the ones you printed last week.
"I'll BE RIGHT THERE, DEAR, I'M JUST DOING A BACK UP"
You know you've been on-line too long when...
* You start introducing yourself as "Jim at aol.com."
* Your wife drapes a wig over the monitor to remind you of what she looks like.
* You check your mail. It says "no new messages" so you check it again.
* You name your children Eudora, Mozzilla, and Dotcom.
* All of your friends have an @ in their names.
* You tell the cab driver you live at http://123. Elm. Street/ house/ bluetrim.html
* You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy / Mommy's got work to do."
* You get a tattoo that says, "This body best viewed with Internet
Explorer 5.0."
* You ask the plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of the computer with a toilet.
* You start tilting your head sideways whenever you smile. :-)
* As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the "back" button.
COME ON DOWN!
Kyletta provided this one that even Bob Barker might enjoy.
DOOR #1 OR DOOR #2
A doctor died and went to hell. He was met at the gate and asked to stand in a room and wait for Satan. After 4 hours Satan finally appeared. The doctor was incensed. Poking his watch he said, "How could you keep me waiting so long! I am an important man! I'm a doctor."
Satan replied, "Doctors are a dime a dozen here in hell. But I'll tell you what. Since you had to wait so long, I will give you a choice of which part of hell you will spend eternity in." Satan took the doctor down a hall and said, "Here. I'll be back shortly. You can choose between door # 1 and door # 2. I'll be back and you can let me know where you want to be assigned."
The doctor opened door #1. Inside was an Intensive Care Unit. Blood was spurting, alarms were sounding and patients were coding. A man in the corner extubated himself as a woman in the center fell out of bed. The doctor quickly shut the door and said, "My God, I really am in hell. I'd better check door #2."
Behind door #2 was a medical records department. Unfinished charts stretched for miles with notations about delinquent H&P's. Message slips from managed care case managers filled a swimming pool sized bin, all marked urgent. Inside, physicians were dictating as sweat poured off their brows. The doctor shut the door and said, "I don't know which one is worse."
Then he noticed another door off to the side. He opened it and inside was a tidy nurse's station. The nurses were all young and beautiful. They were busily making rounds with doctors and calling to obtain lab and xray results. They poured coffee and served donuts purchased with their own money. One doctor complained of a stiff neck and a nurse rubbed it for him. "Now this is more like it," the doctor thought as he closed the door.
Satan came strolling back down the hall and said, "Well, which have you decided on, Door # 1 or Door # 2?" The doctor replied, "Actually I would like to go behind #
3".
"That's not an option," said Satan.
"But that's what I want!" said the doctor.
Satan replied, "I'm sorry but you can't go in there. That's nurse's hell."
OH MEN, OH WOMEN
I'm not sure I like the way Nicky Williams always seems to nail those of us she terms "The Weaker Sex."
THESURAUS OF MEN
"I'M GOING FISHING"
Translated:* I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."
"IT'S A GUY THING"
Translated:* "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical".
"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Translated:* "Why isn't it already on the table?"
"UH HUH", "SURE, HONEY", OR "YES, DEAR"
Translated:* Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Translated:* "I have no idea how it works."
"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND." Translated:* "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."
"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD".
Translated:* "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Translated:* "Are you still talking?"
"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Translated:* "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, ...
but I forgot your birthday."
"I WAS THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES".
Translated:* "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."
"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Translated:* "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."
"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING".
Translated:* "And I sure hope I think of some pretty>> soon."
"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Translated:* "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Translated:* "What did you catch me at?"
"I HEARD YOU."
Translated:* "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am desperately hoping that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
Translated:* "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."
"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
Translated:* "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."
"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Translated:* "No one will ever see us alive again."
"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK."
Translated:* "I make the messes, she cleans them up."
A JOKE FROM EDWARD
This landed in my E-box courtesy of Edward
AT THE DRUGSTORE
A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12, and asks which the young man wants.
'Well,' he said, 'I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's 'the' night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack.'
The young man makes his purchase and leaves. Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree.
He begins the prayer, but continues praying with his head down for several minutes after everyone starts eating. The girl leans over and says, 'You never told me that you were such a religious person.'
He leans over to her and says, 'You never told me that your father is a pharmacist.'
FROM PULPIT TO PEW
This hypnotic item was sent by five or six different sources, so you may have seen it. The first to drop it on my doorstep was Coral.
REPEAT AFTER ME, "YOU ARE GROWING DROWSY . . ."
A local preacher was dissatisfied with the small amount in the collection plates each Sunday. Someone suggested to him that perhaps he might be able to hypnotize the congregation into giving more.
"And just how would I go about doing that?" he asked.
"It is very simple. First you turn off the air conditioner so that the auditorium is warmer than usual. Then you preach in a monotone. Meanwhile, you dangle a watch on a chain and swing it in a slow arc above the lectern and suggest they put 20 dollars in the collection plate."
So the very next Sunday, the reverend did as suggested, and lo and behold the plates were full of 20-dollar bills. Now, the preacher did not want to take advantage of this technique each and every Sunday. So therefore, he waited for a couple of weeks and then tried his mass hypnosis again.
Just as the last of the congregation was becoming mesmerized, the chain on the watch broke and the watch hit the lectern with a loud thud and springs and parts flew everywhere.
"Crap!" exclaimed the pastor.
It took them a week to clean up the church.
A PAGAN AT THE PEARLY GATES
Dave Calhoun passed this along and as far as I'm concerned it's easily . . .
THE JOKE OF THE DAY
A Pagan died and, much to her surprise, found herself at the Pearly Gates facing St. Peter. He walked up to her and said, "Hello, and welcome."
She stared at St. Peter in complete confusion. "Wait a minute," she said. "I was supposed to end up in the Summerlands."
He smiled. "Ah, you must be one of our Pagan sisters. Follow me, please."
Peter gestured for her to follow him down a small path, which went through the gates and down a bit to the left. They walked for a short while, then he stepped back and gestured her forward.
Looking past his hand, she saw the verdant fields and forests of her desired Summerlands. She saw people feasting, dancing, and making merry, exactly as she expected. While shaking her head in wonder, the Pagan happened to glance over to one side and saw a small group of people a short way away from the edge of the Summerlands.
The people in the group were watching the revelers, but not joining them. Instead, they were screaming and weeping piteously.
The Pagan looked at St. Peter. "Who are those people?"
St. Peter replied, "Them? They're fundamentalists. They're a bit surprised to see you all there, so they stand there and carry on like that all day."
"Why? Don't they have better things to do?"
Peter leaned conspiratorially toward her. "They don't really have a choice. They're actually in Hell. God doesn't like being told what He thinks."
FROM WALDO
The good news is Waldo has surfaced again, the bad news is he's up to his old jokes.
FAMILY LIFE
"I'm ashamed of the way we live," a young wife says to her lazy husband who refuses to find a job. "My father pays our rent. My mother buys all of our food. My sister buys our clothes. My aunt bought us a car. I'm just so ashamed."
The husband rolls over on the couch. "And you damn well should be," he agrees. "Those two worthless brothers of yours ain't never give us a cent!"
A REMINDER
Don't forget to tune in tonight to A&E for The Biography of everyone's favorite funny lady Phyllis Diller. It's on at 8:PM with a repeat at Midnight. She's had a fabulous, productive and interesting life, so it's bound to be an hour worth watching.
Thanks to Roseoeire, Kyletta, Nicky, Edward, Coral, Dave and Waldo for today's funny stuff. See you tomorrow with "Sentimental Saturday." Meanwhile, sleep warm and wake up smiling.
RM 4/12/2000 Previously unpublished
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