SENTIMENTAL SATURDAY

Rod & KubbyKat Too: Photo by Bob Gentry 4/26/2000

A Thought for Today

I'll take life over books I can fondle and the fragrance of the flowers I can smell in the garden above those I've been promised in heaven.

SENTIMENTAL SATURDAY

Q. What is the difference between Pass it Along and Sentimental Saturday? 

A. About 24 hours.

A GOOD ONE FROM KEN

Hi Rod, I enjoyed this and thought you might. Blue Skies, Ken.

GRASS

Imagine the conversation The Creator might have with St. Francis about this:

"Frank, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there in the "States"? What happened to the dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect, no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracted butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But all I see are these green rectangles."

"It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers 'weeds' and went to great extent to kill them and replace them with grass."

"Grass? But it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract
butterflies, birds and bees, only grubs and sod worms. It's temperamental with temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?"

"Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn."

"The spring rains and cool weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy."

"Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it --
sometimes twice a week."

"They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?"

"Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags."

"They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?"

"No, sir. Just the opposite. They pay to throw it away."

"Now let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?"

"Yes, sir."

"These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work."

"You aren't going believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it."

"What nonsense! At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. Plus, as they rot, the leaves form compost to enhance the soil. It's a natural circle of life."

"You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and have them hauled away."

"No! What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter and keep the soil moist and loose?"

"After throwing away your leaves, they go out and buy something they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves."

"And where do they get this mulch?"

"They cut down trees and grind them up."

"Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. Saint Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?"

"Dumb and Dumber, Lord. It's a real stupid movie about..."

"Never mind. I think I just heard the whole story."

JOB INTERVIEW

This comes from Nicky who suggests this might not be the way to act during a question and answer period.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE A BLONDE, BUT . . .

A blonde goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer decides to start with the basics.

"So, miss, can you tell me your age, please?"

The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for about 30 seconds before replying, "Ehhhh ..22!"

The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. "And can you tell me your height, please?"

The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces, "Five foot two!"

This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics. "And just to confirm for our records, your name please?"

The blonde bobs her head from side to side for about twenty seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying, "Mandy!"

The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks, "Just out of curiosity, I can understand your counting on your fingers to work out your age, and the measuring tape for your height is obvious, but what were you doing bobbing your head when I asked you your name?"

"Oh that!" replies the blonde, "That's just me running through 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you...'"

ANOTHER ONE FROM NICKY

This finds Nicky in her pastoral mode, she calls it "Cows on the countryside."

DON'T BELIEVE EVERYTHING YOU HEAR

A city man was tooling down a country road when his car sputtered to a complete stop near a field filled with cows. The driver, getting out to see what was the matter, noticed one of the cows looking at him.

"I believe it's your radiator," said the cow.

The man nearly jumped right out of his city slicker britches! He ran to the nearest farmhouse and knocked on the door.

"A cow just gave me advice about my car!" he shouted, waving his arms franticly back toward the field.

The farmer nonchalantly leaned out beyond the doorframe to glance down the field. "The cow with two big black spots on it?" the farmer asked slowly.

"Yes! Yes! That's the one!" the excited man replied.

"Oh Well, that's Ethel," the farmer said, turning back to the man, "Don't pay any attention to her. She doesn't know a thing about cars."

THE ARTIST

This comes from Ellen and is targeted to the husbands who occasionally decide to go the extra mile by doing an occasional good dead around the house.

FRAME UP

John decides to paint the toilet seat one morning while his wife is away. The job done, he headed to the kitchen to raid the refrigerator. 

Mary, his wife, came home sooner than expected, and needing to visit the bathroom, sits down and gets the toilet seat stuck to her rear. In a panic, Mary shouts for John to drive her to the doctor.

She puts on a large overcoat to cover the stuck seat, and off they go. When they get to the doctor's office, John lifts his wife's coat to show their pitiable predicament. John asked, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?"

"Well, yes," the doctor admitted. "But never framed."

ANOTHER TOP 40 LIST

This is from the real Joe Miller Joke Book and was sent in by Mrs. Miller herself

NOT THIS REDNECK

The 40 top things you would NEVER hear a REDNECK say:

40. Oh I just couldn't. Hell, she's only sixteen.
39. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000,Alex.
38. Duct tape won't fix that.
37. Honey, I think we should sell the pickup and buy a family sedan.
36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
35. We don't keep firearms in this house.
34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
33. You can't feed that to the dog.
32. I thought Graceland was tacky.
31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
30. Wrestling's fake.
29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
28. We're vegetarians.
27. Do you think my gut is too big?
26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
25. Honey, we don't need another dog.
24. Who gives a crap who won the Civil War.
23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
21. Spittin is such a nasty habit.
20. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
19. Trim the fat off that steak.
18. Cappuccino tastes better than Espresso.
17. The tires on that truck are too big.
16. I'll have the Arugula and Radicchio salad.
15. I've got it all on the C drive.
14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
13. Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
12. My fiancé, Bobbie Joe, is registered at Tiffany's.
11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
9. Checkmate.
8. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
7. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
6. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
5. I don't have a favorite college team.
4. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
3. You ALL.
2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darlin .

And the #1 thing that you would never hear a Redneck say.......

1. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin tonight

OFF THE BOARDWALK IN ATLANTIC CITY

BurnO333 writes "For anyone who didn't see David Letterman's take on this -- And it's a true story..."

BY THE BUCKETFULS

On a recent weekend in Atlantic City, a woman won a bucketful of quarters at a slot machine. She took a break from the slots for dinner with her husband in the hotel dining room. But first she wanted to stash the quarters in her room. "I'll be right back and we'll go to eat," she told her husband and carried the coin-laden bucket to the elevator. 

As she was about to walk into the elevator she noticed two men already aboard. Both were black. One of them was big.. very big...an intimidating figure. The woman froze. Her first thought was: These two are going to rob me. Her next thought was: Don't be a bigot, they look like perfectly nice gentlemen. 

But racial stereotypes are powerful, and fear immobilized her. She stood and stared at the two men. She felt anxious, flustered and ashamed. She hoped they didn't read her mind --but God, they had to know what she was thinking! Her hesitation about joining them in the elevator was all too obvious now. Her face was flushed. She couldn't just stand there, so with a mighty effort of will she picked up one foot and stepped forward and followed with the other foot and was on the elevator. 

Avoiding eye contact, she turned around stiffly and faced the elevator doors as they closed. A second passed, and then another second, and then another. Her fear increased! The elevator didn't move. Panic consumed her. My God, she thought, I'm trapped and about to be robbed! Her heart plummeted. Perspiration poured from every pore. Then one of the men said, "Hit the floor." 

Instinct told her to do what they told her. The bucket of quarters flew upwards as she threw out her arms and collapsed on the elevator floor. A shower of coins rained down on her. Take my money and spare me, she prayed. More seconds passed. She heard one of the men say politely, "Ma'am, if you'll just tell us what floor you're going to, we'll push the button." The one who said it had a little trouble getting the words out. He was trying mightily to hold in a belly laugh. 

The woman lifted her head and looked up at the two men. They reached down to help her up. Confused, she struggled to her feet. "When told my friend here to hit the floor," said the average-sized one," I meant that he should hit the
elevator button for our floor. I didn't mean for you to hit the floor, ma'am." He spoke genially. He bit his lip. It was obvious he was having a hard time not laughing. 

The woman thought: My God, what a spectacle I've made of myself. She was too humiliated to speak. She wanted to blurt out an apology, but words failed her. How do you apologize to two perfectly respectable gentlemen for behaving as though they were going to rob you? She didn't know what to say. The three of them gathered up the strewn quarters her bucket. 

When the elevator arrived at her floor they insisted on walking her to her room. She seemed a little unsteady on her feet, and they were afraid she might not make it down the corridor. At her door they bid her a good evening. As she slipped into her room she could hear them roaring with laughter as they walked back to the elevator. 

The woman brushed herself off. She pulled herself together and went downstairs for dinner with her husband. The next morning flowers were delivered to her room -- a dozen roses. Attached to EACH rose was a crisp one hundred-dollar bill. 

The card said: "Thanks for the best laugh we've had in years." It was signed,

Eddie Murphy, Michael Jordan

BLESS ME FATHER FOR I HAVE . . .

Lady Brent thinks confession is good for the soul.

ON THE JOB TRAINING

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears several confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand." The new priest tries this. The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, "I see, yes, go on, and I understand, how did you feel about that?"

The new priest says those things, trying them out. The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying, 'No way! What happened next?'"

PARDON ME, DO YOU HAVE SOME GREY POUPON?

Kyletta tells us all about the irate customer as she writes:

"For all of you out there who've had to deal with an irate customer, this one is for you. It's a classic! In a tribute to those 'special' customers we all love!"

GO TO THE HEAD OF THE LINE, PLEASE

An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo...

A crowded United flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"

Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore, "F*** you!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."

HOW'S THAT AGAIN?

Susan writes, "Dear Rod, These are cute; I especially like the drunk. Headline Bloopers."

EXTRA! EXTRA!

GRANDMOTHER OF EIGHT MAKES HOLE IN ONE

TWO CONVICTS EVADE NOOSE; JURY HUNG

DRUNK GETS NINE MONTHS IN VIOLIN CASE

FARMER BILL DIES IN HOUSE

IRAQI HEAD SEEKS ARMS

PROSTITUTES APPEAL TO POPE

ENRAGED COW INJURES FARMER WITH AX

HITLER, NAZI PAPERS FOUND IN ATTIC

2 SISTERS REUNITED AFTER 18 YEARS IN CHECKOUT COUNTER

STUDENTS HEAR REPTILE LECTURE

and my favorite... 

BRITISH LEFT WAFFLES ON FALKLAND ISLANDS

AND SUSAN CONTINUES

AN EXPERT

A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her daughter was very sick with a fever. She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication for her daughter. When returning to her car she found that she had locked her keys in the car. 

She was in a hurry to get home to her sick daughter, she didn't know what to do, so she called her home and told the baby sitter what had happened and that she did not know what to do. The baby sitter told her that her daughter was getting worse. She said, "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door." 

The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been thrown down on the ground possibly by someone else who at some time or other had locked their keys in their car. Then she looked at the hanger and said, "I don't know how to use this." So she bowed her head and asked God to send her some help.

Within five minutes an old rusty car pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head. The woman thought, "Great God. This is what you sent to help me?" But, she was desperate, so she was also very thankful. The man got out of his car and asked her if he could help. 

She said "Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car, I must home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car."

He said, "SURE." He walked over to the car, and in less than one minute the car was opened. She hugged the man and through her tears she said, "THANK YOU SO MUCH..... You are a very nice man." 

The man replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an hour. The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud....."THANK YOU GOD FOR SENDING ME A PROFESSIONAL!"

Join me tomorrow for "Some of the Best." Sleep well tonight.

                       RM 5/13/2000 Previously unpublished

POEM