FRIDAY
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Polaroid photo by Edward McKuen, August
2002 ©2002 by Stanyan Music Group. All rights reserved.
A Thought for Today
Some people mistake patience for
intellect.
PASS IT
MALONG
I know, I know, most of the stuff that lies at the bottom of your mailbox
should be shredded for the letterbox but, hey, that surely doesn’t include
these items. Or does it? You be the judge.
TRUTH SERUM
This one arrived courtesy of Rose.
DON’T TRY TO FOOL MOM
Ben invited his mother over for dinner. During the
meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful Ben's roommate was.
Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Ben and his
roommate and this only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she
started to wonder if there was more between Ben and the roommate than met
the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Ben volunteered, "I know what you
must be thinking, but I assure you, Allison and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Allison came to Ben and said, "Ever since your mother
came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle.
"You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
Ben said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a
gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy
ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were
here for dinner."
Several days later, Ben received a letter from his mother, which read:
"Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Allison, and I'm not
saying that you 'do not' sleep with Allison. But the fact remains that if
she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by
now. Love, Mom"
KEMO SABI
If you’ve dropped in on a Friday or two or three you’ll recognize this
item as being one of saucy Sue’s contributions. Just another of the many
silver bullets out of her gun belt.
TONTO, COME HERE I WANT YOU
The Lone Ranger and Tonto are camping in the desert. They set up their
tent, and are asleep. Some hours later, The Lone Ranger wakes his faithful
friend. "Tonto, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Tonto replies, "Me see many stars."
What does that tell you?" asks The Lone Ranger.
Tonto ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that
there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears
to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the
Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically,
it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What it tell you, Kemo
Sabi?"
The Lone Ranger is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Tonto, did you
notice someone has stolen our tent?"
THE PERSONALS
Oh Dolores if you’re still reading “the personals, ” get a life! On the
other hand . . .
SINGLE BLACK FEMALE
Seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm
a very good-looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the
woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping, and fishing trips,
cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me
eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll
be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature
gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours. Call xxx-xxxx and ask for "Daisy."
Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the local Humane Society about
an 8-week-old black Labrador retriever.
Men are so easy...
THE NEW CHURCH
Ann is such a devout person. Thank God (whether God is Him or Her) for
making Ann one of our best reporters.
WHAT’S YOUR SIGN?
The elderly priest, speaking to the young priest,
said, "your idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater
seats was really great. It worked - the front of the church fills first."
The young priest nodded and the old one continued, "and you told me a
little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so
I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel choir. We are
packed to the balcony."
"Thank you, Father," answered the young priest, "I am pleased you are open
to the new ideas of youth." "Well, this is all very good, but I'm afraid
you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional." "But Father",
protested the young priest, "my confessions have nearly doubled since I
began that!"
"I know son! ", replied the old priest, "but that flashing, neon sign,
'Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell', cannot stay on the church roof."
SMART KATZ
Both Ann & Jane sent me this one. Guess they’ve got my number.
BLUE RIBBON FELINES
Four men were bragging about how smart their cats
were. The first man was an engineer, the second an accountant, the third a
chemist and the fourth was a public servant.
To show off, the engineer called to his cat, "T-Square, do your stuff."
T-Square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and a pen and
promptly drew a circle, a square and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was
pretty smart.
The accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said,
"Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went into the kitchen and
returned with a dozen Tim Tams, he divided them into four equal piles of
three each. Everybody agreed that was good.
The chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said,
"Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took
out a liter of milk, got a 250ml glass from the cupboard and measured out
200mls without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good.
Then the three men turned to the public servant and said, "What can your
cat do?" The public servant called to his cat and said, "Coffee Break, do
your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the Tim Tams, drank the
milk, peed on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three cats, claimed
he injured his back while doing so, filed a provisional improvement notice
for unsafe working conditions, put in a claim for workers compensation,
and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.
A LAD & A LASS, ALAS
No wonder she calls herself Storm. This is Ms. S’s latest contribution.
WHAT’S THAT IN THE ROAD, A HEAD?
A man and a woman were dating. She being of a
religious nature had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted from
her so bad. In fact, he had never even seen her naked.
One day, as they drove down the freeway, she remarked about his slow
driving; "I can't stand it anymore," she told him. "Let's play a game. For
every five miles per hour over the speed limit you drive, I’ll remove one
piece of clothing.
He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car. He reached the 55-MPH
mark, so she took off her blouse, at 60 off came the pants, at 65 it was
her bra. At 70 she slowly removed her panties. Now seeing her naked for
the first time and traveling faster than he ever had before, he became
very excited and lost control of the car. He veered off the road, went
over an embankment and hit a tree. His girlfriend wasn’t hurt but he was
trapped. She tried to pull him free but alas he was stuck.
"Go to the road and get help," he said.
"I don't have anything to cover myself with," she replied.
The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes. "You'll have
to put this between your legs to cover yourself," he told her. So she did
as he said and went up to the road for help. Along came a truck driver.
Seeing a naked, crying woman along the road, he pulled over to hear her
story.
"My boyfriend! My boyfriend!" she sobs, "He's stuck and I can't pull him
out!"
The truck driver looking down at the shoe between her legs replies,
"Ma'am, if he's in that far, I'm afraid he's a goner!"
“Tomorrow being Saturday, I promise to offer something not quite so
silly,” he says, while crossing his fingers. Sleep warm.
RM 10/10/2002 2:07 AM PST
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(posted 09/28/2002).
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