Photograph by Bob Gentry 8/5/99
A Thought for Today
Even the most disheveled waterfall is beautiful.
Considering the plans I've made for the last
three weekends haven't panned out as planned, I'm making none for tomorrow and Sunday.
That ought to teach my head a thing or two. Serves it right.
OH MEN, OH WOMEN
The following chilly contribution regarding us
Mars bars comes from an icy Venus who calls herself Frozen Rose. Her handle says it all.
Brrrrr.
LAWS FOR WOMEN TO LIVE BY:
1. Don't imagine you can
change a man - unless he's in diapers.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.
4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.
5. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.
6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman
miserable.
8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
9. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest they are too old for it.
10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye - opener.
11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical
times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.
14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, It means that you
laugh at his.
ORDER IN THE PULPIT
Molly & Hugs are back in church, though
this sermon may carry them away again.
PRIEST TO BISHOP, CHECK
There was a young priest
who was having trouble both writing and delivering his sermons. So he asked his Bishop for
help. The wise old Bishop said, "Well you might start with something to attract and
hold their attention, such as, 'Last night I was in the warm embrace of a good woman,'
that will get their attention then you go on to talk about how warm and accepting she was
and at the end reveal she was your mother; that is great for sermons about family
love."
The young priest decided to take the advice. The following Sunday he got into the pulpit
and said, "Last night I was in the arms of a hot woman," he paused. The
congregation was totally transfixed; no lack of attention now. But he had forgotten what
come next, so he stumbled on about how great she was and how good she made him feel. Then
he thought of a way to get out of his problem. He said in conclusion, "Well I may not
remember who she was, but she was recommended by the Bishop!"
PUN-ISHMENT
Sharon A. Sewell thinks the pun-isment should
fit the crime. I'd like to know what kind of crime I committed to deserve this?
COME ON BABY LIGHT MY FRIAR
Three friars were behind
on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise the necessary
funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across
town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they
would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him.
He asked his mother to go and ask the friars to get out of business. They ignored her too.
So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to
"persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store,
saying he'd be back if they didn't close their shop.
Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that..... Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist
friars.
SONJA RAIDS THE MEDICINE CABINET
At $10.00 a pop (pardon the expression) Viagra
is what Larry Hart might call "Too Good For The Average Man." At least that
seems to be Sonja's opinion so in order to level the playing field, so to speak, she's
gotten hold of the formula (must have been an inside job.) Herewith the recipe.
MAKE YOUR OWN VIAGRA
2% aspirin
2% ibuprofen
1% Vitamin C
95% Fix-A-Flat
OH NO, MR. BILL
Anita Barnhill doesn't own a vegimatic, she
does everything with a hand groaner.
One day two carrots were walking down
the street. They were the best of friends. Just as they started to step off the curb a car
came speeding around the corner and ran one of them over. The unhurt carrot cradled his
buddy, telling him over and over again that he would be OK.
Finally the ambulance arrived and rushed the injured carrot off to the hospital. His
friend rode with him. Once at the hospital the uninjured carrot paced back and forth in
the emergency room waiting to hear how his pal was going to be.
After many minutes of agonized waiting the doctor came out. He walked over to the
distraught carrot and said "I have good news and I have bad news. The good news is
that your friend is going to be alright. The bad news is that he is going to be a
vegetable all his life".
Y2KO!
SOJRNR337 (Obviously a code name for Jane Doe}
writes "READ THIS.....I usually don't but this one is worth it!" She is so
right, this is easily the most diabolical virus I've ever encountered. Note: As usual if
you're smart enough to be a Mac addict you can disregard this warning.
VIRUS WARNING
If you receive an email
entitled "Badtimes", DELETE it immediately. Do not open it. Apparently this one
is pretty nasty. It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will delete
anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer. It demagnetizes the strips on ALL of
your credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR
and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play.
It will re-calibrate your refrigerator's coolness settings so all your ice cream melts and
your milk curdles. It will program your phone auto dial to call only your mother-in-law's
number. This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.
It will leave used dirty tube socks and your entire porn collection on the coffee table
when you are expecting company. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with
Rogaine, all while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their
hotel rendezvous to your Visa card.
It will give you Dutch Elm Disease.
It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs to passive tense and
incorporating undetectable misspellings, which grossly change the interpretations of key
sentences.
If the "Badtimes" message is opened in a Windows 95 or 98 environment, it will
leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full
bathtub.
It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, but it will
also refill your skim milk with whole milk. It will replace all your luncheon meat with
beef tongue.
It will molecularly rearrange your cologne or perfume, causing it to smell like dill
pickles. It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is also
a rather interesting shade of mauve.
These are just a few signs of infection.
PLEASE, FORWARD THIS MESSAGE . . you know the drill.
CHICKEN SOUP FOR THE NAVEL
Coral usually gives stress, she doesn't get
it. But she has been under some duress of late so we commiserate a lot. This is one of her
recent bon mots.
.
FREE AT LAST!, FREE AT LAST!
A man who had been in a mental
institution for some years finally improved to the point where it was thought he might be
released. The psychiatrist that ran the institution decided it was better to proceed with
caution, and chose to interview him first.
"Tell me," said the doctor, "if we release you, as we are considering, what
do you plan to do with your life?"
The inmate said, "It would be wonderful to get back to real life, and if I do, I will
certainly refrain from making my former mistake. I was a nuclear physicist, you see, and
it was the stress of my work in weapons research that helped to put me here. If I am
released, I shall limit myself to work in pure theory, where I believe the situation will
be less difficult and stressful."
"Wonderful," said the psychiatrist.
"Or else," continued the patient, "I might teach. There is something to be
said for dedicating your life to expanding the knowledge of young people."
"Definitely," said the psychiatrist.
"Then again, I might write. There is always a need for books on science, or I may
even write a novel based on my experiences in the psychiatric institution."
"Another interesting possibility," agreed the doctor.
"And finally, if none of these things appeals to me, I can always continue to be a
tea kettle."
OH MEN, OH WOMEN, 2
Ellen wants us to know the battle of the sexes
rages on. She says "Here are some of the fundamental differences between men and
women."
WHO RAY FOR EVERYBODY!
Nicknames:
If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and
Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose.
If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat
Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.
Eating Out:
When the bill arrives, Mike,
Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in $20, even though the total is only $32.50. None
of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
Money:
A man will pay $2 for a $1
item he wants.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.
Bathrooms:
A man has five items in his
bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday
Inn.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be
able to identify most of these items.
Arguments:
A woman has the last word in
any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
Cats:
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
Future:
A woman worries about the
future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
Success:
A successful man is one who
makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Marriage:
A woman marries a man
expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
Dressing Up:
A woman will dress up to go
shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the
mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
Natural:
A Man wakes up as good-looking
as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
Offspring:
Ah, children. A woman
knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best
friends, favorite foods, secret
fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
Thought For The Day:
Any married man should
forget his mistakes.
There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
NOT ALL BLONDES ARE WOMEN
Michaela Herrick offers the latest in our
ongoing Redhead challenged items.
FOUR BAR STOOLS, NO WAITING
A guy is having a drink
in a bar. He leans over to the very muscular woman next to him and says, "Do you
wanna hear a funny blonde joke?"
She replies, "Well, before you tell that joke, you should know something. I'm blonde,
six feet tall, 210 lbs, and I'm a professional triathlete and bodybuilder. The blonde
woman sitting next to me is an ex-professional wrestler, and next to her is my blonde
friend Susan. She's 6'5", weighs 250 lbs, and she's a professional kickboxer. Now, do
you still want to tell that blonde joke?"
The guy thinks about it a second and says, "Not if I'm going to have to explain it
three times."
Have a beautiful Friday night with someone you like. Sleep warm and I'll see you tomorrow
with a Sentimental Saturday.
RM 2/10/2000 Previously unreleased |
