PASS IT ALONG

Photograph by Bob Gentry 8/5/99

A Thought for Today

God rest ye merry Ms. And Mister, let nothing you dismay.

Nice stuff today and what a variety. Let’s get to it.

THE TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS

SOJRNR337 provided me with this correspondence from a sweet lass to her overly zealous gift-giving lover over the holiday season.

THE “DEAR JOHN” LETTERS

December 14th
Dearest John: I went to the door today and the FEDX man delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised. With dearest love and affection, Agnes

December 15th
Dearest John: Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine, two turtledoves.... I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable. All my love, Agnes

December 16th
Dear John: Oh, aren't you the extravagant one! Now I must protest. I don't deserve such generosity. Three French hens. They are just darling but I must insist.... you're just too kind. Love Agnes

December 17th
John, dear, today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really! They are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough? You're being too romantic. Affectionately, Agnes

December 18th
Dearest John: Imagine my surprise today when a Brinks truck drove up and a uniformed man gave your package containing Five (!) golden rings. One for each finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, John, all those squawking birds were beginning to get on my nerves. All my love, Agnes

December 19th
Dear John: When I opened the door this morning there were actually six geese-a-laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. PLEASE STOP! Cordially, Agnes

December 20th
John: What's with you and those birds? Seven swans - a - swimming. What kind of joke is this? There's bird do-do all over the house and they never stop the racket. I'm a nervous wreck and I can't sleep all night. IT'S NOT FUNNY. So stop with those birds. Sincerely, Agnes

December 21st
OK Buster: I think I prefer the birds. What am I going to do with eight maids-a-milking? It's not enough with all those birds and eight maids-a-milking, but they had to bring their own cows. There is poop all over the lawn and I can't move into my own house. Just lay off me. . Ag

December 22nd
Hey, What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing. And do they play! They never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are upset and are stepping all over those screeching birds. No wonder they screech. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me. You'll get yours. From Ag

December 23rd
You Creep! Now there's ten ladies dancing - I don't know why I call them ladies. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of poop. The commissioner of buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned. I'm sicking the police on you. One who means it, Ag

December 24th
Listen Idiot: What's with the eleven lords a-leaping? All 234 of the birds are dead. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten swine. Your sworn enemy, Miss Agnes McCallister

December 25th
(From the law offices Taeker, Spedar, and Baegar)
Dear Sir: This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve drummers drumming, which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McCallister. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McCallister at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest. Merry Christmas.

A MAN WALKS INTO A BAR

Nicky Williams provided this take no prisoner’s groaner. Stay out of those bars, Nicky.

GROANING IN YOUR BEER

A Scotsman, an Italian, and an Irishman are in a bar. They are
having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place. Then the Scotsman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Glasgow, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"

The others agree that sounds like a good place.

Then the Italian says, "Yeah, that's a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy anudda drink, Vinny buys you anudda drink."

Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.

Then the Irishman says, "You think that's great? Where I come from in Dublin, there’s this place called Murphy's. At Murphy's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"

"Wow!" say the other two in unison. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?"

"No," replies the Irish guy, "but it happened to my sister!"

INSIDE THE BAT CAVE

Ann provided me with this story which I decided to share with you now instead of saving for next Halloween.

DUCK YOU SUCKER!

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to knock it off and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.

"OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.

Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.

"Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good," said the first bat, "Because I DIDN'T!"

IT MAKES YOU SHUDDER

Nicky gets a little more serious as she passes along this very cautionary tale with this thought "Just a reminder to always be careful...."

READ THIS PLEASE

In case your sensitive button hasn't been pushed lately. This happened in Columbus, Ohio: A woman was shopping at the Tuttle Mall in Columbus; She came out to her car and saw she had a flat. She got her jack and spare out of the trunk. A man in a business suit came up and started to help her.

When the tire had been replaced, he asked for a ride to his car on the opposite side of the Mall. Feeling uncomfortable about doing this, she asked why he was on this side of the Mall if his car was on the other.

He claimed he had been talking to friends. Still uncomfortable, she told him that she had just remembered something she had forgotten to pick up something at the mall.

She left him and went back inside the mall.

She reported the incident to the mall security and they went out to her car together. The man was nowhere in sight. Opening her trunk, she discovered a briefcase the man had set inside her trunk while helping her with the tire. Inside of the briefcase was a length of rope and a butcher knife!

When she took the tire to be fixed, the mechanic informed her that there was nothing wrong with her tire, that it was flat because the air had been let out of it!

Please be safe and not sorry. Although this happened in Columbus, it could happen anywhere. Just a warning to always be alert. Pass this along to every woman you have access to and every girl or woman you know, whatever their age. Never let your guard down.

ONE MORE TIME

Huffy is my chief supplier of what I like to call, with some affection, “Bummer Stickers.”

SLOGONS NOT GUNS

Where there’s smoke, there’s a second-hand smoker.

Don’t bite the hand that’s filling your cavity.

Whitehouse effect is more dangerous than greenhouse effect.

It’s never so bad that it can’t get worse.

Road rage is fit to be tied up in traffic.

Animals in zoos are kept behind bars for their own protection.

The average is what we’re always above or below.

Beware of the innate hostility of inanimate objects.

The two riskiest days of the week are today and tomorrow.

If the lion and the lamb lie down together, which one sleeps first?

Any city’s streets are safe; their occupants are something else!

Horse sense keeps horses from betting on people.

A miss is as good as it gets.

Borrowed money is the root of all loan sharks.

No good deed goes far enough.

Nothing’s either good or bad but plain yogurt.

A gross error is 144 times worse than an error.

Unless you’re in the lead, the scenery doesn’t change.

There’s no place like here.

SHORT & SWEET

This comes from Marilyn A Hopewell and gets right to the point.

EVEN IN DEATH

An attorney was on his deathbed in the hospital. When a friend
came to visit, he found the lawyer frantically leafing through
The Bible. “What are you doing?” the visitor asked.

The sick lawyer replied, “Looking for loopholes.”

THE ULTIMATE BLONDE JOKE

Dear Rod, I was thrilled to see you enjoyed the "How to bathe a cat" enough to put it on your website. I think it takes a special person to really appreciate the thought. Here is another I found humorous. Love, Rita

DRIVE MY CAR

A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she cut off a truck driver. He motioned for her to pull over. When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded the blonde "stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE!'"

He then went to her car and cutup her leather seats. When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said "Oh you think that's funny? Watch this!" He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car.

When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face. He is getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires... Now she's laughing.

The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets a can of gas, pours it on her car and sets it on fire. He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down. "What's so funny?" the truck driver asked the blonde.

She replied, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle!

HEAR YE, HERE YE

Sue says,

"Dear Rod, My life isn’t exactly funny at the moment. I won't go into details but the following made me laugh.”

Made me laugh too, Sue. Hang in there and keep smiling.

THE DEFENCE RESTS

From a little book called “Disorder in the Court.” Real people
actually said the following in court, word for word.

What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis- does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you’ve forgotten?

Q: How old is your son- the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?

Q: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
Q: Did he kill you?
Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Mr. Slattery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn’t you?
A: I went to Europe, Sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
somewhere.

Q: You were not shot in the fracas?
A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.

Here are some classic Court transcripts, all recorded by the keepers of the word in various parts of the world...

LAWYER: What did the tissue samples taken from the victim’s vagina show?
WITNESS: There were traces of semen.
LAWYER: Male semen?
WITNESS: That’s the only kind I know of.

LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in New York?
WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question.
LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in Chicago?
WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question.
LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in Miami?
WITNESS: No.

LAWYER: So, after the anaesthetic, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?
WITNESS: I didn’t see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
LAWYER: It was covered?
WITNESS: Yes. Bandaged.
LAWYER: Then, later on, what did you see?
WITNESS: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head.

CLERK: Please repeat after me: “I swear by Almighty God..”
WITNESS: “I swear by Almighty God..”
CLERK: “That the evidence that I give..”
WITNESS: That’s right.
CLERK: Repeat it.
WITNESS: “Repeat it.”
CLERK: No! Repeat what I said.
WITNESS: What you said when?
CLERK: “That the evidence that I give..”
WITNESS: “That the evidence that I give..”
CLERK: “Shall be the truth and..”
WITNESS: It will, and nothing but the truth!
CLERK: Please, just repeat after me: “Shall be the truth and..”
WITNESS: I’m not a scholar, you know.
CLERK: We can appreciate that. Just repeat after me: “Shall be the truth and..”
WITNESS: “Shall be the truth and..”
CLERK: Say “Nothing.”
WITNESS: Okay. (Witness remains silent.)
CLERK: No! Don’t say nothing. Say “Nothing but the truth..”
WITNESS: Yes.
CLERK: Can’t you say, “Nothing but the truth”?
WITNESS: Yes.
CLERK: Well? Do so.
WITNESS: You’re confusing me.
CLERK: Just say: “Nothing but the truth..”, yes?
WITNESS: Okay. I understand.
CLERK: Then say it.
WITNESS: What?
CLERK: “Nothing but the truth..”
WITNESS: But I do! That’s just it.
CLERK: You must say: “Nothing but the truth..”
WITNESS: I WILL say nothing but the truth!
CLERK: Please, just repeat these four words: “Nothing”, “But”, “The”,Truth.”
WITNESS: What? You mean, like, now?
CLERK: Yes! Now. Please. Just say those four words.
WITNESS: “Nothing. But. The. Truth.”
CLERK: Thank you.
WITNESS: I’m just not a scholar.

LAWYER: On the morning of July 25th, did you walk from the farmhouse down the footpath to the cowshed?
WITNESS: I did.
LAWYER: And as a result, you passed within a few yards of the duck pond?
WITNESS: I did.
LAWYER: And did you observe anything?
WITNESS: I did. (Witness remains silent.)
LAWYER: Well, could you tell the Court what you saw?
WITNESS: I saw George.
LAWYER: You saw George *******, the defendant in this case?
WITNESS: Yes.
LAWYER: Can you tell the Court what George ******* was doing?
WITNESS: Yes. (Witness remains silent.)
LAWYER: Well, would you kindly do so?
WITNESS: He had his thing stuck into one of the ducks.
LAWYER: His “thing”?
WITNESS: You know.. His thing. His di--. I mean, his penis.
LAWYER: You passed close by the duck pond, the light was good, you were sober, you have good eyesight, and you saw this clearly?
WITNESS: Yes.
LAWYER: Did you say anything to him?
WITNESS: Of course I did!
LAWYER: What did you say to him?
WITNESS: “Morning, George.”

Many thanks to Sojrnr337, Nicky Williams, Ann, Huffy, Marilyn Hopewell, Rita and Sue for today’s funnies and thoughts. If you’d like to contact me I’m at rod@mckuen.com and you can reach our Webmaster at ken@mckuen.com Tomorrow we turn to “Sentimental Saturday". Hope to see you here, meanwhile it’s Friday night so be careful if you’re out in traffic. Sleep warm

                         -RM 12/9/99 Previously unpublished                               

TRUE HOLLY