PASS IT ALONG
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Photo by Dan Chapman ©2001 Stanyan
Entertainment Group
A Thought for Today
Even if great men don’t shake hands they
never disparage one another.
WHO RAY for Friday. Time to
pass a smile or two around.
ONCE UPON A TIME
Nicky Williams offers a Grim
Fairy tale.
CINDERELLA
Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead
Prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by
from her front porch, with a cat called Alan for companionship. One sunny
afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother. Cinderella said,
"Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?"
The Fairy Godmother replied "Well Cinderella, since you have lived a good,
wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you three
wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"
Cinderella is taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful
consideration and almost under her breath she uttered her first wish. "I
wish I was wealthy beyond comprehension."
Instantly, her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella was
stunned. Alan, her old faithful cat, jumped off her lap and scampered to
the edge of the porch, quivering with fear. Cinderella said, "Oh thank
you, Fairy Godmother."
The Fairy Godmother replied "It is the least I can do. What does your
heart wish for your second wish?"
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said "I wish I was young and
full of the beauty of youth again."
At once, her wish having been desired, became reality, and her beautiful
youthful visage had returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that
had been dormant for years and long forgotten vigor and vitality began to
course through her very soul.
Then the Fairy Godmother again spoke. "You have one more wish. What shall
you have?"
Cinderella looked over to the frightened cat in the corner and said, "I
wish you to transform Alan my old cat into a beautiful and handsome young
man."
Magically, Alan suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his
biological make-up, that when complete he stood before her, a boy, so
beautiful the like of which she nor the world had ever seen, so fair
indeed that birds begun to fall from the sky at his feet. The Fairy
Godmother again spoke. "Congratulations, Cinderella. Enjoy your new life."
And, with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone. For a
few eerie moments, Alan and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.
Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect boy she
had ever seen. Then Alan walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in
her rocking chair, and held her close in his young muscular arms.
He leaned in close to her ear, and into her ear breathed as much as
whispered, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath. "I bet you regret
having my balls chopped off now, don't you?"
OLDIES BUT GOODIES DEPT.
Hugs and Molly have been
reading Joe Miller’s Joke Book again.
READ THE CARD
When you are
hospitalized, it pays to be nice to your nurse, especially when you are
feeling miserable. A bossy businessman learned the way after ordering his
nurses around as if they were his employees ... but the head nurse stood
up to him.
One morning she entered his room and announced, "I have to take your
temperature".
After
complaining for several minutes he finally settled down and crossed his
arms and opened his mouth.
“No, I'm sorry, “ the nurse stated, "but for this reading I can't have an
oral thermometer". This started another round of complaints but eventually
he rolled over and bared his bottom.
After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce " I
have to get something. Now you stay just like that until I get back." She
left the door to his room open on her way out and he cursed under his
breath as he heard people walking past in the hallway laughing.
After almost an hour, the mans Dr. came into the room. “What's going on
here?” the doc asked.
Angrily the man answers, "What's the matter , doc? Haven't you seen
someone having their temperature taken?”
“Yes,” said the doctor. "but never with a carnation"
ONCE UPON A TIME, 2
Jack Goodwin’s turn at Fairy
Tales.
I CAN’T BELIEVE IT’S NOT BUTTER
Once
upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter, the
princess. But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would
melt. No matter what; metal, wood,
stone, anything she touched would melt.
Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her. The
king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter? He consulted his
wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king, "If your daughter touches
one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured."
The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan.
The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter
an object that would not melt would marry her
and inherit the king's wealth. Three young princes took up the challenge.
The first prince brought a sword of the finest steel. But alas,
once the princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly.
The second prince brought diamonds. He thought diamonds are the hardest
substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the princess
touched them, they melted. He too was sent away disappointed.
The third prince approached. He told the princess, "Put your hand in my
pocket and feel what is in there." The princess did as she was told,
though she turned red. She felt something hard. She held it in her hand.
And it did not melt!!!
The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. And the
third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.
Question: What was in the prince's pants?
M&M's of course. They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
What were you thinking you pervert?
FOR SALE CHEAP
Ann Martin has been reading
the classifieds again
STOCK UP & SAVE! LIMIT ONE!.
We build bodies that last a lifetime.
For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.
Man, honest. Will take anything.
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.
Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
3-year-old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and
smacks included.
Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never
go anywhere again.
Illiterate? Write today for free help.
Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross
and salary.
Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.
And now, the Superstore unequaled in size, unmatched in variety,
unrivaled inconvenience.
We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.
ONCE UPON A TIME, 3
Our third Grim Fairy tale
arrived from Pat.
DAYS & NIGHTS AT THE ROUND TABLE
Young
King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring
kingdom. The monarch could have killed him, but was moved by Arthur's
youthful happiness. So he offered him freedom, as long as he could answer
a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the
answer; if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to
death. (See why I call these GRIM Fairy Tales?)
The question was: What do women really want?
Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and, to
young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. Well, since it was better
than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by
year's end.
He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the princess, the
prostitutes, the priests, wise men, and the court jester. In all, he spoke
with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. What most
people did tell him was to consult the old witch, as only she would know
the answer. The price would be high, since the witch was famous throughout
the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged. The last day of the
year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to talk to the witch.
She agreed to answer his question, but he'd have to accept her price
first.
The old witch wanted to marry Gaywain, the most noble of the Knights of
the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend! Young Arthur was horrified;
she was hunchbacked and awfully hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like
sewage water, often made obscene noises...etc. He had never run across
such a repugnant creature. He refused to force his friend to marry her and
have to endure such a burden.
Gaywain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He told him
that nothing was too big a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the
preservation of the Round Table. Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and
the witch answered Arthur's question: What a woman really wants is to be
able to be in charge of her own life. Everyone instantly knew that the
witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.
And so it went. The neighboring monarch spared Arthur's life and granted
him total freedom.
What a wedding Gaywain and the witch had! Arthur was torn between relief
and anguish. Gaywain was proper as always, gentle and courteous. The old
witch put her worst manners on display, and generally made everyone very
uncomfortable.
The wedding night approached; Gaywain, steeling himself for a horrific
night, entered the bedroom. What a sight awaited! The most beautiful woman
he'd ever seen lay before him! Gaywain was astounded and asked what had
happened.
The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her (when she'd been
a witch), half the time she would be her horrible, deformed self, and the
other half, she would be her beautiful maiden self. Which would he want
her to be during the day, and which during the night?
What a cruel question! Gaywain began to think of his predicament. During
the day a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the
privacy of his home, an old spooky witch? Or would he prefer having by day
a hideous witch, but by night a beautiful woman to enjoy many intimate
moments?
What would you do? What Gaywain chose follows below, but don't read until
you've made your own choice.
Noble Gaywain replied that he would let her choose for herself. Upon
hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time,
because he had respected her and had let her be in charge of her own life.
What is the moral of this story? The moral is that it doesn't matter if
your woman is pretty or ugly, underneath it all, she's still a witch---and
don't you forget it.
Moral #2: If you are a handsome young king named Art and your best buddy
is willing to make such sacrifices for you, what the hell are you doing
fooling around with girls in the first place? Especially when your pal’s
name is Gaywain.
AREN’T YOU GLAD YOU DON’T LIVE AT HER HOUSE ...
... (or work in her office.)
Rose writes:
“Had cataracts
removed from both eyes. These golden years can kiss my . . “
Well, you get the picture. It
may help to explain this list.
THINGS TO DO THIS WEEK
In the
memo field of all checks, write "for sexual favors".
Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over
their caffeine addictions, switch to Espresso.
Tell children over dinner "due to the economy, we’ll have to let one of
you go."
To those of you who couldn’t get tickets for tomorrow night, my apologies.
The performance sold out a lot faster than anyone expected. Sleep warm.
RM 10/7/01 Previously
unpublished.
Details of Rod's next
appearance can be obtained by following the link below.
"Tap
Your Troubles Away" - the music of Jerry Herman
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