PASS IT
ALONG |
|
Rod & Sunny: Photo by Bob Gentry
8/5/1999
A Thought for Today
Don't be stricken by acceptance and applause. The same breath that kindles a fire can just as easily extinguish it.
Time to warn you early, a week from today is Friday the 13th.
HERE WE GO AGAIN
Hi Rod, Here's the list, once again proving that Truth is funnier...and more tragic...than fiction and one should NEVER underestimate man's propensity for acting like a complete twit! Love, Coral
THE 2000 DARWIN AWARDS
This Years Darwin's have finally been released! For those not familiar with the Darwin Award, it's an annual honor given to the person who provided the universal human gene pool the biggest service by getting killed in the most extraordinarily stupid way. As always, competition this year has been keen again. Some candidates appear to have
trained their whole lives for this event!
CANDIDATES
1. In September in Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.
2. In October, a 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran," according to his wife,
accidentally jogged off a100-foot-high cliff on his daily run.
3. Buxton, NC: A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he had dug into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beach goers said Daniel Jones 21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach, on the outer banks, used their hands and shovels, trying to claw their way to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge, VA, but
could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him while about 200 people looked on. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.
4. In February, Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, CA, as he fell face-first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth (to keep his hands free) rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.
5. According to police in Dahlonega, GA, ROTC cadet Nick Berrena, 20, was stabbed to death in January by fellow cadet Jeffrey Hoffman, 23, who was trying to prove that a knife could not penetrate the flack vest Berrena was wearing.
6. Sylvester Briddell, Jr. , 26, was killed in February in Selbyville, DE, as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.
7. In February, according to police in Windsor, Ontario, Daniel Kolta, 27, and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning a tie in the game of chicken they were playing with their snowmobiles.
8. Taos, NM - A woman went to a poison control center after eating three birth-control vaginal inserts. Her English was so bad she had to draw a picture describing how she believed she had poisoned herself. A translator arrived shortly
thereafter and confirmed doctors' suspicions. Marie Valishnokov thought the inserts were some kind of candy or gum, being unable to read the foil wrappers. After the third one, she realized something was wrong when her throat and mouth began to fill with a sour-tasting foam. She ran for the Poison Control Center, only a few blocks away where doctors were able to flush the foam from her mouth, throat and stomach with no ill effects.
9. La Grange, GA - Attorney Antonio Mendoza was released from a trauma center after having a cell phone removed from his rectum. "My dog drags the thing all over the house," he said later. "He must have dragged it into the shower. I slipped on the tile, tripped against the dog and sat down
right on the thing." The extraction took more than three hours due to the fact that the cover to Mr. Mendoza's phone had opened during insertion.
"He was a real trooper during the entire episode," said Dr. Dennis Crobe. "Tony just cracked jokes and really seemed to be enjoying himself. Three times during the extraction his phone rang and each time, he made jokes about it that just had us rolling on the floor. By the time we finished, we really did expect to find an answering machine in there."
10. Bremererton, WA - Christopher Coulter and his wife, Emily, were engaging in bondage games when Christopher suggested spreading peanut butter on his genitals and letting Rudy, their Irish Setter, lick them clean. Sadly, Rudy lost control and began tearing at Christopher's penis and
testicles. Rudy refused to obey commands and a panicked Emily threw a half-gallon bottle of perfume at the dog. The bottle broke, covering the dog and Christopher with perfume. Startled, Rudy leaped back, tearing away the penis. While trying to get her unconscious husband in the car to take him to the hospital, Emily fell twice, injuring her wrist and ankle. Christopher's penis was in a Styrofoam ice cooler. "Chris is just plain lucky," said the surgeon who spent eight hours reattaching the penis.
"Believe it or not, the perfume turned out to be very fortuitous. The high alcohol content, which must have been
excruciatingly painful, helped sterilize the wound. Also, aside from it being removed, the damage caused by the dog's teeth to the penis perse is minimal. It's really a very stringy piece of flesh. Mr. Coulter stands an excellent chance of regaining the use of that limb because of this." Washington Animal Control has no plans to seize Rudy.
AND THE WINNER:
Paderborn, Germany - Overzealous zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt fed his constipated elephant Stefan 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally let fly and
suffocated the keeper under 200 pounds of poop!
Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive-oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded on him like a dump truck full of mud. "The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground, where he struck his head on a rock and lay unconscious as the elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top of him.
CIGARS, CIGGARETTES, SOUVINERES?
Wade writes:
"This is one of my favorite new news stories. It was sent to me from a friend in England"
THANK GOD HE WAS COVERED
A Charlotte, NC man, having purchased a box of very rare, very expensive cigars, insured them against fire among other things. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of cigars, and without having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company.
In his claim, the man stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The man sued......and won! In delivering the ruling, the judge agreed the claim was frivolous. He stated nevertheless that the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure against fire, without defining what was considered to be "unacceptable fire," and was obligated to pay the claim.
Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid the man $15,000.00 for the rare cigars he had lost in the "fires."
(HERE COMES THE BEST PART!!)
After the man cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the man was convicted of intentionally
burning his insured property and sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000.00 fine.
This is a true story and it won 1999's Criminal Darwin Award.
THAT GUILTY FEELING
It's not that Edward's sense of humor is sick, warped perhaps . . .but not . . . OK, sick.
HOWARD
Howard had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget the incident, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of shame was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear a little voice in his head trying to reassure him:
"Howard, don't worry about it. You're not the first doctor to sleep with one of your patients and you won't be the last. And,
besides, you're single. Just let it go..."
But invariably another little voice in his head would bring him back to reality:
"Howard, you're a veterinarian..."
SPACED OUT
Few people know it because he seldom puts it on his
resume, but George W. Bush spent a brief stint as an Astronaut.
SHRUB IN SPACE
George W and a monkey were sent up in space in the shuttle to land on Mars, just as they enter the Mars orbit they receive a message from Houston.
"This is mission command you have now entered the moons orbit, In front of you are 2 envelopes which include your mission instructions. Bubbles I want you to open yours now." The monkey opens his and starts typing advanced instructions on the control panel.
"Now Bushy open your envelope for instructions".
George W. does as he is told and opens his envelope. It reads:
DON'T FORGET TO FEED THE MONKEY.
(With apologies to Nicky Williams.)
A NEW TOP NINETEEN LIST
What do you know, here's another item from Nicky.
19 WAYS TO TELL SOMEONE HIS FLY IS UNZIPPED
19) The cucumber has left the salad.
18) I can see the gun of Navarone.
17) Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.
16) You've got Windows on your laptop.
15) Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.
14) Your soldier ain't so unknown now.
13) Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.
12) You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
11) Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...
10) Your pod bay door is open, Hal.
9) Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!
8)Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.
7) Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!
6) The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
5) Dr. Kimble has escaped!
4) Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction...
3) You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
2) I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?
and The Number One Way to Tell Someone His Fly Is Unzipped.
1) Men are From Mars, I Can See Your Penis
BIG BUCKS?
What, another one? I admit this E-mail (sent to me by Stargirl) is a bit naughty, but it's Friday and no one is looking over my shoulder.
THE TATTOO
A guy gets home late one night and his wife says, "Where the hell have you been?"
"I was out getting a tattoo."
"A tattoo? What kind of tattoo did you get?"
"I got a hundred dollar bill tattooed on my penis."
"What the hell were you thinking? Why did you get a hundred dollar bill on your penis?"
"Well, number one, I like to watch my money grow. Number two, once in a while, I like to play with my money. And lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay home and blow a hundred bucks."
SIGN LANGUAGE
This is Kyletta Miller's latest collection of signs.
SIGNS OF THE TIMES
Vets office:
"All unattended children given free kitten"
Lot outside Vet's office in Silverton, OR:
Parking for customers Only, others will be neutered.
In a Veterinarians waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes, Sit! Stay!"
Plumber:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
Pizza shop slogan:
"7 days without pizza makes one Weak."
At a tire shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."
Door of a plastic surgeons office:
"Hello, we can help pick your nose?"
Sign at the psychic's Hotline:
"Don't call us, we'll call you."
At a Towing Company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
Billboard on the side of the road:
"Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs."
On an Electricians truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
On Maternity Room Door:
"Push, Push, Push."
At an Optometrists Office
"If you don't see what your looking for you've come to the right place."
On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
On a fence:
"Salesmen Welcome, Dog food is expensive."
Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary, we'll hear you coming."
Inside a Bowling Alley:
"Please be quiet, we need to hear a pin drop."
In the front yard of a funeral home:
"Drive carefully, we'll wait."
In a counselors office:
"Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional.
Radiator repair shop:
"It's a great place to take a leak!"
CORAL ON JOGGING
"Jogging seems to me the silliest of exercises.....unless you do it lying down! Then it does have possibilities."
BUDDA BAM!, BUDDA BOOM
It is well documented that for every mile that you jog, you add one minute to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.
1. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we don't know where the hell she is.
2. The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
3. I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.
4. I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I am doing.
5. I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up on the body.
6. I like long walks, especially when people who annoy me take them.
7. I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
8. The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
9. If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
10. I don't jog, it makes the ice jump right out of my bourbon glass. Plus I tend to hit myself in the chin with my boobs!
See you tomorrow with some new Saturday Stuff. Sleep warm.
RM 3/10/2000 Previously unpublished
|
