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A Thought for Today
Life is never long enough, but love keeps
even the shortest life alive forever.
Finally, the weekend. Here’s a
smile or two sent in by friends to help your weekend start off on a light
note.
Nothing like a little father and son humor, Alan Kornfield sent this to
has dad Richard who unloaded it on me.
A GUY GOES IN TO A PROCTOLOGIST’S OFFICE . . .
. . .
for his first exam. The doctor told him to have a seat. In the examination
room and that he would be with him in just a few
minutes. When the man sat down and began observing the tools he noticed
there were three items on a stand next to the exam table.
A tube of K-Y jelly;
A rubber glove; and
A beer.
When the doctor finally came in the man said, "Look Doc, I'm a little
confused. This is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for, and I know
what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER is for?"
At that the doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the
door. The doc flung the door open and yelled to his nurse, “Dammit, Helen!
I said a BUTT LIGHT.”
FIRST THE GOOD NEWS
Ellen writes:
“Be
careful what you wish for.”
A CAUTIONARY TALE
A man
walks into a restaurant with an ostrich behind, him, and as he sits the
waitress comes over, and asks for their order.
The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke and turns to the
ostrich. "What's yours?" asks the waitress. "I'll have the same", says the
ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be
$6.40 please", and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact
change for payment.
The next day, the man, and the ostrich come again, and the man says I'll
have a hamburger, fries and a coke" and the Ostrich says, "I'll have the
same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact
change.
This becomes a routine until late one evening the two enter again. "The
usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad,"
says the man. "Same for me", says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will
be 12.62." Once again the man pulls exact change
out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me sir. How
do you manage to always come up with the exact
change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I
found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two
wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I just
put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money will always be
there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a
million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for
as long as you live!"
"That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact
money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man replies, "My second wish was for a chick with long legs.”
WE SAW IT COMING
There’s nothing wrong with
hearing an old chestnut now and then, but I think Hugs & Molly dug up
Henry Youngman for this one.
TAKE MY REPAIRMAN, PLEASE
Mrs.
Davidson's dishwasher quit working, so she called a repairman. He couldn't
accommodate her with an evening
appointment. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told him:
"I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on
the counter, and I'll mail you the check. By the way, don't worry about my
Doberman. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, ...do NOT under any
circumstances talk to my parrot!"
When the repairman arrived at Mrs. Davidson’s apartment the next day, he
discovered the biggest and meanest looking
Doberman he had ever seen.
But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet, watching
the repairman go about his business. However, the whole time he was there,
the parrot drove him nuts with his incessant yelling, cursing, and
name-calling.
Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled:
"Shut up, you stupid ugly bird!"
To which the parrot replied: "Get him, Spike!"
TODAY’S GROANER
Don’t send me your complaints
on this one, mark your letters “Attention John De Kleine.”
A GUY WALKS INTO A BAR . . .
. .
.with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of Buffalo manure in the other.
He says to the bartender, "One beer, please.”
The bartender says, "Sure thing, coming right up.". He gets the Guy a tall
draft beer and the guy drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket,
throws it into the air and blasts it with the shotgun, then he walks out.
Four days later the guy returns. He has a shotgun in one hand
And another bucket of manure in the other. He walks up to the bar and says
to the bartender, "One beer, please."
The bartender says, "Hang on Buddy, we're still cleaning up from the last
time you were in here. What was that all about, anyway?"
The Guy says, "I’m in training for a job as a State employee:
drink beer, shoot shit, and then disappear for four days."
ROCK OF AGES
Kyletta asks the age-old
question “How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?" Here
are some of the answers her friends at Whispering Glades came up with.
SENIOR SAYINGS
Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and
start bragging about it.
Don't let anyone tell you you're getting old. Squash their toes with your
rocker!
The older we get, the fewer things there are worth waiting in line for.
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to
know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads
weren't paved.
Maturity means being emotionally and mentally healthy, it is that time
when you know when to say yes and when to say no, and when to say
"WHOOPEE!"
When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of
Algebra.
You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
The golden years are really metallic years, gold in the tooth, silver in
your hair and most of all lead in the pants..
Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of 80
and gradually approach 18.
One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a
nice change from being young. One must wait until evening to see how
splendid the day has been.
Age seldom arrives smoothly or quickly. It is more often a succession of
jerks.
Yah; being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to smile
at when you are old.
Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled, and bald they
don't recognize you.
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up
your zipper.
AT THE ZOO
Someone who shall remain
nameless passed this along.
GORILLA MY DREAMS
Two gay
men are walking through a zoo. They come across the gorillas, and after a
while they notice that the male gorilla has a massive erection. .
One of the men leans closer for a better look and the gorilla grabs him,
drags him into the cage and mates with him for six hours nonstop. When
he's done, the gorilla throws the man back out of the cage. An ambulance
is called and the man is taken away to the hospital. A few days later his
friend visits him in the hospital and asks, "Are you hurt?"
"AM I HURT?", he shouts, "Wouldn't you be? He hasn't called, he hasn't
written .....
THE FINAL WORD
Jay Leno says:
“After all the
recent turmoil my wife and I wanted to go some place quiet. Somewhere
where there would be no crowds and we could be alone, so we went to the
movies to see “Glitter.” Before it opened they were advertising it as ‘the
blockbuster movie of the fall.’ Well, it’s fall, it should be available at
Blockbuster just about now.”
Ouch.
Sleep warm and join me for a sentimental Saturday tomorrow.
RM 9/28/01
Details of Rod's next
appearance can be obtained by following the link below.
"Tap
Your Troubles Away" - the music of Jerry Herman
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