SATURDAY
STUFF |
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A Thought for Today
Invention is powerful. Reinvention, genius.
Here's the real stuff.
GIVE 'EM ENOUGH ROPE
Hi Rod. Here's a little something you might like for Pass it Along. Love, Janice K
MAN SMART, WOMAN SMARTER
There were 11 people hanging onto a rope that came down from a helicopter. Ten men and one woman. They all decided that one person should get off because if they didn't, the rope would break and everyone would die.
No one could decide who should go so finally the woman gave a really touching speech saying how she would give up her life to save the others because women were used to giving up things for their husbands and children, giving in to men, and not receiving anything in return.
When she finished speaking, all the men started clapping.
Never underestimate the power of a Woman!
PERSPECTIVE
MK Howdy provided me with this.
POINTS TO PONDER
If you woke up this morning with more health than illness...you are more blessed than the million who will not survive this week.
If you have never experienced the danger of battle, the
loneliness of imprisonment, the agony of torture, or the pangs of starvation ... you are ahead of 500 million people in the world.
If you can attend a church meeting without fear of harassment, arrest, torture, or death...you are more blessed than three billion people in the world.
If you have food in the refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof overhead and a place to sleep...you are richer than 75% of this world.
If you have money in the bank, in your wallet, and spare change in a dish someplace...you are among the top 8% of the worlds wealthy.
If your parents are still alive and still married...you are very rare, even in the United States and Canada.
If you hold up your head with a smile on your face and are truly thankful...you are blessed because the majority can, but most do not
If you can hold someone's hand, hug them or even touch them on the shoulder...you are blessed because you can offer healing touch.
If you can read this message, you just received a double blessing in that someone was thinking of you, and furthermore, you are more blessed than over two billion people in the world that cannot read at all.
SATURDAY GROANS
Here's Ellen with a Saturday groan or two.
DID YOU HEAR THE ONE ABOUT?
On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:
"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students and the male dormitory to the female students.
Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first
time."
He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second
time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"
At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season pass?"
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A man observed a sign in the window of a restaurant that read "Unique Breakfast", so he walked in and sat down. The waitress brought him his coffee and asked him what he wanted.
"What's your 'Unique Breakfast'?" he asked inquisitively.
"Baked tongue of chicken," she replied proudly.
"Baked tongue of chicken? Do you have ANY idea how disgusting that is? I would never even consider eating anything that came out of a chicken's mouth!" the man fumed.
Undaunted, the waitress asked, "Well, what would you like then, sir?"
The man replied, "Just bring me some scrambled eggs."
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An elephant is drinking out of a river when he spots a turtle asleep on a log. The elephant ambles over and kicks the
unsuspecting turtle clear across the river.
"Why did you do that?" asks a passing giraffe.
"Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 47 years ago."
"Wow, what a memory!" says the giraffe.
"Yes," says the elephant. "Turtle recall."
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An overweight business associate of mine decided it was time to shed some excess pounds. He took his new diet seriously,
even changing his driving route to avoid his favorite bakery.
One morning, however, he arrived at work carrying a gigantic coffeecake. We all scolded him, but his smile remained cherubic.
"This is a very special coffeecake," he explained. "I accidentally drove by the bakery this morning and there in the window was a host of goodies. I felt this was no accident, so I prayed, 'Lord, if you want me to have one of those delicious coffeecakes, let me have a parking place directly in front of the bakery.' And sure enough," he continued, "the eighth time around the block, there it was!"
HOUSE PROBLEMS
"These are extracts from actual letters sent to various councils and housing associations throughout the U.K.I have to confess that I could not resist adding some comments of my own... you should have heard the comments I DIDN"T add! Coral"
YOU TELL ME YOUR TROUBLES, I'LL TELL YOU MINE
I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage. (Bet he was hopping mad!) and their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence. (gives new meaning to the expression "wood")
I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.
My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand. (Slightly to the left and six inches away)
I am writing on behalf of my sink which is coming away from the wall.
Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My
wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant. (I thought it was being led UP the garden path that caused that!)
We are getting married in September and we would like it in
the garden before we move into the house. (Hmmm, presumably be in the flower bed!)
I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
(works for me..... )
Can you please tell me when the repairs will be done as my wife is about to become and expectant mother....50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest are plain filthy.
I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers. (is this the same woman who removed her last pair I wonder?)
The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared. (I've heard of a baby down the plughole, but kids round the S bend?)
Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces. (Is this the same guy with the walls problem? An accountant no doubt!)
Would you please send a man to repair my spout? I am an old age pensioner and need it badly. (for what, I wonder?)
I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me. (I should think about marrying a farmer!)
The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous. (But does it wake her up at six every morning?)
Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.
I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night. (a gag, perhaps? Or change positions?)
Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job (Amen to that one!) and satisfy my wife. (I said Amen first)
I have had the clerk of the works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction. (I think met him..... maybe even married him!)
... that is his excuse for dogs mess that I find hard to swallow. (even in a casserole?)
This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we can't get BBC2. (Boy... there's a lot of crap on television... but that's ridiculous!)
My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back
passage has fungus growing in it. (um..... Nope... not touching that one!... as the gynecologist said to the actress!)
THE JOKES
Kyletta Miller sent along these giggles.
SMILE
The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged it
had covertly funded a project with the U.S. auto makers for the
past five years, whereby the automakers were installing black
boxes in four wheel drive pick-up trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.
They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2% of fatal crashes were, "Oh, Shit!"
Only the state of Texas was different, where 89.3% of the final words were, "Hey Y'all, hold my beer and watch this!"
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A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow-up I think I'd like to be a musician."
She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both."
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A man was walking his dog by the gas station, and while talking to a friend, his dog started lapping up some gasoline that was on the ground. Suddenly, the dog shot off and the owner ran
after him. A short time later, the man came back with the limp dog in his arms.
His friend asked him, "Is he dead?" The man answered, "No, he just ran out of gas." (No dogs were hurt in making this joke!)
EVERYTHING I KNOW I LEARNED FROM MOM
Jane asked me to pass this along.
MY MOM
My Mom taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE -
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside - I just finished cleaning!"
My Mom taught me RELIGION -
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
My Mom taught me about TIME TRAVEL -
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
My Mom taught me LOGIC -
"Because I said so, that's why."
My Mom taught me FORESIGHT -
"Make sure you wear clean underwear in case you're in an accident."
My Mom taught me IRONY -
"Keep laughing and I'll give you something to cry about."
My Mom taught me about the science of OSMOSIS -
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"
My Mom taught me about CONTORTIONISM -
"Will you look at the dirt on the back of your neck!"
My Mom taught me about STAMINA -
"You'll sit there 'till all that spinach is finished."
My Mom taught me about WEATHER -
"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."
My Mom taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS -
"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you, would you listen then?"
My Mom taught me about HYPOCRISY -
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - Don't Exaggerate!"
My Mom taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE -
"I brought you into this world and I can take you out."
My Mom taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION -
"Stop acting like your father!"
My Mom taught me about ENVY -
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"
Have a lazy Saturday and a happy Saturday night. Sleep warm.
RM 11/4/2000 Previously unpublished
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