PASS IT ALONG |
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Photograph by Bob Gentry 8/5/99
A Thought for Today
Help is always on the way, but most of us keep our eyes
closed.
Every Friday it's the policy of this
administration (been watching too much TV news in my time off) to pass along some of the
interesting, bizarre, funny, etc. "stuff" that comes my way. Here goes.
GENEOLOGY 101
Susan Badger writes:
"Good morning, Rod! I
just received this and thought I would pass it along. I especially like "Flamin'
Gogh." I love these birds! I have over a dozen plastic ones, and when I am feeling
frisky, I plop them in a flowerbed at the front of the house. Most of the neighbors have
crisply manicured lawns, cut on the diagonal, of course, and I'm sure my flamingo herd
goes against the grain (I genuinely like them, though, so it's not all mischief). Ah, such
a rebel! Maybe I amuse too easily! [Cheshire grin!] Love, Susan, with a smile."
Thanks, Susan, This is a four star groaner.
ONE MAN'S FAMILY
After much careful
research, it has been discovered that the artist Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives.
Among them were:
His obnoxious brother.............................Please Gogh
His dizzy aunt...................................Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes...........Gotta Gogh
The constipated uncle............................Cant Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store.......Stopn Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia........................U Gogh
The brother who bleached his clothes white..........Hue Gogh
The cousin from Illinois..........................Chica Gogh
His magician uncle............................Wherediddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin..................................Amee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half brother..........Grin Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt...........................Tan Gogh
A sister who loved disco...................Go Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach.............Wellsfar Gogh
The bird lover uncle..........................Flamin Gogh
His nephew psychoanalyst............................E Gogh
The fruit loving cousin.............................Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking..............Wayto Gogh
The little bouncy nephew......................Poe Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in a van......Winnie Bay Gogh
(Hmm. All this begs the question; After the self-mutilation did members of his family call
Vince "Ear GOGH"?)
A FROG GOES INTO A BANK
Sue writes, "I love this!" Me too,
Sue, In fact it's my favorite groaner so far this year and there's less than a month of it
left.
RIBBIT, GROAN, RIBBIT
A frog goes into a bank
and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is
Patricia Whack. So he says,"Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on
a long vacation."
Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow. The frog says
$30,000. The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his
dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager.
Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that she will need to
secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as
collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant,
about half an inch tall. Bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patti explains
that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office. She finds
the manager and says:
"There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to
borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink
elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"
(Are you ready ?)
The bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give
the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
Ouch. That hurt.
OH MEN! OH WOMEN!
Ann Meade sends along what she calls "a
good smile for my women friends."
WHY DO LITTLE BOYS WHINE? . . . AND OTHER SORROWS
Why do little boys whine?
Because they are practicing to be men.
Why do men like smart women?
Opposites attract.
How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
We cook - they eat; we clean - they dirty ;
we iron - they wrinkle.
How do men exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
ONE - He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
What did God say after creating man?
I can do so much better.
What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women?
Exchange him.
What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.
What's the best way to force a man to do sit-ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.
What's the difference between Big Foot and an intelligent man?
Big Foot's been spotted several times.
Why are dumb blonde jokes one liners?
So men can understand them.
Why did God create man before woman?
Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.
ONLY ADULTS NEED APPLY
Here's a few of Cathie K's meditations on age.
YOU KNOW YOU'RE GETTING OLD WHEN:
1. You're asleep, but
others think you're dead.
2. Your back goes out more than you do.
3. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
4. You buy a compass for the dash of your car/truck.
5. You are proud of your lawn mower.
6. Your best friend is dating someone half their age, and isn't breaking any laws.
7. Your arms are too short to read the newspaper.
8. You sing along with the elevator music.
9. You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
12. People call at 9:00 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
13. You answer a question with, "Because I said so."
14. You send money to PBS.
15. The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
16. You take a metal detector to the beach.
17. You know what the word "equity" means.
18. You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.
19. Your ears are hairier than your head.
20. You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.
21. You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
22. You got cable for The Weather Channel.
23. You can watch football without drinking.
24. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
25. People send you this list. : )
AND SPEAKING OF AGE.......
Tim Schaefer sent this along with no comment.
None needed, Tim, this is a definite goodie.
VERY SOCIAL SECURITY
A retired gentlemen went
into the social security office to apply for Social Security. After waiting in line a long
time he got to the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's
license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at
home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at
home.
"Will I have to go home and come back now?" he asks.
The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So he opens his shirt revealing lots of
curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for
me," and she processes his Social Security application. When he gets home, the man
excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the Social Security office.
She says, "You should have dropped your pants, you may have qualified for disability,
too."
A WINTERS TALE
Here's a naughty one from Bob Gentry of the
musical group
"Moisture." Bob writes:
"I don't normally
pass along jokes, let alone read them, but this was short and cute :). See what you
think."
WHERE ARE THE SNOWS OF YESTERYEAR . . . .
Bill Clinton steps out
onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter. Right in front of him, on the White House
lawn, he sees, "The President Must Go!" written in urine across the snow. Well,
old Bill is pretty ticked off.
He storms into his security staff's HQ, and yells, "Somebody wrote a threat in the
snow on the front lawn! And they wrote it in urine! The person had to be standing right on
the porch when he did it! Where were you guys?!"
The security guys stood silently and stared ashamedly at the floor. Bill hollers,
"Well dammit, don't just sit there! Get out and FIND OUT WHO DID IT! I want an
answer, and I want it TONIGHT!" The entire staff immediately jumps up and races for
the exits.
Later that evening, his chief security officer approached him and says, "Well Mr.
President, we have some bad news, and we have some really bad news. Which do you want
first?"
Clinton says, "Oh hell, give me the bad news first." The officer says,
"Well, we took a sample of the urine and tested it. The results just came back, and
it was Al Gore's urine."
Clinton says, "Oh my God, I feel so....so....so....betrayed! My own Vice President!
Damn....Well, what's the really bad news?"
The officer replies, "Well sir, it was in Hillary's handwriting."
WORST GROANER OF THE YEAR
Sharon Bolling has the distinction of sending
in the "Worst Groaner of the Year," so far. But cheer up, Sharon, there are 27
days left till years end.
HOW ARE THINGS IN TRANYLVANIA
Bob Hill and his new
wife, Betty, are vacationing in Europe; as it happens, in Transylvania. They're driving a
rental car along a rather deserted highway. It's late, and raining very hard. Bob can
barely see 10 feet in front of the car. Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob
attempts to control the car, but to no avail. The car swerves and smashes into a tree.
Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger
seat and sees his new wife unconscious, with her head bleeding. Despite the rain and
unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to carry her to the nearest phone.
Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he
sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from an old, large house. He
approaches the door and knocks. A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob
immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife, Betty. We've
been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your
phone??"
"I'm sorry," replies the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master
is a doctor. Come in and I will get him."
Bob brings his wife in. An elegant man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my
assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor. I am a scientist. However, it is
many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had basic medical training. I will see what I
can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory." With that, Igor picks up Betty and
carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the
lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries; so Igor places Bob on an
adjoining table.
After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor.
Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and
Betty Hill are no more.
The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his
conservatory, which houses his pipe organ. For it is here that he has always found solace.
He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.
Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. As the music fills the lab, his eyes catch
movement. He notices the fingers on Betty Hill's hand twitch. Stunned, he watches as Bob's
arm begins to rise! He is further amazed as Betty sits straight up!
Unable to contain himself, Igor dashes up the stairs to the
conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master:
(Don't page down unless you have a strong stomach...)
You sure you want to know?
O.K. You asked for it......
"Master, Master!...The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"
(The management extends its heartfelt apologies to Julie Andrews.)
GUESS WHO'S COMING TO DINNER
Mindy Bruce writes to advise us "Never,
never lie to Mom."
ON THE GRAVY TRAIN
John invited his mother over
for dinner. During the course of the
meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful John's roommate was.
She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this had
only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two react,
she started to wonder if there was more between the two of them than met the eye.
Reading his mothers thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking,
but I assure you Julie and I are just roommates".
About a week later, Julie came to John saying, "ever since your Mother came to
dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose that
your mother took it do you?". John said, "Well I doubt it, but I'll send her a
letter just to be sure."
So he sat down and
wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying that you 'did' take the gravy ladle from my
house. I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that
it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, John"
Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm
not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with
Julie. But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her own bed, she would have found
the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom."
BUMMER STICKERS
Voted "The Girl We'd Most Like To Have In
The Back Seat Of Our Touring Car On The Way Home From The Prom," Huffy has provided
all of us with a brand new set of Bummer Stickers.
Here's a few . . .
Life is sexually transmitted.
Two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.
It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.
The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
Never knock on Death's door; ring the doorbell and run like hell (he hates that).
Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself).
When you're finally holding all the cards … why does everyone else decide to play
chess?
If you're living on the edge, make sure you're wearing your seat belt.
The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when it's open.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive, anyway.
There are two kinds of pedestrians … the quick and the dead.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
It's not hard to meet expenses … they're everywhere.
Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
AND FINALLY . . .
Here's a new section of my own observations.
Feel free to send in your own contributions. I call it . . .
I'M OK!, YOU'RE OK!, Y2K!
Today's item comes from The Associated Press.
Philadelphia - As many
as 500 people got notices telling them to show up for Jury duty in 1900 - an error caused
by the Y2K bug in city court computers. "Yes, after all the work that was done to
avoid this, it happened," city Jury Commissioner Michael J. McAllister told The
Philadelphia Daily News. McCallister said the problem only involved those who had been
granted postponement of their jury duty; the notices were for a second call.
Now we all know the axiom, "Justice postponed is justice neglected." Does this
mean justice neglected is justice postponed?
See you tomorrow with "Sentimental Saturday" Sleep warm and have an easy
weekend.
- RM 11/29/99 Previously unpublished |
