SATURDAY
STUFF |
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Photo by Bob Gentry ©2001
Stanyan Entertainment
A Thought for Today
The great thing about being young is being young. The bad thing? You don't learn what the hell to do with it until it's too late.
Hope you are sailing through Saturday in an easy way. If not, relax a moment or two and join me in a smile.
GET ME TO THE CHURCH ON TIME
Sonja swears this actually happened, she says she went to the wedding shower.
MORRIS' WEDDING NIGHT
At 85 years, Morris marries a lovely 25-year-old woman. Because her new husband is so old the woman decides that on their wedding night they should have separate bedrooms.
She is concerned that the old fellow could overexert himself. After the wedding festivities she prepares herself for bed and for the knock on the door she is expecting.
Sure enough the knock comes and there is her groom ready for action. They unite in conjugal union and all goes well whereupon he takes his leave of her and she prepares to go to sleep for the night.
After a few minutes there's a knock on the door and there old Morris is again ready for more action. Somewhat surprised she consents to further coupling which is again successful after which the octogenarian bids her a fond good night and leaves.
She is certainly ready for slumber at this point, and is close to
sleep, for the second time when there is another knock at the door and there he is again fresh as a 25-year-old and ready for more.
Once again they do the horizontal boogie. As they're laying in
afterglow the young bride says to him, "I am really impressed that a man your age has enough juice to go at it three times. I've been with guys less than half your age who were only good for one time. You're a great lover Morris."
Morris looks confused, and turns to her and says, "I was here
already?"
KID STUFF
Rose has been listening to baby talk again.
YOU SHOW ME YOURS
Two babies were sat in their cribs, when one baby shouted to the other, "Are you a little girl or a little boy?"
"I don't know," replied the other baby giggling.
"What do you mean, you don't know?" said the first baby.
"I mean I don't know how to tell the difference," was the reply.
"Well, I do," said the first baby chuckling. "I'll climb into your crib and find out."
He carefully maneuvered himself into the other baby's crib, then quickly disappeared beneath the blankets.
After a few seconds he resurfaced with a big grin on his face.
"You're a little girl, and I'm a little boy," he said proudly.
"You're ever so clever," cooed the baby girl, "but how can you tell?"
"It's quite easy really," replied the baby boy, "you've got pink booties and I've got blue ones."
BLAME CORAL
"Hey,
it's clean!" says Coral.
A PRIEST GOES INTO A BARBERSHOP,
gets a haircut, thanks the barber and asks how much he owes him. The barber says, "Father, you're a holy man of the cloth, I couldn't charge you, its on the house." The priest says, "Thank you very much" and leaves.
The next day, magically appearing on the doorstep of the barbershop are 12 gold coins.
A few days later, a Buddhist monk goes in for a shave and shine, and when the time comes to pay the barber says, "No money, please, you're a spiritual leader, a man of the people, it's on the house." The Buddhist monk says, "Thank you very much" and leaves.
The next day, magically appearing on the doorstep are 12 rubies.
The following week a rabbi comes in, gets a haircut, goes to pay, and the barber says, "No, Rabbi, you are a learned man, a wise man, I can't take any money from you, go in peace."
The next day, magically appearing on the doorstep of the barbershop are 12 Rabbis!
BORN BLONDE
"And we are both blondes! But they're talking about OTHER blondes....right?" says Stargirl. Right
THE DREADED BLONDE JOKE
A young blonde female stockbroker was bored with driving her BMW. It lacked individuality and besides that, every other girl in the office had one. She fancied something a bit more individual, perhaps an MG convertible. That week she visited her local car dealer and spied a beautiful Jaguar XK140 convertible. It was wonderfully restored and she fell in love with its gorgeous red paintwork.
An empty check stub later and off she was tearing down the leafy country lanes enjoying her beautiful new car. Her long blonde hair was flowing in the wind, music blaring from the radio, what could possibly go wrong?
With that thought, there was a splutter from the engine and the car slowly coasted to a stop. She got out and lifted the bonnet and concluded after a few minutes that she didn't have a bloody clue what was wrong. Luckily she had her mobile phone with her and a quick phone call to the Auto Club and a short wait saw a bright shiny yellow van pull up behind her.
"That's a lovely car," said the mechanic. "What seems to be the matter?"
Well, it just conked out I'm afraid."
"Let me have a look." He set to work and ten minutes later the engine was purring like a cat again.
"Thank goodness," she said. "What was the matter?"
"Simple really, just crap in the carburetor," he replied.
Looking shocked she asked, "Oh, OK. How many times a week do I have to do that?"
LIFE CAN BE SO ROUGH
Eric sent this to me with only the above comment.
"IT'S VERY EXPENSIVE TO BE ME"
By C. Bryson Hull / HOUSTON (Reuters 1/29/01)
Former Playboy Playmate Anna Nicole Smith acknowledged
on Monday that she had expensive tastes but denied she married her late 90-year-old husband only for his oil fortune.
"It's very expensive to be me. It's terrible the things I have to do to be me," Smith, 33, told jurors in a Houston probate trial to determine who gets what from husband Howard Marshall's estimated $1.6 billion estate.
Throughout the four-month trial, lawyers representing the estate have portrayed Smith as a money-crazed gold digger that only married the elderly oilman for his fortune.
Though adamant she truly loved her husband, Smith freely admitted she blew through the $5,000-$10,000 cash Marshall sent her via Federal Express each week.
"I am serious. I pay a lot of money to be me," Smith said, explaining she spent her money on designer gowns and shoes so she could attend weekly movie premieres.
Smith and her 62-year-old stepson, Pierce Marshall, have been locked in legal battle since the elder Marshall died in August 1995, 14 months after marrying the blonde pinup. She was 26 and he was 89 at the time.
A federal bankruptcy judge in Los Angeles late last year finalized an order giving Smith $475 million of her late husband's estate, prompting the actress and former centerfold to pull out of the Houston trial on Jan 5.
Though Smith dropped her Texas claims, the younger Marshall had already sued her for interfering with his inheritance, which is how she ended up on the stand Monday.
Marshall attorney Rusty Hardin asked her: "When he died, how long had it been since you'd seen him?" Smith made no immediate response and Hardin added: "Isn't it true you
didn't see your husband in the last month of his life?"
"Pierce stopped all of the money and that's why I couldn't be with my husband when he died," Smith retorted, referring to her stepson's freezing of cash payments to her. "I could have saved him again and Pierce couldn't save him."
Earlier, Smith testified she loved her husband because he was the only person who ever accepted her unconditionally. "I loved my husband. He took me out of a terrible place, took care of me. He was my savior," Smith said tearfully, clutching a silver-framed photo of Marshall taken on their wedding day.
"It wasn't a sexual 'baby, oh baby, I love your body'-type love, it was a deep 'thank you' for taking me out of this hole."
Smith testified she rebuffed his marriage proposals for more than two years because she wanted to make a name for herself "so nobody could call me a gold digger, but I guess that backfired didn't it?"
"How much gold did you get over the next few years?" Hardin queried.
"Quite a bit, Rusty," Smith said.
Earlier testimony showed Smith got some $700,000 in cash, as well as cars, a house, clothes and thousands of dollars worth of jewelry.
Hardin also questioned Smith about her early career as a stripper, which led to meeting Marshall and eventually becoming Playboy Playmate of the Year Smith, a native of Mexia, Texas, testified she believed she gave her husband a reason to live after meeting him and dancing for him for the
first time at a Houston topless club in 1992.
"When you danced for him, he began to come alive?" Hardin asked.
"He sure didn't just sit there. He grabbed onto my breast and got us into trouble," Smith said.
A DUCK WALKS INTO A DOCTOR'S OFFICE
Doughels passed me this note during an Algebra test. Algebra Test? Don't ask.
QUACK TO QUACK
Bubba took his old duck to the Doctor, concerned because
the duck wouldn't eat.
The Doctor explained to Bubba that as ducks age their upper
bills grow down over their lower bills and make it difficult for the animal to pick up its food.
"What you need to do is gently file the upper bill down even
with the lower bill. But you must be extra careful because the duck's nostrils are located in the upper bill and if you file down too far, when the duck takes a drink of water it'll drown."
Bubba goes about his business and about a week later the
Doctor runs into his patient. "Well, how is that duck of yours?" the Doctor inquires.
"He's dead." declared the heartbroken Bubba.
"I told you not to file his upper bill down too far! He took a drink
of water and drowned didn't he?" insisted the Doctor.
"No." lamented Bubba. "I think he was dead before I took
him out of the vise."
A SHAGGY SKI STORY
"I'm laughing right now after really enjoying this pass-it-along from my dear friend, Tootsie in Tucson. While I was reading it, I couldn't help but think of Edward since he skis. You might want to pass-it-along to him too, " writes Sharon
HONESTY IS THE BEST POLICY
Sven decided to go skiing with his buddy, Ole. They loaded up Sven's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby
farm house and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there, and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my
house."
"Don't worry," Sven said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn, and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and
settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way and enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
About nine months later, Sven got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow
he met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Ole and asked, "Ole, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north?"
"Yes, I do."
"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"
"Yes," Ole said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
Ole's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry buddy, I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything."
GOOD THING HE DIDN'T ASK FOR 'HEAD & SHOULDERS'
This landed in my E-box as a paper airplane. It was launched by Ellen.
WINK, WINK, TWITCH, TWITCH
The personnel director was interviewing people for the position
of account executive. One candidate offered excellent references and experience, and he was well dressed and well spoken. The only catch was a disconcerting mannerism:
the fellow couldn't seem to stop winking.
So the personnel director decided to be frank. "You've got all
the qualifications for the job and I'd really like to hire you, but I have to be honest. I'm afraid that facial tic of yours might put clients off."
"I'm glad you brought that up, sir," said the candidate "because all I need to make that annoying wink go away is a couple of aspirins. See for yourself. I've got some on me." And he began emptying his pockets on the desk.
The prospective employer was startled to see dozens of
packages of condoms piling up - ribbed ones, lubricated ones,
Magnums, every variety imaginable.
"Aha," cried the young man happily, "here they are." He
brandished two aspirin, swallowed them, and sure enough the wink went away in less than a minute.
"So much for the wink," said the personnel manager sternly,
gesturing at the mountain of rubbers, "but what about all this
stuff here? I don't want the company represented by some wild
womanizer."
"No fear. I'm a happily married man."
"So how can you account for the contents of your pockets?"
"It's quite simple, sir," the fellow assured him earnestly. "Have you ever gone into a drug store, winking like crazy, and asked for a bottle of aspirin?"
THE LAST WORD: THIS ONE'S FOR KEN
An Englishman, a Frenchman and a World Bank economist are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.
"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Englishman. "They must be English!"
"Nonsense," says the Frenchman. "They are both naked and beautiful. They must be French!"
"You are both wrong," says the World Bank economist. "They have no clothes and no shelter. They have only an apple to eat and they're being told they're in Paradise. Clearly, they are South Africans!"
(submitted by Nicky Williams)
See you tomorrow with "Some of the Best." Sleep warm.
RM 2/2/2001 Previously unpublished
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