SENTIMENTAL SATURDAY
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Photograph by Bob Gentry 8/5/99
A Thought for Today
There is no wrong side or right side, no misery in not
being loved only in not loving.
Doug Crowell and Mindy Bruce have such big
hearts that it's a pleasure to start off a Sentimental Saturday with something they are
kind enough to pass along. Enclosed with this touching item was this note.
"The following letter was forwarded by someone who teaches at a
small junior high school in Memphis, Tennessee. The letter was sent to the principal's
office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. This story is a credit
to all humankind. Read it, soak it in, and bask in the warm feeling that it leaves you
with."
Thank You . . .
Dear Reyer School,
God bless you for the
beautiful radio I won at your recent citizen's luncheon. I'm 94 years old and live at the
Memphis County for the Aged. My family has long since passed away and I rarely have
visitors. As a result, I have very limited contact with the outside world. This makes your
gift especially welcome.
My roommate, Maggie Cook, has had her own radio for as long as I've known her. She listens
to it all the time, though usually with an earplug or with the volume so low, I can't hear
it. For some reason, she has never wanted to share it.
Last Sunday morning, while listening to her morning gospel programs, she accidentally
knocked her radio off its shelf. It smashed into many pieces, and caused her to cry. It
was so sad.
Fortunately, I had my new radio. Knowing this, Maggie asked if she could listen to mine. I
told her to go fuck herself. God bless you for your kindness to an old, forgotten lady.
Sincerely,
Edna Johnson
WHO WAS THAT MASKED GROANER?
Huffy in Arizona asks us to return to the days of yesteryear. To which I can only add;
Hi Ho Silver, Away . . .
The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a
beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, "Who owns the big
white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said,
"I do...Why?"
The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you'd like to know
that your horse is about dead outside!"
The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was ready to die from heat
exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse water and soon Silver was starting to feel a
little better. The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run
around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to cool Silver
completely." Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe" and took off running circles
around the horse.
Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his
drink. A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, Who owns that big
white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, "I do, what's
wrong with him this time?" The cowboy looks him in the eye and says,
(READY?)
"Nothing, but you left your Injun runnin'.
THE CHILDRENS HOUR
I love these stories from Raymond Sewell and Anita Barnhill. And you know what, I'll bet
they're all true.
The Kids In The Hall. . .
Ever notice how a 4-year-olds voice is louder than 200 adult voices?
Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just when a storm hit, with crashing
thunder and severe lightning. As I came into my bedroom about 2 a.m., I found my two
children in bed with my wife, Karey, apparently scared by the loud storm. I resigned
myself to sleeping in the guest bedroom that night.
The next day, I talked to the children, and explained that it was o.k. to sleep with Mom
when the storm was bad, but when I was expected home, please don't sleep with Mom that
night. They said OK.
After my next trip several weeks later, Karey and the children picked me up in the
terminal at the appointed time. Since the plane was late, everyone had come into the
terminal to wait for my plane's arrival, along with hundreds of other folks waiting for
their arriving passengers. As I entered the waiting area, my son saw me, and came running
shouting, "Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!"
As I waved back, I said loudly, "What's the good news?" "Nobody slept with
Mommy while you were away this time!" Alex shouted. The airport became very quiet, as
everyone in the waiting area looked at Alex, then turned to me, and then searched the rest
of the area to see if they could figure out exactly who his Mom was.
A certain little girl, when
asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told
her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown." The Vicar spoke to her
in Sunday school, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?" She replied,
"I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."
A little girl asked her
mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?" Her mother replied, "No,
you can't play with the boys, they're too rough." The little girl thought about it
for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"
A boy had reached four without
giving up the habit of sucking his thumb, though his mother had tried everything from
bribery to reasoning to painting it with lemon juice to discourage the habit. Finally she
tried threats, warning her son that, "If you don't stop sucking your thumb, your
stomach is going to blow up like a balloon."
Later that day, walking in the park, mother and son saw a pregnant woman sitting on a
bench. The four-year-old considered her gravely for a minute, then spoke to her saying,
"Uh-oh...I know what you've been doing."
A mother was teaching her
3-year-old the Lord's prayer. For several evenings at bedtime she repeated it after her
mother. One night she said she was ready to solo. The mother listened with pride as she
carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer. "Lead us not into
temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some E-mail, Amen."
A Sunday school teacher asked
her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it
necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because
people are sleeping."
A little boy opened the big
and old family Bible with fascination, he looked at the old pages as he turned them. Then
something fell out of the Bible and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an
old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between pages. "Momma, look what I
found," the boy called out. What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.
With astonishment in the young boy's voice he answered: "It's Adam's suit!"
After listening
restlessly to a long and tedious sermon, a 6-year-old boy asked his father what the
preacher did the rest of the week. "Oh, he's a busy man," the father replied.
"He takes care of church business, visits the sick, ministers to the poor . . . And
then he has to have time to rest up. Talking in public isn't an easy job, you know. The
boy thought about that, then said, "Well, listening ain't easy, either."
HUMOUR IN MEDICINE
Debbie Russell sent me a fist full of true stories that I assume she has collected from
various doctors. And, they are clean.
A Stitch In Time . . .
A man comes into the ER and yells "My wife's going to have her
baby in the cab!" The ER physician grabs his stuff, rushes out to the cab, lifts the
lady's dress, and begins to take off her underwear. Suddenly he notices that there are
several cabs, and he's in the wrong one.
A nurse at the beginning of
the shift places her stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's
posterior chest wall. "Big breaths," instructed the nurse. "Yes, they used
to be," remorsed the patient.
One day I had to be the bearer
of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.
Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he
had died of a "massive internal fart."
I was performing a complete
physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the
chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line
perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I
requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned
and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both
his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.
A nurses' aide was helping a
patient into the bathroom when the patient exclaimed, "You're not coming in here with
me. This is only a one-seater!"
During a patient's two-week
follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed his doctor that he was having
trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?", asked the doctor. "The
patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of
places to put it!" The doctor had him quickly undress and discovered what he hoped he
wouldn't see....Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions
include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
While acquainting myself with
a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look
of complete confusion she answered, "Why not for about twenty years-when my husband
was alive."
A nurse caring for a
woman from Kentucky asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's
very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the
patient replied. The nurse asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet
labeled "KY Jelly".
CANADIAN BANK GROANER
Nicky Williams sent this to me on the back of a deposit slip
A Little Old Lady Walks Into A Bank . . .
A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a
bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a
savings account because, "It's a lot of money!" After much hemming and hawing,
the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always
right!).
The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied,
"$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The president was
of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm
surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?" The old
lady replied, "I make bets."
The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman said,
"Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square."
"Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that
kind of bet!" The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?"
"Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not
square!" The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money
involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am as a witness?"
"Sure!" replied the confident president.
That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of
a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly
checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square
and that he would win the bet.
The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at
the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet:
"$25,000 says the president's balls are square!" The president agreed with the
bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The
president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she
could feel them. "Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of
money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."
Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The
president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?" She
replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at10:00 AM today, I'd have The Bank
of Canada's president's balls in my hand."
Finally to end the Saturday madness, a few Bummer Stickers Kathy spotted around town.
Bummer Stickers . . .
Life is sexually transmitted.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself).
The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when it's open.
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
It's not hard to meet expenses ... they're everywhere.
Don't bite the hand that's filling your cavity.
Horse sense keeps horses from betting on people.
A miss is as good as it gets.
Have a happy evening this first Saturday of October, with someone you especially like. If
you have a comment or something you'd like to pass along, drop me a line at rod@mckuen.com Our Webmaster Ken Blackie can be reached
via ken@mckuen.com
Tomorrow I'll be back with our weekly
"Some of the Best" feature. Till then stay well & sleep warm.
- RM 10/2/99 Previously unpublished |
