HELP! My Guru Died: Yet
Another Cheap Idea To Let Rod Muck About |
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The loveable young Webmaster was
surprised to learn that far into the night Rod was seen drinking martinis with Jay Hagan
and Johan Grobbelaar (so they obviously are not the same person), however it has not been
confirmed whether the sighting took place in Auckland, Louisville or Boise. Yet another
sighting found him in Southern California, holding the hand of a chicken while they
attempted to cross the road.
None of this does any of us here at ASPTL any good, we still have a chicken to feed and
Flight Plans to get out. Who should we run into, while at the races, but that debonair
denizen of deep thinking about depraved behavior, The Great, Great One, Swami Rami Salami.
He did not, could not deny us his divine deity as we brought him yet another truckload of
seemingly impossible questions to answer. We assume you to have a few questionable
questions, if so send them to webmaster@mckuen.com
and we’ll truck them to his oasis in Palm Springs; there, over green tea and mushroom
burgers we’ll worm the answers out of him.
On with the wind.
Q : Swami, I am told you listen to titillation on the Internet, but what’s your
opinion of pornography?
A : I have a pornograph, but it’s quite old and it is hard to find records that play
on it. Is Titillation a new R&B group?
Q What is your recipe for a long healthy life?
A : Avoid Kenneth Starr.
Q : Swam, recently at group therapy, when our counselor was out of the room, we turned the
session into a seance. We all held hands and tried to contact the living. Do you think
there is any danger in this?
A : Let the living rest in peace.
Q : What is the difference between Swami Rami Salami and a lawyer?
A : Swami lives on milk of human kindness. Lawyers, bottom feeder.
Q : Why do people remember where they were when someone. famous was killed?
A : Swami say it is best to have an alibi, just in case.
Q : Swami, in my experience lots of people hear voices....look at Joan of Arc. My shrink
tells me that I do not really hear voices...I only think I do. What do you think?
A : Hello, hello . . . testing, one, two, three. Come here, Watson, I want you.
Q : I have been toying with the idea of becoming a swami - is there anything I should
know?
A : Sorry, Guru union closed to outsiders.
Q : Swami, some philosophical questions I don’t understand. For example, this whole
thing about "if a Tree falls in the forest and no-one hears it, does it really
fall"? I mean, what is THAT all about? If no-one was there cutting it, why would it
fall, Unless of course it had root rot; in which case it’s far better that the tree
be removed surgically rather than waiting for it to simply fall of decay. And then again
there might have been beavers in the area chewed through it....possibly looking for dam
materials, but they wouldn’t have been there if people were, so I guess it
wasn’t the beavers, and no lumberjacks huh? It says no one is there! Is this a trick
question? So why would I be in the forest in the first place to hear it, unless I was
taking a walk! Oh, lightning!? A lightning strike could cause the tree to fall and I guess
even if I didn’t hear it I could come back the next day and SEE it and that would
prove that it actually did fall, 'cos I wouldn’t be in the forest if there was a
storm, unless of course it was sudden and I was taken unawares and I was sheltering UNDER
the tree at the time, in which case I would FEEL it if it fell, so it wouldn’t matter
if I didn’t hear it, ............and I probably wouldn’t be writing this
question!
A : And your question is?
Q : Hey Swami, whatever happened to Rod McKuen?
A : Who?
Q : Swami...I am appalled by the promiscuity of the young. What do you think of young
people who stay out all Saturday night sowing their wild oats?
A : As long as there is enough for porridge in the morning, I see nothing wrong with young
people working in the fields night planting.
Q : What would happen if you crossed a turkey with a computer Geek?
A : You’d get a turnkey. Hey, Swami can’t be winner every time.
Q : I need a new life, what is their number?
A : 911 unless you know what you’re looking for, then it’s 411.
Q : Swami - my husband and I have a problem, we would both like to have plastic surgery
but can only afford one operation. What should it be a breast reduction or penile
enlargement!?
A : Let HIM have the operation. YOU don’t have a problem [Guru can be sexist pig when
necessary.]
Q : Dear Guru, Why did the chicken cross the road?
A : Chicken, Bob, have many reasons to cross roads. While I’m not sure which
particular chicken you had in mind, though I could probably make an educated guess,
perhaps as Dr. Seuss so beautifully put it::
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes the chicken crossed the road,
but why it crossed, I've not been told!
Which leaves us with the following burning question, sent in by another true believer . .
.
Q : Great, Great One, only you can puzzle out the answer to "Why did the chicken
cross the road?"
A : When I want to seek the spiritual meaning of such questions, I often turn to The
Bible. I found this in the 22nd chapter of Jefferson, Verse 798 begins "And God came
down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the
road." And the Chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing and letting of
lambs blood. (Come to think of it that might have been "The Macintosh Bible" I
was reading.)
Q : Swami. This is a tough question. How can I tell whether my wife is really having an
orgasm or is just faking it? Do you know?
A : She never fakes it with me.
Q. : Tucked in a drawer, under my husband Ron’s shorts I found a stack of telephone
numbers on scraps of paper, next to each one was a notation [all men’s names] Joey,
Alphonzo. Ken, Boyd & two Larry’s. What does this mean?
A : It means that in addition to cheating on you, he’s cheating on Dave.
Q : Dear Guru, I have had twelve love affairs in the past year, all of
them with losers, married men or drunks who left me. Do you think there is any hope for me
in the future?
A : The Swami not sure of future, but you’ve had one hell of a past.
Q : I want to wear a black wedding dress. Is this so awful?
A: Not if you combine wedding with wake. Guru can give you two for one price on catering
too.
Q: Dear Swami, Alley, Alley, Oxen Free.
A: Same to you, Buster.
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from HELP! My Guru Died, 1970, new material, 1998 |
