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A Thought for Today
Resolve not to make promises to yourself that you know you can't keep.
Is it my imagination or is the quality of the stuff that lines the bottom of my
e-mail box getting better? Read on and judge for yourself.
MY ELBOW REALLY HURTS
This slightly naughty modern tale arrived from Hugs and Molly.
DRUGSTORE DIAGNOSIS
One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor." His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10.00."
Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.
The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:
1. You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor. It will be better in two weeks.
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and
deposited the $10.00."
The machine again made the usual noises, flashed lights, and printed out the following analysis:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
4. Your wife is pregnant . . . twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. And if you don't stop jerking off, your elbow will never get better.
ISN'T IT OBVIOUS?
Lately Sharon's been spending far too much time in trailer parks.
YOU KNOW YOU'RE WHITE TRASH WHEN
1. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse. (What's it still doing on your porch?)
2. You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. You think a woman "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
5. Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people."
6. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
7. More than one person in your family has died right after saying, "Hold my beer and watch this."
8. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
9. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
10. Your junior prom had a daycare.
11. You think the last words of the Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen, start your engines."
12. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
13 The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it
14. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
15 One of your kids was born on a pool table.
16 You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
17 You can't get married to your sweetheart because it's too confusing to figure out whether or not your sister will still be your cousin after the wedding.
18 You think loading a dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
19Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
20 Your front porch collapses and kills more than five dogs.
SAYING I LOVE YOU
Coral travels a lot and so she learns useful phrases in every language. Wait till she finds out that nodding your head up and down and smiling doesn't translate in most places as 'no.'
WHEN IN ROME
How To Say "I Love You" In Various Different Languages:
English..........................................I Love You
Spanish.........................................Te Amo
French...........................................Je T'aime
German..........................................lch Liebe Dich
Japanese........................................Ai Shite Imasu
Italian.............................................Ti Amo
Chinese..........................................Wo Ai Ni
Swedish.........................................Jag Alskar
Alabama, Arkansas, Oklahoma, South Carolina, Georgia, Tennessee, Mississippi and
Kentucky......................Nice Tits.
THE BELL CURVE
Nicky Williams is, above all other things, a student of life. As always, she has it all figured out.
SUCCESS THROUGH THE AGES
At age 4....success is....not peeing in your pants.
At age 12...success is....having friends.
At age 16...success is....having a drivers license.
At age 20...success is....having sex.
At age 35...success is....having money.
At age 50...success is....having money.
At age 60...success is....having sex.
At age 70...success is....having a drivers license.
At age 75...success is....having friends.
At age 80...success is....not peeing in your pants.
KIDDIE KORNER
Kyletta writes:
"Kids were asked questions about the Old and New Testaments. Children wrote the following statements about the bible. They have not been retouched or any of the misspelling corrected"
TESTIFYING
1. In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
2. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.
3. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
4. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic genitals.
5. Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
6. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.
7. Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.
8. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Later, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten amendments.
9. The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple
10. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
11. Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
12. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
13. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. he fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
14. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
15. When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
16. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.
17. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate
contraption.
18. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.
19. Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, "a man doth not live by sweat alone."
20. It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
21. The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.
22. The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
23. One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
24. St.Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
25. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
REVENGE OF THE 50 FOOT WOMAN
Sue writes:
"Revenge is probably not required as I think we manage to "hold our own" so to speak - but these are pretty good anyway!"
A WOMAN'S TAKE ON ALL THOSE SEXIST JOKES
Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?
A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
Q. How can you tell if a man is happy?
A. Who cares?
Q. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
A. Because those men already have boyfriends.
Q. When would you care for a man's company?
A. When he owns it.
Q. How many men does it take to wallpaper a bathroom?
A. Three, if you slice them very thinly.
Q. Why do men get married?
A. So they don't have to hold their stomachs in any more.
Q. What are a woman's four favorite animals?
A. A mink in the closet, a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the
bedroom, and a Jackass to pay for it all.
Q. How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
A. Put the remote control between his toes.
Q. Why are blonde jokes so short?
A. So men can remember them.
Q. Why do men buy electric lawn mowers?
A. So they can find their way back to the house.
Q: Why are hurricanes usually named after women?
A: Because when they come, they're wet and wild, but when they go, they take your house and car.
SHOO FLY PIE
This potential recipe for trouble comes from my childhood buddy Jane (of Ark) Hernandez.
A FARMER GETS PULLED OVER BY A STATE TROOPER...
... for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.
Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were
buzzing around his head. The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?"
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said--"Well yeah,
if that's what they are--I never heard of circle flies."
So the farmer says--"Well, circle flies are common on farms.
See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always
found circling around the back end of a horse."
The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket.
Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horses ass?"
The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect
for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horses ass."
The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back
to writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."
GOOD VERSUS EVIL
This arrived from Sharon Bolling after making the rounds of her entire family. I'm printing it
because let's face it, how often do we get a genuine Christian Groaner.
COMPUTER CONTEST
Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who
was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering. Finally God said, "Cool it! I am going to set up a test that will run two hours, and I will judge who does the better job."
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote
reports. They sent faxes. They sent emails. They sent out emails with attachments. They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job. But 10 minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder clapped, the rain poured, and, of course, the electricity went off.
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically and screamed, "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went off!"
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of diligent work. Satan observed this and became irate. "Wait! He cheated! How did he do it?"
God shrugged and said, "Jesus saves."
TECHNICAL SUPPORT
"Rod, Welcome Back...I missed you....I wonder if all love ends up this way," writes Stargirl.
ONE, POINT OH!
Dear Tech Support, Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting modules, limiting
access to flower and jewelry applications that had operated
flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Hot-sex 1.0 and Romance 9.9 but installed
undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and House Cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. Desperate Wife.
BEETHOVEN
This is so wonderfully awful....I couldn't resist it....and Clean....
well not rude anyway! Much love, Coral
GROAN ALONG WITH LUDWIG
A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.
He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827. Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him.
By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward.
Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.
By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward.
Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music.
"Oh, it's nothing to worry about" says the caretaker. "He's just
decomposing!"
SITE OF THE WEEK
http://www.bobsfridge.com/storyomatic.html
(submitted by Eric Yeager)
THE LAST WORD
This is America, we vote, we count them. -Albert Gore
See you tomorrow with some Saturday Stuff. Meanwhile, sleep warm.
RM 11/29/2000 Previously unpublished
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