HELP! My Guru Died!: Still
Dead After All These Years? |
|
Rod sightings are becoming
numerous now. He has been reported to be on Australia’s Gold Coast diving for Coral
and only yesterday he is said to have been seen in Edmonton searching for a stray kitten.
Whatever. It’s Obvious he isn’t coming in to work today. We have no choice but
to turn to the gossamer gourmet guru, his High Holiness Swami Rami Salami who will gaze
into the sunset as he reads your questions and averts his eyes while giving you some
answers.
What’s it all about, Alfie? Why none other than solving the mysteries of life, love
and happiness. If your love life is the pits or your life long love has fallen into one,
write to the swami at webmaster@mckuen.com and
he will give you amazing answers faster than you can say Ask Rod. Certainly anything would
be faster than Q. & A.'s in that column lately.
On with the wind.
Q : Swami in my therapy group there is a paranoid schizophrenic, an obsessive compulsive,
an MPD sufferer ( they are a very nice man), two manic-depressives and a nymphomaniac. WE
would like to have a party for our first anniversary together. Could you suggest a theme?
A : Separate tables.
Q : I am afraid that One-seventh of my life is spent on Monday. If I could alleviate that
problem I think I would be OK, any suggestions?
A : Sorry, I don’t do Mondays.
Q : I am loyal, steadfast, and patient, and motivated by a strong
desire for excellence. I am almost perfect, but I can't get girls.
A : Try harder. Girls are not interested in almost perfect.
Q : Swami, you have been so generous with your advice about my husband Ron and his lover
Dave, but this is too much. Ron wants me to have Dave for dinner!
A : While Ron may enjoy eating Dave, will you?
Q : I am trying to get rid of my boyfriend. I have told him it's over three times but he
refuses to believe it. He keeps coming back. Then I started abusing him.. calling him
names like asshole, sonofabitch etc., but nothing works, he still keeps coming back! What
should I call him now?
A : A Masochist.
Q: Is it wrong to kill spiders?
A : Oh, Man, like, I don’t dig spiders
Q : How many Swami Rami Salamis does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A : None. Swami does not do menial tasks, has followers for that.
Q: Do you know everything about life?
A : The short answer is Yes. The long answer is Guru knows all sees all and for the right
price will do windows.
Q : I have a snake, and a girlfriend, they don't get along very well, the snake was here
first, what should I do?
A : Guru hates snakes even more than spiders. Do not write the Swami about creepy crawling
things.
Q : Swami, My therapist tells me I am a mass of neurosis obsessive-compulsive; a
narcissist with self-destructive tendencies and a manic-depressive. I don't know whether
to laugh or cry! What should I do?
A : Haven’t you done enough already?
Q : Dear Great, Great One, I am trying to remember what it was Julius Caesar said when he
landed in Britain. Do know the answer?
A : That’s a some a spicy spaghetti sauce, but the shepherds pie sucks.
Q : Swami...if "to be or not to be is the question...." what the hell is the
answer?
A : It is good to ask such questions, for if the sword can pierce steel, why not the saber
or the saber toothed tiger?
Q : If you could be the first human to make contact with beings from another planet, what
would be the first thing you would say to them?
A : I said "Good Morning" and the blue one said, "Got a match, Big
Boy."
Q: Why do we put suits in a Garment Bag and put garments in a suitcase?
A : When crickets belch their moonlight, dogs will cough.
Q : Why does Peanut Butter stick to the roof of your mouth?
A : I do not eat Peanut Butter. It does not stick to the roof of my mouth.
Q : Are there fish in heaven?
A : Only one but it can feed multitudes.
Q : Swami, what is a pederast?
A : A Rastafarian with a foot fetish
Q : Why do so many people still use MAC's?
A : Because unlike PC’s, they work.
Q : When you lie on a hill, looking up at the night sky filled with stars, do you feel
insignificant?
A : Since he began popping Viagra, The Swami never feels insignificant. Always happy and
up.
Q: Are Ron and Dave real?
A : Real what?
Q : Swami Salami; it seems to me you have dodged this question long enough? Why did the
chicken cross the road?
A : My good friend Plato told me it was "For the greater good.". When I asked my
second cousin, twice removed, by my sixth marriage, Aristotle, he replied "To
actualize its potential". I’ll have none of that. At a recent wise man cocktail
party, Buddha and I both agreed that "If you ask this question, you deny your own
chicken nature"
Q : Dear Guru, Zip-A-De-Doo-Dah!
A : Same to you, Buster. -
from HELP! My Guru Died, 1970, new material, 1998 |
TWENTY SIX / BROWN OCTOBER |
|
Leaves fall down now
brown and beautiful
brittle to the touch
lying on the ground or filling public fountains.
Swirling down the street,
catching in the gutters
and
diverting little streams of water.
Brown October leaves
trampled under foot
banged about by brooms that sweep the gutters
clean.
I remembered today
that among the silly things you saved
was a brown and yellow leaf
pressed between the pages of a book somewhere.
We found it in the park, remember ?
I shook out every book I owned to find it.
Still it’s lost,
or owned these days by Hemingway or Whitman.
Maybe even Gertrude Stein.
Would she know what to do
with a brown and yellow leaf ?
And would she give it back ?
- From "Listen To The Warm", 1967 |
