Rod & Rocky. Photo by Bob Gentry
©2000 by Stanyan Music Group
A Thought for Today
If the stars aren't fixed and the tide changes of what importance is a mindset?
For many of us this will be a long holiday weekend, so I thought it might be worth mentioning a couple of sobering thoughts. The highways and streets will be crowded, when you close the door after entering your automobile, don't forget to buckle up. A highway patrolman was recently quoted as saying, "Of all the car wrecks I've covered in a 20 year career I've never had to unbuckle a dead body at the scene of a crash."
Consider a backyard barbecue over a public event and give the car a rest. If you must go partying, love your friends and yourself enough to pick a designated driver before your departure.
Airports will be overcrowded, lines at amusement parks, restaurants and movie palaces will be longer than usual; keep your cool. There will no doubt be enough arguments and confrontations going on around you to satisfy your own needs for aggression.
Have a happy and safe holiday, I'm selfish and I don't want to lose you.
PROOF READING IN THE MONASTERY
Lady Bren sends along this tale of woe that seems perfect to start off a Sentimental Saturday.
A new monk arrived at the monastery. He was assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He noticed, however, that they were copying copies, and not the original books.
As a result, the new monk went to the head monk to ask him about this. He pointed out that if there were an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all the other copies.
The head monk replies, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." Then the head monk headed for the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the
Hours later, nobody had seen him. One of the monks went downstairs to look for him. He heard sobbing coming from the back of the cellar and found the old monk leaning over one of the original books, crying.
"What's wrong?" asked the younger monk.
"The word is 'celebrate', not 'celibate'" replied the older monk.
TODAY'S FIRST LIST
Kyletta leaves no turn unstoned in her search for lists to offend everyone. Herewith her first Southern Baptist List.
YOU MIGHT BE A SOUTHERN BAPTIST IF...
1. You believe you are supposed to take a covered dish to heaven when you die.
2. You have never sung the third verse of any hymn.
3. You have ever put an IOU in the collection plate.
4. You think God's presence is always strongest in the back three pews.
5. You think John the Baptist founded the Southern Baptist Convention.
6. You clapped in church last Sunday and felt guilty about it all week.
7. You judge the quality of a service by its duration.
8. You also judge the quality of the sermon by how much sweat the preacher worked up.
9. You think the Holy Land is Nashville.
10. You are old enough to get a senior citizen discount at the pharmacy but not old enough to be promoted into the senior adult Sunday School Class.
11. You think someone who says "amen" while the Pastor is preaching might be a charismatic.
12. You complained because your Pastor only works one day a week and then he works too long.
13. You think "Amazing Grace" is the national anthem.
14. The first complete sentence you uttered was "We've never done it this way before."
15. You think the epistles are probably the wives of the apostles.
16 your definition of "fellowship" has something to do with food.
17. You wonder if Lottie Moon and Annie Armstrong will ever be paid off.
18. You honestly believe the Apostle Paul spoke King James English.
19. You think worship service music has to be loud.
20. You think Jesus actually used Welch's grape juice and saltine crackers.
21. You think preachers who wear robes are in cahoots with the communists.
22. You once woke up craving fried chicken and interpreted that as a call to preach.
WHAT WOULD SATURDAY BE WITHOUT ONE?
Today's blonde groaner comes from Wes.
MY SISTER THE BLONDE
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.
The time comes when they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. The brunette takes their last $600.00 to go out west to buy a prize bull. Upon leaving, she tells her sister "When I get there, and if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out there in the pick-up
truck to haul it home."
The owner of the bull tells the brunette he can sell it for $599.00 and no less. So she buys it and goes to the telegraph office to notify her sister to come and pick it up. The cost of the telegraph is $1.00 per word and she only has the one-dollar left.
So the telegraph office asks, "What do you want to say?" After thinking for a bit she says, "Send the word 'Comfortable'."
The telegraph office asks, "How will she know what that means?"
The brunette sister explains, "My sister is a blonde. She'll read it real slow."
Stargirl writes "THIS I do know about!"
There is a new virus going around called WORK. If you receive any sort of WORK, whether via e-mail, Internet, or simply handed to you by a colleague, do not open it. Those who have opened WORK have found that their social life is deleted and their brain ceases to function properly.
If you do encounter WORK via e-mail or are faced with any WORK at all, purge the virus by sending an e-mail to your boss with the words 'This is too much for me, I'm going out for a soda. This better not be here when I get back.'
Your brain should automatically delete the WORK. If you receive WORK in paper document form, simply lift the document and drag the WORK to your trash can.
Send this message to all your friends in your address book. If you do not have anyone in your address book, then the WORK virus has already corrupted your life!
A DAVE BERRY LIST
Nicky Williams passed this one along. You can always count on Dave to come up with those little truths that put things in perspective.
16 THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME 50 YEARS TO LEARN
1. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings".
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
6. You should not confuse your career with your life.
7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
9. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
10. Never lick a steak knife.
11. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
12. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
13. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
14. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
15. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.
16. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
WE HAVE A WINNER
Coral writes, "A little bit of (relatively) clean nonsense to make you smile." Thanks Coral this one is indeed a winner.
JOKE OF THE WEEK
A man meets a woman at a bar, and after some flirting they end up leaving together. They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment, he notices her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears.
Hundreds of small bears on a shelf along the floor, medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher and huge bears on the top shelf nearest the ceiling.
The man is kind of surprised that this sophisticated woman would collect teddy bears, but he decides not to make any remarks.
After a night of passion, as they are lying together in the afterglow, the man rolls over and asks, smiling, "So, how was it?"
The woman says, "You can have any prize on the bottom shelf."
Join me tomorrow for one of your requests on "Some of the Best," meanwhile . . . sleep warm.
RM 6/30/2000 Previously unpublished